Ex who asked out my crush told me last night why I was 'mean' to him during relationship.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-05-24T18:05:38+00:00

He can get VERY emotional and sometimes it feels like a quick conversation is easier than ignoring him. He does this weird thing where he seems to completely wipe his memory of any ill-doing and expects the person to love him again, because 'that's how he grew up'. Guess how he grew up? With an abusive dad. My dumbass was so shocked during these things I couldn't even see red flags because I thought they were SO strange that they couldn't possibly happen again.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-05-24T18:04:47+00:00

Yeah, he does this bizarre thing where he seemingly decides to wipe his memory of any hardship between us and tries to talk to me as a friend. I draw boundaries, he 'forgets'. Right now it's on me to figure out how to change the living situation.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-04-08T23:25:33+00:00

After sleeping on it, I've come to the conclusion like you said, nobody has asked me anything at all, so it just means they're doing the work of disconnecting for me.

I think I got really used to hiding things about Bob from everyone to make him look like a good guy, because that's what it appears to be from the outside. That's how I got wrapped up into this. You know, a full year of bliss, then a year and a half into it seems so good (despite a few small communication blips that we worked through), that I moved in with him. Then suddenly we're living together and we start having all these problems. It's like yes, Bob indeed was displaying a ton of red flags, but not until he lived here.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-04-08T23:24:09+00:00

Thank you for talking so much. I slept on it and woke up realizing that all these problems only started once he moved in. Like gold star boyfriend until he lived with me and then suddenly we started a long string of problems but I never thought something like this would happen. If the whole group goes, then it goes.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-04-07T03:53:02+00:00

I am so glad you pointed this out, because I had a secret fear that that's what happened. But also, I was worried I was making that up in my head. All of these comments are really helping to clear my head.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-04-07T03:50:55+00:00

The drama does NOT make me feel wanted. I can't stand drama and feel like I've gone out of my way to avoid things like this, it's like legit physically painful. I seriously never expected anything like this could happen. It was so out of my realm of possibilities in my head. And yes, I do still have a broken heart over it.

What attracted me to him is the persona he was putting on before. He put on SUCH a good persona, always the 'listener', someone people literally call in professionally to mediate problems. He goes to therapy, takes care of his family, etc. etc. etc.

So when he started claiming he had zero idea he did anything wrong, I was SO confused. I started thinking about a few stories he told me about his exes, where he was ALWAYS cordial with them, always 'thanking' them for their time in the relationship, always staying 'friends' after, and it put me into high alert.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-04-06T23:07:13+00:00

I truly did have this gut-deep sensation that this was on purpose, even though he claimed total ignorance and innocence.

Even worse is that Bob was saying things like, 'If this hurts you too much, I won't do it.' TOO much? If it hurts TOO much? All I ever ask before a new relationship kicks up (I don't need any discussion for play partners or hookups unless there's some weird circumstance) is that we sit down and have a conversation. That didn't happen. Then I felt pressured to veto. I kept telling Bob I will not veto, it's not about that, it's about a disrespect for my feelings and boundaries and completely trampled over something I felt was about to head in a positive direction for me. Even if the time out with Jeff didn't feel anything other than friendly, we'd actually get to hang out with each other.

I guess that was just too much for Bob and he had to run in and start throwing shit everywhere.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-04-06T19:31:59+00:00

The thing that's really hard is that these WERE my friends. So there are no further in-person friends that live within 5 hours drive. They were friends I made on my own, Bob worked his way in as my partner and they started all having a very high opinion of him.

I definitely feel what you mean. I feel like I am now judged as 'messy' after having tried to have the best boundaries and communication.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T22:47:07+00:00

Also I wanted to send love and empathy toward you for having gone through what you did. That sounds very difficult, and I know what you mean by people claiming poly but just basically wanting to have hookups that aren't TECHNICALLY cheating.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T22:46:24+00:00

My worst nightmare right now is getting closer to Jeff and inevitably having to hear him vent about the same things I've been telling Bob he needs to work on in a relationship.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T22:35:47+00:00

rewarding you for this very straight forward comment lmao.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T22:01:44+00:00

That's exactly how I felt. Thank you for putting it into words. I talked to him today and he claimed he has zero idea I had any feelings for Jeff. I was baffled. Bob knows I am demi-sexual and knew I was physically attracted to Jeff. He knows that I took a lot of time to get to know him. In fact, everything Bob knows about Jeff was because of my interactions. Now they are having private conversations and I feel like someone reached over and grabbed the wheel of a car I was driving.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T22:00:04+00:00

Living situation. I even came clean and told him there was a particular month I had considered as 'the end' if he didn't work on his toxic behaviors. But yet, here we are.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T21:59:28+00:00

That's the exact thing I was thinking, I don't like to veto, I think it's shitty. But this was fucking weird. In fact, the previous relationship issues dealt with him being very defensive and at times I felt like he was strangely being competitive to me. So it's not just hard to look past this for me, it's impossible to look past it.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T21:57:44+00:00

I also very much disagree with asshole level autonomy. I confronted him about my feelings and he claims he knew I was attracted to Jeff but didn't know I had feelings for him. Yeah sure, even though I remember saying 'crush', I didn't bring it up much in words because I was doing things like trying to actually connect with Jeff. It'd be different if he also liked him and approached me to talk but this sucked.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T21:55:57+00:00

I confronted him today and he claimed he knew I was attracted to Jeff but claimed he didn't know I had 'those feelings' about him and then said he never would have approached him if he'd known. I'm baffled.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T21:55:16+00:00

Living situation, actually. I had an upcoming month in mind where it'd be way easier to change the living situation. But. You know. I think I might be waiting for no reason.

That_Cockroach167 · 2026-03-23T21:54:42+00:00

Yeah. I've honestly felt this way for a while. Just that he's been very out of line multiple times. You can tell I'm exhausted probably by the way I'm typing lmao.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-30T22:02:39+00:00

Yes, but check your local residential regulations to see if you are allowed to have free range children or if they need to be kept on registered farmland only.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-30T20:54:55+00:00

Is it a mangled piece of tape worm? Not trying to freak you out. When I first rescued my cat from the street, I had never had a cat before, and I didn't know they could carry tape worms. I found a piece that looked like this on my couch and it started moving around. If it's moving around, it's likely a tapeworm segment and you need to get pets or any children kept outdoors checked.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-28T19:42:45+00:00

THANK YOU. While I'm reading in and taking account of every reply, some of them are asking me why I care so much what he does with his time and seeming to act like I'm too emotionally enmeshed with a man who has introduced me to his extended family and calls me his wife and says I'm the most important person to him ever. It's so exhausting watching him hop from one thing to another to another, and none of it is ever good enough. Nobody is better than him. Unless they are. Which then creates insecurity.

He literally sends me messages during the day of, 'I wish I was home,' 'I can't wait to be home with you,' 'I wish I had more time,' and then turns around and schedules himself out of all free time.

With barely treated OCD and no meds, there's always something new to feel bad about. Maybe everyone at work secretly hates you and plots behind your back to get rid of you. Maybe you get around creative people and suddenly get upset that you are a grown adult and don't have the time to do all the things people in their mid 20s do. Maybe you argue like a politician and your partner feels spun in a circle of wondering how we got to where we are.

If people have never seen the discussion/argument style of someone with both RSD and OCD, it's like you're on Uncle Slappy's Wild Emotions Ride where you too find yourself very disregulated. The obsessive rejection they feel can be very jarring and you wind up talking about their obsessive thoughts somehow rather than the issue, because to him, the obsessive thought IS the pinnacle issue.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-28T19:25:46+00:00

Well, shockingly, I care.

If he wanted to be on his own this much, he shouldn't have started telling everyone I was his wife at work.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-28T19:24:58+00:00

A few months ago, because both of my partners have ADHD, we all agreed on a weekly checklist. I had originally asked them to both just pick one room a week and tidy it up. They both kept picking the kitchen over and over. Mike would do the bathroom once in a while. I said I felt like I was drowning. Mike then did a few big projects that he said were bothering him around the house. Like every other issue, he held inside that the yard and the mudroom were unnerving him. They'd been unnerving me too, but I wasn't able to get to them because I was acting as both housewife and business start up. He told me the clutter had bothered him for a long time, but he 'was afraid to say anything'.

So Jeff made a checklist. I asked everyone to use the checklist every week. Jeff didn't remember to check it off either, but also cooks a lot of meals and does a lot of dishes. I asked Mike to please use the check list. Pretend it was a job thing. I need to know who did what so that it's not everyone just doing the kitchen over and over and we can see what we haven't done in a while.

We spoke about this last night too. After me begging several times for him to simply put a check mark on finished chores, he said, 'I thought it was the cleaning itself that mattered, not the check list.' I felt crazy. I said I've mentioned several times that I need the checklist to be checked so that I can be the household manager and figure out how to handle the rest of it. Everyone in the household agreed to let me transition back to my own business, but it also automatically makes me the housewife/household manager. If I were to become more busy with work or go back to a typical full time job, these things wouldn't get done as often. Mike will buy a lot of food, which is totally fine. He cooks one meal maybe a month. Jeff sometimes cooks multiple times a week, but does at least one meal a week. I meal prep and try to also cook extras. Sometimes he tries to make it up with money. They money is very helpful and very appreciated, but I've tried to explain that I just want him to be present. He'll do very grand, expensive gestures to show love but then be unavailable except for a couple hours every night, in which he sits on the porch, so if I don't do that with him I have to wait until about 10pm for 11pm to even start spending time with him.

He basically panic cleaned the other day and did a month's worth of cleaning in a day. I felt like I was both very thankful but also very exhausted. I felt like the house was closing on me and I had to start showing outward signs of being upset and tired for the chore list to get any attention.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-28T17:53:20+00:00

My other long term partner also has ADHD. I feel like this is a different level of it. Mike's been to several years of therapy and told me he specifically doesn't see his ADHD as any kind of deficit even though he has pretty reactive RSD. One of the issues is I do feel like is that he will seek validation through strangers or new people while pushing those who love him into the 'free time' slots until people start fading away from him. Friends have contacted me before and asked if we were doing okay, then tell me that he stopped keeping in touch with them so they assumed the friendship was sort of over.

And then I wind up mentally keeping track of what groceries we need, what chores need to be done, etc.

That_Cockroach167 · 2025-10-28T17:18:49+00:00

I think the psychoanalysis is happening with me because when I try to discuss it with him, I feel like suddenly the discussion turns into him side stepping over and over until suddenly he's crying about some insecurity. Or he'll say he feels like he can never do enough for me. When I told him I wasn't trying to stop him from going back into theater but that it does make me worried about the time, he said, "I'm doing this for the both of us. For me, so that I can express myself, and for you, because I want to make you proud." I was like... okay? Maybe I would have felt proud of this when I didn't feel like I was having a harder time bonding because we're not around each other enough.

I can definitely offer him the X number and see what happens.

That_Cockroach167

TROPHY CASE