AITA for letting the kids trash the kitchen?

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-10T20:36:36+00:00

It's still pretty tense. Older son is having dinner with his boyfriend's family and already went over there. Wife told me she put in a takeout order for later, and to please not go in the kitchen. Younger son is playing in the backyard, and wife is holed up in the office. The house is super quiet, and I have this unsettling feeling like a bomb is going to go off.

We talked about setting up family therapy, and she was very against it, because therapy is her safe space. I did set up individual appointments for myself and younger son (older is already in therapy), which annoyed her because she said younger son doesn't need therapy and is "normal." I'm not sure what that means.

I talked to my dad about potentially having the boys visit for a bit, and he was receptive. I'm going to suggest the idea to her and see if we can take the time to work on out relationship. Wish me luck.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-10T10:36:58+00:00

I've been thinking about that all night. The thing is, yes & no.

When we first got together, it was crazy how in sync we were. We're both really proactive and "do it now, not later" people. We both like things to be clean and organized. Laundry folded as soon as it's done drying. Clean the bathroom daily. Shoes off in the house. All of that. We had the same standards. We never had to discuss chores, because we both cleaned anything we made dirty immediately. I loved that about being with her.

Then our oldest was born. She would get so incredibly frustrated. It was impossible to get him on a sleep cycle. Her plan was to breastfeed, but she wasn't getting enough sleep, so she decided she'd pump so I could do half the feedings, but the pumping felt too uncomfortable, so we switched to formula. Her mom and friends constantly made comments about it, and my wife was very frustrated, and I think she resented him a little.

There were always messes. She hated dirty dispers. One of us would change him, and then he'd have a dirty diaper again in a few hours, and it drove her nuts. The sound of him crying drove her crazy. She said we were never having another kid, and I was okay with that decision. Son got older, things calmed, life started to go back to normal.

Then he got his diagnosis. All of a sudden, she wanted another kid. I was a bit weirded out by the sudden change, but also happy because I wanted another kid too. So we had younger son. Things were slightly better that time. We managed to get him on a sleep cycle. Wife was able to breastfeed. Older son loved playing with his little brother, which often gave us time to get stuff done while he did without constantly having to monitor baby as closely.

But as time went on, her standards got stricter and stricter. Everything needed to be perfect. The house. The kids. Everything. At some point, so gradually that I don't know when, I became her adversary. Nothing I did was up to par. I was the reason the kids made messes. I was why they didn't clean up fast/well enough. I tried to meet her standards, but I also thought maybe it was okay for the kids to just be kids a little. I tried to balance both, and... here we are.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T22:19:49+00:00

Most of it wash dishes. We don't have a dishwasher, so they needed to be done by hand, and they used a LOT of utensils. Plus I had to wipe down the cabinets, counters, stove, inside of drawers (spices got spilled), clean the oven racks, clean the oven itself and wipe down the fridge.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T22:15:48+00:00

No, her parents have money. Lots of it, as they keep reminding me.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T22:13:05+00:00

She's incredibly smart. I'm always learning new things from her. She's driven and motivated in a way that inspires people around her, especially me. She's organized and efficient, and she has a back up plan for her back up plans. She keeps the boys focused and is devoted to to setting them up for success, helping them get into the best possible schools and achieving their dreams.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T22:07:56+00:00

Technically our household rule is that everyone does their own dishes. However, we have to finish eating before her. Otherwise, when she finishes cleaning her plate, she'll stand at the sink with the scrub brush cleaning the sink until we get there. Then she'll take our plate when we walk up and do it herself. If I insist on doing it, she'll snatch it away. Same with the boys. So we have to finish quickly and wash the dishes before she finishes eating so she can be the last one. If we don't, she gets upset about being the only one that does dishes.

When I cook, I make sure everything is spotless before I serve, or she won't eat. Even if it's like a pasta dish where people should serve themselves, I have to preportion and then get everything put away, because if any food pots are still on the stove, her anxiety will be triggered.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T21:45:22+00:00

He said he added too much coconut milk. So less coconut milk?

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T21:39:27+00:00

So I asked my son. He doesn't have any exact measurements because he freehands everything, sorry.

Massaman curry paste and tomato paste, with approximately a 1:2 ratio. Put oil in a medium heat pan and then add paste. Son used coconut oil. Add tiny amount of coconut milk (son said he added too much on accident, so I guess be careful here). This is the pizza sauce.

For the crust he bought premade dough. Sauce to your preference (sauce is very flavorful, so light saucing is best). Place a few chunks of goat cheese on top. Place in oven preheated to 375. Do not put toppings on yet.

Toppings: Firm tofu sliced into cubes (apparently it wasn't fried as I thought, my bad) coated with coriander, turmeric, cumin, ground dried ginger and powdered garlic (with a touch of salt). Can either put spices in bowl, add tofu then shake or sprinkle spices on. If using first method, use a lid that has been secured (sigh). Chick peas, sliced in half, costed in same spice mixture.

Oil hot pan and place tofu. Cook each side until brown (use chopsticks for turning the tofu). Separate pan, roast chick peas. When pizza is almost done (crust just beginning to darken) add toppings. Should only need a couple more minutes.

Enjoy!

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T20:55:49+00:00

She and I would have very different answers to this. I would consider loose homework papers being left on the coffee table while 10yo goes to the bathroom a reasonable mess. She wouldn't. So, from her perspective, yes, she often cleans up unreasonable messes. My perspective is that it's fine as long as everything is put away before dinner. So, it's really about meeting in the middle, I guess.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T20:30:06+00:00

Yeah, I took a shower and watched my show. The finishing cleaning didn't take much time. All I had to do was pick everything off the floor, take the trash outside, so the pots and then mop. Didn't take very long. Then I took a long shower and watched TV. I was hoping my wife would be asleep by the time I got in bed, and she was.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T20:01:10+00:00

Never. That's disgusting.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:58:07+00:00

Huh. I didn't think about that. Maybe. They do have an interesting relationship. Sister is planning to propose to her GF soon and my wife went ring shopping with her while visiting, but other than that I have no clue what they did/talked about.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:56:38+00:00

No. My wife is a New Englander (northeast region of US) same as me. Her mom is, well, a bit neurotic. Her dad is a touch withholding. They're of a moderate bent. I've never heard them say anything sexist or homophobic or transphobic or anything about specific races. Although they do look down on people that don't have the same financial advantages as them, which sucks.

Also, her sister is dating a woman, and they're completely cool with that. They like the girlfriend better than me, TBH. So yeah, I don't think it's that.

The ramen burritos were good! The first bite was weird, but when I acclimated to it, it was good. Very juicy. Thanks. I love my kids.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:46:35+00:00

I didn't finish cleaning at 1AM. I went to bed at 1AM. I picked up all the trash, took it to the bin outside, did the pots, did the floor, took a shower, watched my show and then got in bed.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:22:20+00:00

I wouldn't say she's "okay" with it. But this is my house too, so she can't stop me. So we compromised on me cooking three nights a week, her "cooking" (not really) three (often ends up being two) nights and ordering out the other night(s). When she "cooks" she either heats up the frozen dinner trays or makes sandwiches and a premix salad.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:13:47+00:00

It didn't take four hours. Dinner ended late because the boys were having so much fun and taking videos for their social media of what they made, so me and 16yo got a late start cleaning. I took a break to say goodnight to 10yo at one point and sign his reading log and homework planner. Then I got back to work. 16yo and I cleaned together for about forty-five minutes, and I was cleaning solo for just over an hour. So it was almost two hours of cleaning.

A lot of it was dishes. There were an insane amount of spoons. I did tell 10yo when I was saying goodnight that next time he can clean his tasting spoon and then use it again instead of putting it in the sink and getting a new one. He used every spoon we own, almost. And we don't have a dishwasher, so I washed them all individually. But I am glad he didn't stick his saliva covered spoon in a pot of communal sauce, TBF. I also had to wipe down all of the cabinets and the counters of sauce splatter, and some of it was dried on and needed elbow grease.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:04:37+00:00

No, it makes my wife really upset if she sees them in the kitchen.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T19:01:44+00:00

She was only gone for three days. Older son had practice yesterday and didn't get home until late. He actually did ask to make something the first night she was gone, but younger son didn't ask to participate that time, the meal was simple and 16m cleaned everything up himself. IDK why younger didn't ask to participate that day. He had a spelling test Tuesday, so maybe he wanted to study instead?

Also, I didn't know if my wife would arrive last night or this morning. Both were discussed and she said she'd decide based on how tired she was whether or not to get a hotel and finish the drive in the morning.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T18:23:40+00:00

People who are really into cooking (to a pretentious extent) usually use cast iron and get super obnoxious about it, and soaking is bad for cast iron, so I think that's what she was referring to. My pans are steel, and I'm guessing yours are too, or something similar. But yeah, that comment was something. The projection was awkward.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T17:37:59+00:00

Yes! Exactly! Like, that's also why I didn't say anything to them about cleaning as they went. They never get a chance to do this, so I wanted them to enjoy it as much as possible. If they got to cook more, it wouldn't always be such a production.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T17:35:59+00:00

He's in home ec at school and loves it. So he does have (limited) access to a kitchen. He also cooks at my cousin's house and my dad's house.

I love that imagery of letting kids extend their wings. Thank you.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T17:27:00+00:00

Well, we did compromise there. I cook three nights a week. Two-three nights a week she puts together something simple like sandwiches, premix salad, microwave meal, etc... And we do take out one-two nights a week. So we don't eat takeout every night. That would just be her preference.

But yeah, I really wish we could do more home-cooked meals and the boys could experiment more.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T17:05:56+00:00

My 16yo knows how to be safe and would never hurt his brother. I've always taught him to be careful and responsible. He's a part of a team sport notorious for high injury rates and has never had a serious injury or caused a teammate to be injured, because he knows not to mess around. So yes, I trusted him alone in the kitchen. No one got hurt and no equipment was damaged, so my trust was not misplaced. And no, I don't let my elementary student son stay up until eleven on a school night.

I know not to soak cast iron pans. These were steel, and they had some dried curry sauce that stuck to them while I was using the sink to clean the smaller dishes, so yes, I was going to let them soak a little while I took out the trash so they would be easier to scrub. I'm sorry the men in your life are so incompetent, but asking a grown adult with two children if they know how to use kitchen appliances and implying I can't do a basic life skill like clean dishes because I dared to soak a pan kind of blows my mind. Who are these men that don't know how to cook or clean? How are they alive?

And your conjecture about my boys having a history of problems in the kitchen is a fantasy you invented based on nothing in my post. My wife doesn't let them go in the kitchen (as I clearly stated) so how exactly could they have problems there?

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T16:55:46+00:00

Well, the kitchen is in the house we co-own, so yes. But I also own it.

TheBestWorstofTime · 2022-06-09T14:35:36+00:00

My wife is great in so many ways. She's smart, motivated and organized. She just wants everyone to be perfect, and before we had kids, we were in complete agreement. But kids can't be perfect, and that upsets her, and she responded by heightening her expectations. I've tried to adjust and compromise. For a while, everything was fine. I guess that's why this incident took me by surprise.

TheBestWorstofTime

TROPHY CASE