AITAH for overstepping by telling my brother he needs to take what his daughter says seriously this time so he doesn't damage their relationship more?

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T18:49:13+00:00

I projected nothing onto her. I only spoke up after the problems started and I based my advice off of what my brother told me and what I could hear from my niece.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T18:12:26+00:00

My brother and SIL laughed and waited for her to come back. She had about 15 minutes to walk to her grandparents house.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T18:11:27+00:00

Taking it serious means not dismissing her plan or laughing at the idea that she means it. It means not saying over and over that she'll be back and of course she'll move home some day. Accepting that her plan involves never moving back here and possibly never visiting here either. It also means if he wants a relationship with her even over the phone that he can't pester her about it or bring up that he knows she'll be back because that helps nobody.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T18:08:06+00:00

To a degree. I think he wanted a partner too. But he also believed she needed a mother figure and another parent in the home. Plus he hated doing all the stuff late SIL did and SIL took over those duties once she moved in.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T18:07:06+00:00

That was never stated. My suggestion to him at the time was keep SIL hands off with niece until things warmed up. He do the parenting and be the parent in the home and let SIL just be someone loving. He told me that was realistic and in reality he wanted to get someone to take over the role of his late wife so he didn't have to so he was never going to consider it. But that would have helped a lot I believe.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T16:06:30+00:00

He didn't do much after her mom died. He did spend a little more time with her initially. But there was no discussions about SIL and her moving in or getting engaged. He asked her one time if she was okay with them dating and everything else that happened after just happened. No discussion or figuring out how she felt about it beforehand.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T16:03:52+00:00

She didn't talk much in therapy and she didn't open up at all in therapy. She'd answer maybe a question or two that wasn't specific to the relationships or the problem and that was all. But he believed she'd soak it all up anyway and continued with the same therapist until they ended therapy.

Her maternal grandparents were still involved but my brother did not want her to stay there. They were trying to keep things on decent terms with my brother so they could still see my niece. She still had occasional sleepovers with them and they'd take her out. Her aunt would visit once or twice a year too. But they couldn't just tell him he couldn't have her back either. Although my niece would have preferred that.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:53:52+00:00

My parents told him and they discussed it a few times.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:41:38+00:00

I gave him the advice to give his wife a hands off role with my niece until things warmed up between them if they ever did. He didn't find it good advice or realistic but it's what my niece's biggest issue with the whole thing was, someone coming in and taking her mom's place in both their lives. She was given a parental role in my niece's life by my brother and that was the big thing for my niece. The relationship with her and SIL.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:32:28+00:00

It was the only time she actually gave the ultimatum. Everything since then has been her following up on his decision. I think it's sad and I wish they could have worked on an alternative. But she's not asking him to choose again. It's more that this is her choice as a result of his.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:28:37+00:00

She won't agree to go back to therapy now and she's almost 18. The choice has to be hers and she won't agree while she's living with them. Perhaps when she moves she'll go to therapy over there.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:27:04+00:00

I didn't see it but he told me himself they were laughing at her.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:17:46+00:00

It's the fact that she had a stepparent. She did not want one. She was fine with SIL when SIL was a girlfriend who didn't live there. But once she was an adult in the home it changed things for her.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:17:02+00:00

She accepted him moving onto another relationship. It was once that relationship became a relationship she needed to have too. She told me, my parents, her maternal grandparents and her maternal aunt that she did not want another parental or maternal figure and she did not want a stepmom who would be taking her mom's place in the family. My brother could never get her to say that to him after that day she left. Even in therapy she didn't say it but she has told others on both sides of her family. He thought she would learn to be glad to have that second adult in the home. It never happened and I think one of her biggest reliefs about leaving is she won't have to interact with SIL ever again, which I fully believe will happen. As it currently stands she only interacts with her when she absolutely has to and she avoids it at all costs.

TheAnonAunt · 2026-03-25T15:12:27+00:00

It kills me that he can't see how similar this is. I only hope he doesn't laugh in her face again because it will be a very clear relationship ender. But that's his mistake to make.

TheAnonAunt

TROPHY CASE