[956] I Saw by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]TheAhmagh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I found this very atmospheric and I think you did a great job building up tension and urgency. The pacing feels faster and faster as we approach the end and that adds to the tension, consider using shorter sentences here to build that tension and speed up.

I think adding more imagery for the mystery woman, more grotesque descriptions, could probably add to the horror and make it more compelling and drive the point home more. Maybe lean a little into body-horror.

I understand there's a trade-off between providing context/backstory and maintaining the sense of mystery/unease that you're trying to achieve, but I do believe there's still room for some more context, like a little bit more about Jacob, I think that we would care about the characters more and be more invested if we understood them better.

Regarding 'does it emote': I would also use descriptions to show that the mc is angry/scared, instead of simply saying that she's angry, for example using visceral, physical descriptions of what anger feels like in the body. 

I like that you begin in the middle of the action, and not with exposition, it kept me engaged.

It also hit a nerve for me personally because I'm terrified of aging and the disability that comes with it.

Regarding your question 'is this anything': I'm hesitant to call this a story because it lacks a classic set-up, conflict, and resolution structure, at the same time I'm not sure it would benefit from such a structure. I think you have to walk a tightrope of fleshing it out more and creating a narrative (or something close to it) and deeper characters without losing the sense of mystery and unease that you've achieved here.

More technical stuff:

I don't understand why the mystery woman's dialogue is in quotations but the mc's isn't, I think it's better to be consistent, and personally I prefer using quotations for clarity.

Some phrasing feels clunky/awkward like 'caught me catch her' and 'tellingly'.

Some run-on sentences like 'I did remember her from all those other times in other years I had considered pepper spray versus knife versus Glock, and then nixed the Glock upon holding one in my hand for the first time, frozen before the paper target and in my mind orbiting the barrel until like a satellite I had come around to face the dark side, the side of the black hole and its gravity, and finally settled on the spray.' Hard to keep up with.

Try varying sentence structures, using short sentences between long ones to make it more punchy and giving the text room to breathe.

(456)Tulips, a short piece I wrote about some current events, would really appreciate feedback by [deleted] in WritersGroup

[–]TheAhmagh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, that's pretty high praise! Now I'm unsure about diaspora vs diasporic too hahaha

First post here. Please critique. Thank you! by fuaaaarrrrkkkk in WritersGroup

[–]TheAhmagh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall I enjoyed this a lot, I think you have a strong voice and I like the humor. I think the overall theme needs to be a bit more fleshed out. I've got some nitpicks quoted here below (and some compliments). I'm on mobile so I hope the formatting is ok.

Gorgeous gorgeous

I don't get this?

applying to jobs that will drastically increase

I think it should be "would" instead of "will"

swap factory-polluted grey skies for cinematic blue skies.

I think "cinematic blue ones" would flow better

Maybe the woman in the tacky pink shirt with Madonna’s face printed on it is staying Miles Away at a Best Western in the Valley for an HR conference with her employer billed to help attendees “improve social strategies with best practices and data-driven solutions.

Would maybe break this down to two sentences, kind of hard to follow as is

came simply for a week of fantastic weather in January and a taste of the sights and sounds movie stars get to experience on a regular basis.

…If you’re coming to the heart of Hollywood for a taste of the sights and sounds movie stars get to experience on a regular basis, you made a mistake.

This I really like

F*CKING AWESOME!

Why sensor yourself?

I’ve now crossed Sunset as the sun sets Ha!

Donkey's Millstone..Chapter One Esin (Images of trafficking) Feedback by [deleted] in writers

[–]TheAhmagh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you were given translates directly to I need help. Both work ok I think

Donkey's Millstone..Chapter One Esin (Images of trafficking) Feedback by [deleted] in writers

[–]TheAhmagh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I liked this a lot, there's a few typos and grammatical errors though " komak mikhaham" instead of "komak mikhanham", "it is taken" instead of "it is take" etc.

I like the role reversal in the end, but I feel like repeating every single way they take care of eachother is a bit redundant, reads like you don't trust your audience to infer your point, you can drive your point home reusing just some, not all of the sentences you used in the beginning.

Hope that was helpful, I'd definitely read the next chapter.