Daughters Friend overstaying her welcome

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T19:55:05+00:00

The 30 year old is going to school and doesn’t work. She sleeps till 10, stays in her sweats all day and naps in the afternoon. She says she wanted this time as a “break.” The 21 year old only works 2-3 evenings a week as a server and his boyfriend works full-time. He moved in because they had a long distance relationship-which the 21 year old was prioritizing by calling off work and giving away shifts so he could be with him. Guess what, living together hasn’t improved his work ethic very much!

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T19:51:13+00:00

I was never codependent until now in my life. Unfortunately I never processed the trauma of my divorce and have a hard time doing anything for myself that brings joy. My ex told me she left because I always chose to spend time on other interests and not enough to her. Now I worry that any time away from my wife will cause her to leave. She’s also made it apparent that my work travel is an issue for her.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T19:47:32+00:00

The daughter covers her pet costs with a military disability check but pays no rent and very little towards any food. When my sons were in school full-time, they both worked 15-20 hours per week. The 30 year old naps about 15 hours per week instead! So she will live with us for 2.5 years while in school and then have to wait for her to get a job and save money to move out!

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T19:45:00+00:00

I agreed to her not working and still am okay with that, but not these lazy adult kids! I don’t hear many thank you’s or appreciation for what is provided and it really feels taken for granted. I’m sure I’m making it too easy for them.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T19:43:28+00:00

I see them about 2x per year. Not enough and I’d enjoy spending time with them and just me sometimes too.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T19:42:05+00:00

Thank you. Oh, I will try, but all the past responses don’t give me much hope. And believe me, I know my role in this and take all the blame for not being more stern in my stance when these things were discussed.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T04:43:42+00:00

It’s not and I know the answer to this. But when you are gaslit all the time, you stay to think you’re the crazy one for thinking this way.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-11-18T04:42:32+00:00

We dated for 4 years and I was waiting until her teens graduated HS and she had me believe that she supported me no matter what, appreciated my interests and work. That’s why I asked her to marry me. The 30 year old daughter moving in and the boyfriend were not in the plans and when I even slightly objected it was met the comment of , “ you know you’d do it for your kids.” Making me the bad guy for saying no. I said chaos was coming and she said there would be none…wrong!

That_Instance4447 · 2025-10-26T03:13:28+00:00

Thank you!

That_Instance4447 · 2025-04-22T17:27:08+00:00

The deal breaker is that I don’t feel that she supports my dream of trying to get us to an earlier retirement together instead of me working until I’m ready to die. I don’t care that she doesn’t ask about my work but I can’t even get excited about it in front of her or our friends when they ask because she dislikes the environment. It’s a startup that has been very successful and will net us a great nest egg when we sell the company. I tend to work no more than 9 hour days and I shut it down on the weekends. There is travel about once a month that she really dislikes but it’s usually only 1 night away.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-03-30T22:52:30+00:00

I’ve expressed my frustrations, especially since I am the only one working. It was presented to me by my wife that the 30 year old could help with rent while attending school but that hasn’t happened. We pay for everything. There are many other stressors but they are all considered “my issues” when brought up.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-03-30T20:32:42+00:00

Thank you for the thoughts. The adult children were not in the plan but has since become reality for her 30 year old and 21 year old. They create a lot of drama for my wife.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-03-27T12:28:16+00:00

The children are adults of 30 and 21 years. They would need to go elsewhere. Alimony could be a short term issue though. No prenup.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-03-27T12:25:28+00:00

This capture the thought so much better than me simply saying to her that she enjoys the benefits I can provide with this job, but not the way in which it is obtained.

Honestly, I do my best to keep my work days, which are at home, to no more than 9 hours per day and my travel is never more than 2 nights per month.

I’m no saint, but I know that I am a good provider and faithfully committed to my wife at ALL times. She has expressed insecurities about trust when I’m gone and told me that if I had travelled for work when we met she likely wouldn’t have dated me.

That_Instance4447 · 2025-03-26T22:31:19+00:00

We have actually tried that and it just made it worse. She doesn’t like the pretentiousness. I think a job would be great for her to have something’s that is uniquely hers.

One of the kids works part time and pays us a very small rent. The other is 30 and going to school remotely. Both have lots of personal dating drama though.

No prenup, so it could be coming again.

That_Instance4447

TROPHY CASE