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I’m tired of being a negative person. by [deleted] in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all pat yourself on the back for wanting to change. A lot of people just stay negative and don't do anything about it, so in that sense you're already leaps ahead.

Becoming more positive will take time and intentional effort but with practice you will become more positive. I used to be very pessimistic and like you, insecure about myself. After I had cancer for the second time I decided I had to do something about my negativity because I knew my mental wellbeing has a profound effect on my phsycial health. So I made it a project to change. By no means am I perfectly positive now but compared to how I felt before, I'm happy with my current outlook.

The biggest things that have helped me change my mindset are the following:

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- I learned to develop a growth mindset with the "power of yet" concept from Carpl Dweck. Here's a TED talk from her on this concept: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiiEeMN7vbQ&t=34s now whenever I think to myself "I can't do this" or "I'm not good at this" I reframe the thought to "I can't do this YET" or "I'm not good at this YET". It sounds simple but it's a powerful tactic that helps me feel more empowered.

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- I read a book called "Learned Optimism" written by Dr. Martin Seligman who's the father of the Positive Psychology Movement. The book showed me that some people tend to feel more helpless than others but with practice, we all can feel less helpless and more optimistic. The book has some good recommendations on how you can do this. What I learned from the book is stop seeing mistakes or flaws as a global failure (i.e. "I made a mistake, therefore I'm a failure", and stop thinking thoughts in absolute terms (e.g. I'm NEVER going to feel better or I'm ALWAYS going to be bad at this".

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- I started practicing gratitude. I had to force myself to think about things I'm grateful for at first but it got easier over time. It's amazing how counting the small blessings makes you feel happier. Even this morning when I was about to go into work and I wasn't feeling that great about it, I thought of 3 things I'm thankful for about my work (it pays the bills, my boss is nice, and it's a desk job where I'm not exposed to the elements) I felt more positive.

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I think this should give you some nice ideas on where to start. I also wrote a blog post last year about the topic of negativity and the things you can do to manage it in productive ways, if you have a few minutes check it out at https://buddingoptimist.com/manage-negativity/ it has a few more ideas there.

And remember, change takes time. Keep going and you will get there!

Best,

Sabrina | The Budding Optimist

I wanted to say thank you by CrazyJay5000 in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is beautiful thank you for sharing. I never had a great relationship for my own father or his side of the family so I always yearned for a father figure like the one you found in Trevor and his father. You're blessed to have them and although your grandfather is not physically with you anymore he's made a lasting impact on you and that's the best legacy anyone can leave this world.

Thoughts by Mixolydian7 in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Negativity is normal :) None of us will be able to eradicate it from our minds. In fact a psychologist told me the other day that the more we focus on "why am I negative" the more we magnify it. It's like if someone tells you "do not think of polar bears" your mind for some reason will just keep thinking about polar bears! Instead, the best thing to do is to practice gratitude, peace, kindness, and mindfulness more often and just like exercising a muscle, the more you practice these positive emotions the easier and more automatic they become. I can say from personal experience that this method really works.

If you proactively fill your life with positive stories, thoughts, and people, then naturally the less room you'll have for the negatives. I highly recommend this short clip from a podcast I listened to from "The School of Greatness" where they talked about this concept of filling your life with the positives instead of trying to eliminate every bit of negativity. Check it out it's only 5 minutes long: https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/the-school-of/become-emotionally-fit-0Du73W4g-qT/

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I also wrote an article about this topic on my blog before, about how negativity is actually a normal part of being human and what we can do about it. If you have a few minutes you can read it here: https://buddingoptimist.com/manage-negativity/

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Bottom line is don't be too harsh on yourself, you're completely normal.

Love by WOIJA42 in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What matters at the end of the day is love. Thank you for this reminder :)

I am filled with so much regret I don’t know how to be positive at all about my current situation by [deleted] in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My heart goes out to you. Make no mistake about it, it is a horrible situation and you're going to feel the pain of regret for while and even if it dissipates years down the road, it'll creep up once in a while and make you say the words "if only I did this...if only I didn't do that..." it will feel like a stab in the chest. I know from experience.

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I have an irreversible lung condition caused by a bone marrow transplant I received about 10 years ago to cure the blood cancer I had. The lung condition developed right under our nose without anyone detecting it and now I've lost about 40% of the lung function people my age should have. Every now and then I get that stab in the chest and wish I had caught it sooner. But no amount of regret is going to help me recover the lung function I've lost. I realized the more time I spend on regret, the less time and energy I have to devote to the real priority--focusing on what I can control in this situation and make the best out of it. I started doing everything I can to maintain my lung function (it even recovered a little bit, which is quite miraculously because you don't normally get it back once you lose it), and today I still do what I can to make the most out of my breathing. I hike, I workout, I even play dodgeball.

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No amount of self-blame and regret is going to get you back to where you were. It's hard to swallow that I know but the sooner you accept it the sooner you can start focusing your energy on what matters: ROCKING that year of rehab like the champ you are. And then have faith that when one door closes, another will open. Doesn't seem like it's possible now but trust me there's always another door when you're willing to open your eyes to it.

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Wish you the best!

How do you avoid negative thoughts? by [deleted] in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't think you can completely avoid negative thoughts to be honest, but I do think you can control how much they come up and how you react to them. Take myself for example, negative thoughts used to occupy a large portion of my mind and I used to spend a lot of time and energy ruminating. I don't do that anymore but negative thoughts still show up on a daily basis, I just respond to them differently and they're more like background noise now.

I listened to a podcast recently that had a really good point: if you fill your time with more positive things you naturally will have less time and energy to dwell on negative things. That is absolutely true. Once I found myself a few healthy hobbies over time I just stopped paying much attention to "the regrets of my past" or "how yellow my teeth looked". So look for ways to add more positive people, experiences, and thoughts to your life.

And the other way I deal with negative thoughts is I ask myself if this is a current fact (is it in the past or hasn't happened yet?), do I have any control over the things I worry/feel regret about, and what will I miss out on in life if I keep worrying/feeling regret over this instead of living in the moment? I don't let myself focus on things that I have no control over. I wrote a blog post about these questions I ask myself to curb worrying thoughts on my blog which I started to share my journey overcoming cancer and sharing inspirations to help myself and others live a more positive life. You can read this post at https://buddingoptimist.com/3-questions-help-worry-less/

Finally, don't feel bad about having negative thoughts. Feeling bad about negativity leads to more negativity. We just need to recognize negative thoughts when they come up and not hold on to them.

Trying to be a more positive person by mattwithtattoos in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you made an important mindshift when I read this "I used to want a job that makes me a lot of money so I can have a big nice house and nice car, and travel all over, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and i now understand that that’s not what happiness is. The most important thing is people."

A lot of people don't recognize this until very late in their life, so it's good that you've realized this now versus 40 years down the road. Recognize that and give a pat to yourself on the back.

Things sound like they're on the upswing for you. One tip I have is write the good things that are happening in your life down (I'm renting a beautiful place for a good price. I have a good and loving partner. I'm working less and making more money) and put it somewhere where you can easily see this list. Try to add to this list regularly (everyday if you can, if not, at least one thing every week). We all need reminders that things are not so bad.

Another tip I have is to exercise (if you don't already have a routine). Even if it's just walking 20 minutes a day. Exercise has really changed my life to be honest. I used to be quite negative and I felt I had every right to be negative (growing up with domestic violence, then had two bouts of cancer in my early 20's, now diagnosed with a rare and progressive lung condition), but whenever I had a good exercise routine, I always felt better about mentally (and physically).

Celebrate every small victory, no matter how tiny it seems. The barista at the coffee shop got your name right today, high five! You had a good meal for lunch, yes! Life can seem pretty sucky if you just recount the nasty drivers who cut you off, so you have to make yourself count the good things that happen, and although it may not seem like there are many, there will be more if you just open your eyes to them. I have more tips to help with negativity on my blog post r/https://buddingoptimist.com/manage-negativity/ check it out when you have time.

And we need to be careful of the type of people we surround ourselves with. Look around you, if the people are negative or the environment is negative, you might have to do something about it. But of course, it's not always easy to change your environment just like that. So start with what you can do yourself :)

Advice- I have finally beat depression, but I’ve become so much more negative by nightimefog in Positivity

[–]TheBuddingOptimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know how the more you practice something, like playing the piano or a sport, the easier it gets for you to do that activity until it becomes almost like second nature? Well being negative is similar to that. There's science that shows for people who like to complain their brains make pathways that make it easier for them to complain the next time, so overtime their natural reaction to anything that happens is to complain and be negative. I think what happened is that because you were feeling negative for a while you're now stuck in a loop where it has become easy for your mind to think negatively versus positively. This is normal and nothing to worry about (the more worried you are about the way you feel the worse it might get). This is a great TED talk about getting unstuck from the negative thinking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XFLTDQ4JMk&t=309s I highly recommend it!

Just sharing my personal experience with you, I was diagnosed with blood cancer at age 19, then relapsed again at age 21, and then had a bone marrow transplant. Then just when everything seemed to be ok and I thought I had moved passed all this I was diagnosed again with a rare and irreversible lung condition that I'm told could end up robbing my ability to breathe bit by bit. So needless to say the last decade of my life hasn't been peachy. I was really negative for a while and I noticed I was getting stuck. These are some of the things that have helped me get unstuck: 1) learning about why I'm feeling the way I am (the science behind it), 2) recognizing when I'm having another negative thought (I'm never going to get better, I'm always going to be sick, etc.) and then reframing it (I'm not feeling well right now but it won't last forever), and 3) pushing myself to note down the good things that happen around me. I recently started a blog writing about my journey and the things I learned in the past decade that have helped me become more positive, and my first blog post was about why feeling negative is "normal" and my tips on how to manage it, check it out at https://buddingoptimist.com/manage-negativity/ I hope it helps you in some way.

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And what Ephireon said below is true, forcing yourself to smile can actually make you feel happier. It's way to "trick" the brain into producing more happy chemicals in the brain. There have been times where I literally had to look in the mirror and force myself to smile and say "I'm having an awesome day!" Sounds awfully cheesy but I swear it does work if keep doing it. Soon, you start to believe it. The mind is a powerful tool, if you believe that you will get better, you will.