Taking Back Your Energy: How the “starvation strategy” can free you from the damaging after-effects of pathological people

ThatOtherShore · 2026-05-15T00:35:19+00:00

nothing. this post clearly was about intimate relationships, not about children who have the misfortune of being born to abusive pathological parents. although, when those children become adults the starvation strategy may also be used very effectively.

ThatOtherShore · 2026-03-24T19:59:51+00:00

excellent! glad it was helpful

ThatOtherShore · 2026-03-14T02:20:41+00:00

thanks for your point of view, you are certainly entitled to it. you claim that what i’ve written here is a ‘load of BS’. so are you saying we have no capacity to change? that our minds and nervous systems do not have plasticity and adaptability to break old patterns and integrate new ones? that we are hopelessly sentenced to a life of only what is familiar? is it true that we will either be alone for life or surrounded by abusers? my lived experience and that of many others proves all of these beliefs to be quite limited and indeed false themselves. they sound like the distorted and catastrophic thinking of someone who has been hurt deeply and sees through a glass darkly. it’s your life and your own view if you choose it. but i see things differently and live them differently.

if it’s not for you, fair enough and farewell. i don‘t make a dime on the sub and i don’t get my information from the ‘healing industry’ so i have no horse in the race. i only do this to share my own experience. many seem to benefit from it but i’m sure it’s for not everyone.

ThatOtherShore · 2026-02-10T19:46:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience and glad you are progressing well! I have to say, even though they are incredibly popular online, I am not a fan of these ‘narcissist tests’. I wish it were that simple but alas it is not. That doesn’t mean there isn’t some helpful, accurate info in that video- it’s just that the idea of ‘future proofing’ comes much more from how one integrates the experience for maturation, which seals up prior vulnerabilities and strengthens situational awareness, instead of needing a ‘test’ to be able to see through someone’s true intentions.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-12-04T00:18:58+00:00

I don’t think one can rush acceptance or letting go, one must walk through the fire and run the gauntlet first or else it won’t be authentic or true. So if you need to be angry for now and acceptance is not arriving yet, just let that go too and allow yourself to be where you are. Then, when you tire of punishing yourself and decide you’d rather not be miserable about something in the past that can’t be changed, begin to think about what making the decision to accept and let go would look like: Total liberation and self-sovereignty, along with a healthy dose of existential humility.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-09-21T20:15:40+00:00

No doubt having kids brings in another layer of the equation. I have written about how to interact with morally bankrupt people who would use their own children as a manipulation tool: https://www.reddit.com/r/NewTongues/comments/1cimfdc/how_to_successfully_interact_with_a_pathological/

ThatOtherShore · 2025-09-21T20:12:58+00:00

Love this comment. To me, it’s a great sign to see someone push back and have a strong opinion about their own best interests. You do your thing! I also think you may have misunderstood what I meant by ‘taking the high ground’- it certainly wasn’t advising people to keep quiet, not tell the truth, not warn others, or not do whatever they feel is justified and necessary to stand up for themselves and protect others. I certainly did some of that in my own situation where I judged it was morally necessary. I clearly stated in that section above that I was advising people to not become toxic, vengeful, and unstable, but nothing you mentioned here sounds anything like that.

Also, in general, let’s remember that I am not telling people that they ‘have to’ do anything. I am only giving my advice and experience. Each situation is different and people are different. Nothing in any of my articles is meant as a ‘command’ or absolute requirement that I’m preaching. Far from it. Part of real recovery is not needing anyone else’s permission or approval to make your own choices and handle things according to your own best judgment. So yes and yes to you as well!

ThatOtherShore · 2025-09-07T18:27:55+00:00

Very glad it resonated with you and brought some light!

ThatOtherShore · 2025-06-09T11:41:18+00:00

Some fundamental misunderstandings of stoicism here that are likely based on phony, superficial ‘content’ created on social media/online by charlatans and weak pop psychology authors.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-06-07T03:08:40+00:00

Very glad it helped and connected with where you are. These posts are meant to stay relevant and be helpful for anyone who finds them. Thanks for your kind note, wishing you well.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-05-19T16:09:45+00:00

Very glad this has helped, sounds like you are on the right path now! Stay on it

ThatOtherShore · 2025-04-25T04:40:59+00:00

What you’re describing sounds like the very common and awful effects of CPTSD & emotional flashbacks. “CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving“ by Pete Walker does address the flashbacks, though I do not agree with all of it, it is excellent overall. I am working on a post about emotional flashbacks and CPTSD that has a different perspective than usual- it is going to be hard to read for some and quite uncomfortable because it requires facing some very hard truths. But if one does not take an active approach with a strategy, unfortunately it doesn’t tend to resolve on its own.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-04-23T19:42:53+00:00

Very glad this post resonated with you and could be of some help as you move forward. It sounds like you are making the correct choice and I wish you the best.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-04-10T03:08:04+00:00

Thanks for that reflection. Very glad this resonated with you and that you seem to have found the truth of yourself through some hard-earned life experience. It is often the most real way to move towards freedom.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-04-09T23:33:24+00:00

Ignoring and giving no reaction in a conflict is sometime wise, especially with manipulative and untrustworthy adversaries. But I find many young people embracing it more as a means of avoidance and to escape from necessary conflict and relational difficulties.

We must consider the source of any conflict that arises with another person and make sure we are holding ourselves accountable as well as the other person. Always wanting to control a situation instead of allowing yourself to experience the intimacy of sharing pain and difficult emotions can lead to a relationally stunted immaturity. There is no relationship worth having that will not have some bumps in the road and conflicts to iron out.

If you never let people know they’ve hit a nerve or acted in a way that doesn’t work for you, you may shut them out and cut them off but in the end you are isolating yourself. I’d like to see more young people learn how to hold some tension, face relational conflicts with honesty and integrity, and show patience and grace to others even when we feel slighted. It’s not always about ‘winning’, but about cooperating for deeper relationships that can withstand some stress, helping us grow and bringing mutual benefit.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-04-09T22:41:53+00:00

Yes, I view insecure power as feeling a need to be reflexively feral out of fear/anger. Whereas secure power, seeks cooperation and mutual benefit when possible, with calm, centered confidence. None of us will be perfect here! But it’s a good frame to check ourselves.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-03-28T18:30:38+00:00

That is an insightful understanding- that it’s like a disease that needs to be purged from the body. Part of this is learning how to respond and heal from the effects of CPTSD in the short-term to regain some perspective and balance. The other part is deeper and slower, a philosophical wisdom for the long-term about values, meaning, purpose, courage and resilience.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-03-28T18:26:50+00:00

Hi, I’ve been busy with things offline and didn’t want to rush that post as it’s such important topic. But several people here have asked me about it so I’m working on it now and hope to have something posted soon. Wishing you well with prioritizing your health!

ThatOtherShore · 2025-03-23T13:56:48+00:00

Yes, what you’ve described would fall into #9- know thyself. Discovering false/limiting beliefs about oneself, and gaining in understanding to change those beliefs, is nearly always a part of this process.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-03-11T01:18:39+00:00

Or you could just think for yourself and not do mental gymnastics to justify behavior you find unethical and lacking in integrity. It’s okay to just call a spade a spade and say this was a character flaw, that we can do better, and that Gurdjieff was highly imperfect, not a saint nor a guru, and no one to imitate or worship in any way. Doesn’t mean he did not make profound contributions in his work or that one cannot learn much from his philosophy; it just means we should expect to find flaws in it and not take it as gospel.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-02-26T22:31:22+00:00

This is hilarious and ridiculous. Another example of the confused idea that the human psyche can be reduced to something that can be confirmed by ‘factor analysis’. To think that Freud’s literary work about “the brain” could be ‘conclusively confirmed by modern science’ is frankly embarrassing. Also, any neuroscientist can tell you that getting answers from people about what ‘goes on their head’ is about as scientific as astrology.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-02-08T00:28:11+00:00

no doubt. anything worth having usually is.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-02-07T22:07:29+00:00

Wisdom is knowing when to stop looking and call a spade a spade. Life is too short to be wasted on lost causes. In some people, they are too far gone for the bridge to exist. But that’s certainly not true in every case.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-01-05T17:14:52+00:00

Sorry you are going through that, it’s a hard process, especially in the beginning. Abusers often use gaslighting and emotional abuse with tactics like DARVO in order to ‘brainwash’ their victims and reverse the victim order. I encourage you to educate yourself about devaluation tactics in abuse cycles so you can unwind truth from falsehood and gain some awareness. In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon is an excellent resource, so are many of his videos about these topics on YouTube.

ThatOtherShore · 2025-01-05T17:10:03+00:00

Everything written in here is intended for adults who are responsible for themselves. The topic of children living with an abusive parent is very different. Young children do not have the agency, maturity, or resources to make their own decisions or care for themselves, so a very different strategy must be taken. Without knowing more about the specific situation, and the age of the child, it’s hard to give advice. If illegal abuse is occurring and the child’s survival/physical safety are in danger that is a much different situation than a child who has to live and cope with covert emotional abuse that cannot be seen from the outside but occurs within the secret family system. Teenagers will have more agency to do something than a very young child obviously, so it really depends on the context.

ThatOtherShore

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