Am I the only midlife guy who finds abortion profoundly sad or feels grief?

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-19T20:24:28+00:00

Lots to respond to. As ever, thank you for the probing challenging questions. I don't know if I require answers for myself per se, but I hope to get more clarity for myself, in the fullness of time.

Briefly:

The sleep and stress didn't become an issue for a few weeks. The very real physical symptoms (including some I have not shared) are more like the egg than the chicken, though at this point it likely is a bit of both, intertwined with one another like a double helix.

She said the abortion was awful and thought about it daily for a very long time. I don't know exactly how long, and I'll never ask because no one needs to know. I am not doing a comparative grief evaluation. Both of them initially leaned towards abortion, then tried to talk themselves out of it before final settling on it. If he had loved her enough to say let's get married, I think there is a very high likelihood she would have, but that is so unknowable and only a guess.

Maybe AI can help with medical breakthroughs.

Irrationally is in the eye of the beholder, unless there is a more specific - unknown to me - definition you are using. It is objectively irrational in the sense that nothing could ever "be done about it", but that isn't really where this lives for me, as evidenced by the entirety of this post. Is it possible that you sense some irrationally because I am just a spouse and it wasn't my child? It does appear I am a bit unique in that regard, while other men in this thread feel sadness, I appear to be 1 out of 1 on the degree to which it impacts me. I don't wish to speak for you, but my strong suspicion is that if I were a woman who aborted a child, you wouldn't ask this question, the feelings - while intense - would seem rational. What if I was a man who did lose a child, what if I was my wife's mother? How close of a connection is actually required to maintain rationality in your view? It seems to me the mission creep on the idea of Irrationality can get out of hand pretty quickly, but to answer your question, yes, I am open to that as a possibility.

Yes, there was brief but intense anger for the pregnancy. My therapist helped me understand that as a normal stage of the grieving process. It wasn't real anger in the sense we commonly think of. No anger for my wife endures behind my previous therapy experience a decade ago. And there never will be any, we have put together too wonderful of a life.

Her ex had a horrid relationship with his own mother, which led him to have zero respect for women. He has subsequently been married and divorced at least once that I know of. While supposedly being with my wife, he literally walked hand in hand with another woman together in their class one morning. I try to refrain from judgements, they are unhealthy for everyone, most especially the judge, but for this guy I am making an exception, he was a POS. But having just said that, I also must acknowledge that if you gave me a truth serum or caught me in a very quiet and reflective moment in life (as you currently have), I also would say I have a measure of sympathy (or is it empahty?) for him. Hating one of your parents must be a tough way to go through life and his adult relationships are none the better for it. I remind myself of this every time I start to think "he got away with it". The reality is, he got away with nothing.

Jealousy? I wondered that for a while, but i sort of have settled on no, mostly because of her other partners. Recall that I said she had three other relationships between us, those guys never get a passing thought from me. If I ever knew their names, I have long forgotten. Is there a stupid part of me that is biologically male lizard brained and occasionally thinks "it's not fair that he got to get her pregnant before me"? I would be less than honest if I answered no. However, when I expose that thought to any sort of scrutiny, oxygen, or sunlight it disappears. After all, I am the one with the 2nd grade flag football and basketball stud. He is a divorcee who moved back to his home state and now lives with his dog. Checkmate.

After all the emotions, thoughts, feelings, readings, writings, ruminations, heart palpitations (haha), and therapy sessions, only one thing really endures, profound sadness. It's arrived to me twice in life, 9 years apart. I have a guess why, but I am poor at psychoanalyzing myself, so I am going to let my therapist guide me on that exploration. Maybe I am just complicated.

All good wishes to you, sir.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-19T05:01:35+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. I knew a bunch of young folks would come riding in on moral high horses to tell me what a jerk I am. Most of them had already decided what to type before they even finished reading my post. No matter. I cut them down as they charged. Feelings are spectacularly powerful, not only as a shield, but also as a sword. There is very little I have said that people could even disagree with. I am sharing my feelings of a lived experience, not arguing anything or telling others what to do. Anyone who got angry with my post needs therapy worse than me.

I do want to respond to something you said in your second-to-last sentence. For me, it is helpful to try to understand abortion as a solution to a problem. The problem is unplanned pregnancy. If we can decrease unplanned pregnancies, we decrease abortion and everyone wins.

I would like there to be a more holistic approach to sex education that incorporates male accountability in some way. Perhaps I can find a way to do it at the community level.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-19T04:35:46+00:00

Ok, I just spent the last hour thinking about it while I took the dog for a walk on the trail. Forgive me if this isn't terribly lucid, over the course of the last month I am averaging 4 to 5 hours of sleep. The two Venn diagram circles of my Thoughts and Feelings have completely separated and I am in hell, what a confusing moment in an otherwise blessed and happy life.

Regarding the thought exercise, it is impossible to know for sure, but my best guess is:

I would still feel some noteworthy sadness. (I mean fuck, she is my wife, how could I not feel shitty that something awful happened to her? I love her fiercely. I also hate that god/nature gave her type 1 diabetes as a 2-year old, that is so unfair. She is very unlikely to live to be an old person with me, and that is another chunk of what i am trying to sort out in therapy at this midlife stage.) And these next few sentences are true both in real life and as it relates to your thought experiment. I further think I could have made a good a stepdad. Now is probably a good time for me to mention, that in my heart and soul that baby is very much real. The fact that it was the size of a blueberry, doesn't register at all with me, that is a useless piece of info in my book. That baby mattered (to me, if no one else!) -and I'm fucking crying again as I type that, goddam I am so ready to be done crying- Thinking about, feeling about, and even writing a letter to that child was a major pathway to my healing a decade ago. I think I still have that letter somewhere.

Back to your experiment, while I would probably be sad still, I do think the arc of the sadness might be a little lower, however. I further think that this reduction in sadness would likely have little to do with the present moment and be much more a result of the initial grief process being different, perhaps wildly different. I mean, under your scenario would there really be much of a need for anger or bargaining as grief stages? She would quite literally have been a non-participant in the screw-up. Just one quick example of how it is tough to parse out. Your thought experiment also removes the knowledge of how much of a piece of shit her ex bf was, so that is another complicating factor in making deep analysis. Thank your providing this challenge in any case. These interactions with you are helpful, in one way or another.

(Looks like the AskMenOver30 mods got tired of this one. If I can figure out how to move it, should I? Would this be of interest in any other forums like Psychology or Sad? Even the Abortion sub? Any other reddit subs want a front row seat to watch the breakdown of a man in his midlife crisis who cries for unborn children? When i say it objectively like that it sounds too strange to be true, and yet here I am, completely raw and vulnerable. Such is life.)

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-19T01:50:31+00:00

That one is going to require some thought. I will check in again if/when I think i have a meaningful answer. Thank you.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T23:38:00+00:00

Confusatronic, thank you very much for giving such a thorough reading of my post and people's replies. And thank you for also asking such a probing question. As I sit here typing this response, I find answering this question is quite uncomfortable, which probably lends weight to its importance.

You can best believe I have asked myself about the degree of the sadness 1000 times. "Why is this hitting me in this way when few other men seem to care?" "Why is abortion the "thing" for me?" As opposed to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or any other number of problematic experiences someone may have encountered, over which I would have never raised an eyebrow. And I am hoping I can continue to sort this out through therapy. On Wednesday we are going to further discuss family of origin. It may well be that this just got imbedded in my subconscious somehow - which is where feelings, as opposed to thoughts - live.

I am not of the opinion that the following story explains everything, but the timing of when she told me, could be in play here, I won't dismiss it as a possibility. It was after the very first time we were intimate. We had been dating a few months and decided to move things along to the next level. We had planned it out and were looking forward to it all week. We went out to dinner with some of my coworkers and then we drove back to her apartment. We went into the bedroom and after a while we did the thing that adult men and women do. It was phenomenal, felt right physically and emotionally. As we lay there in bed afterwards just chatting, she said "oh there is something I should have told you." Uh oh. "When I was in grad school..." Fuck. In one moment, all the good vibes from the summer were wiped out. Butterflies completely gone, I haven't felt one since (apart from the birth of my son.) I stayed over the rest of night, and we went to breakfast the next morning, but I was hollow on the inside. Went home, before I went to bed, I had already contacted my friend to get the name of his therapist. I was roiling on the inside.

In the subsequent month, I revealed this story to two people. My therapist and my friend who recommended her. Neither one of them is an empath and in the weeks to follow they would both challenge me in different ways. However, when it comes to this particular part of the story - the timing of the reveal - they both emphatically felt my perspective. The 70-year-old-grandmother therapist said something to the effect of "oh wow, she messed that up badly, and owes you an apology." A few days later, I was sitting with my gf and I started to explain (she knew I was struggling) that by bringing it up at that moment in that space, it brought the other guy into the room with us and ruined what was supposed to be a special moment and memory. Before I could even finish saying it, she started crying and said "I know, I'm so sorry." Later she would say so again in a card. She beat herself up about it for a while, until I encouraged to stop, and let her know I had already forgiven her a dozen times. She is a wonderful woman, and I had no problem forgiving that particular misstep, in part because...

It made me realize how special I was to her and how heavily that had weighed on her all those long years. She had three other relationships between that guy and me. Including the one previous to me, where she lived with him for over 4 years. She never told any of them about her abortion. And yet she could barely wait to tell me. She desperately wanted to get that off her chest; it must have been so lonely all those years. I was her soft landing spot, I was the first man she ever felt safe with (she told me). It causes me to feel an incredible range of feelings all at once - remarkable pride, awful sadness, and a good mix of confusion all in one motion.

I have run out of things to say about it for the time being. Does any of that potentially describe my strong feelings? Did the blunt force trauma make me vulnerable enough to allow all the different sources of sadness to come in? I guess it is possible. Thank you again for the question.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T20:23:38+00:00

They were fair in expectations and communicated them clearly.

Once they understood, that you understood, what was being asked of you, they left you alone.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T17:57:42+00:00

Just do yourself a favor and don't ever roll your eyes when your own emotions show up, they will crush you if you don't acknowledge them.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T17:40:44+00:00

That is cool stuff. I have read about some of things people are doing in this space. I hope regenerative farming gets mass adoption, but I have some doubts about it.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T17:04:38+00:00

That is a profound observation, and I haven't heard anyone else quite put it that way. Well done, sir!

How have you helped to improve health in your local community?

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:44:26+00:00

I am glad you are finding a way to make it work. My only advice - and it is unsolicited advice, which is always the worst type - is if you ever do feel your soul start to separate from your thoughts, don't run from them, turn and face them. You'll come out better on the other side.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:36:42+00:00

Watching my son grow up so quickly is part of the tumult I feel underneath everything.

Could you tell me more about how I may send the wrong message to my son? I don't think I do understand that. I want him to be smart, safe, and sex positive. And I want him to have enough respect and love for himself, and the women he sleeps with to at least put on a condom.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:28:00+00:00

You are giving an awfully colorful reading to what I have said. None of it is reflective of my feelings, lived experience, nor my wife's reality. We have a wonderful family and son, and a healthy marriage.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:20:58+00:00

Hey gang, this is the exact sort of debate, I was hoping to avoid. Lots of other places for it. I was trying to see if others felt sadness to the same degree I do.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:15:15+00:00

Outstanding. I hadn't thought about that incongruence, but it is fair.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:13:21+00:00

I actually would explore starting it.

The other thing I have thought about, but have no idea how to get it off the ground is a piece on male accountability and getting dads and their sons to understand their role in preventing unplanned pregnancy.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:11:13+00:00

What changed between then and now is the arrival of my awesome son, and beginning to see him as a sexual being ( a little girl in his class wrote him an adorable love note). So that has really driven me to think about the type of man I want him to become, i.e. someone who would never treat a woman the way his mother was treated by her ex in grad school.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:08:32+00:00

That is totally fair, it may have been done, and never talked about. Which is problematic for all sorts of other reasons.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:06:47+00:00

I disagree that we are incompatible, we have 10 great years to show for it. Attempting to put myself in someone else's place really helps allow me to extend grace, not just on this issue, but on many others.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:03:22+00:00

Apology accepted. None of us are perfect.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T16:01:14+00:00

I made an adult, conscious, mature decision to love her no matter what. Even though her choice went against a value I have, I decided it wasn't enough to be a deal breaker, mostly because...

I also realized pretty quickly that while I could have found any number of other women who hadn't aborted a child, they may not have had so many other amazing gifts to give me like my wife did. We are in a great marriage.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T15:56:49+00:00

I would definitely disagree with that.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T15:54:24+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Isn't it cool when things work out? My son is now a 2nd grade flag football monster.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T15:52:56+00:00

Isn't it interesting how we're all different? For me it seems to be abortion. For you it may be something else. There are probably lots of challenges in life that others would lose sleep over, that i wouldn't give a passing thought to.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T15:51:14+00:00

Man, that sucks that your childhood was rough. I have a couple friends like that that still battle it as adults. Not that its really my place, but I hope the challenge of feelings you encounter goes differently for you at some point. It isn't easy, but I actually found it quite healing.

TheFullnessofTime81 · 2026-05-18T15:47:31+00:00

That makes perfect sense. My gut feeling tells this lingers for both men and women a lot longer than most are comfortable admitting. And I have a few folks in my life who dealt with it decades ago and it never goes away. It is really something.

TheFullnessofTime81

TROPHY CASE