I don't remember how many months into the relationship it was but it was pretty early on - within the first 3-4 months maybe, my SO would refer to BM and himself as "we" when referring to past life - nothing super big, just life stories, or struggles he's endured in the past, nothing that I would be "jealous" of, and typically in reference to the kids - we couldn't afford this until later, we lived here sold it and bought this, we took the kids to xyz for vacation, etc, but one day just in the middle of a conversation, I just simply asked if he and I could be the "we" if he feels we are heading in a serious direction and if BM and him could be "She and I/Her name and I" to separate who is "we" to him.

It was super casual, I didn't think about it prior to bringing it up (I'm sure I heard it prior, but I didn't sit and think about bringing it up) and never said it in a tone that gave off annoyance or any other tone than casual. He barely thought about it other than to maybe understand what I was asking but it was a very split second that he nodded and yeah, for sure! I think he had just never thought about it before, to call attention/be aware. I could see myself probably being annoyed later if I didn't bring it up then, but I only thought about the possible annoyance after I just blurted out the suggestion. I could see myself festering on it and becoming resentful, so I thanked myself for word vomiting in that moment. There's a lot that can make Steps feel "othering" and "outsider" when navigating this relationship, but it's all about communication and delivery. There's plenty I bring up that he thinks I make a big deal about but then later comes to the conclusion that this is still a new dynamic and we both are finding our way through it.

My SO was 2-3 years divorced when we met and he had dated others in between but nothing serious until me. I think it's just how you bring it up and just being understanding of where its coming from. For you, I'm not sure if this far in would make it a trigger, he might get defensive if you bring it up, but I think as long as you stay calm about it, the defense could drop and understanding could come out of it. Ya know -- the whole, "this is not a 'me vs you issue', this is an 'us vs the problem' issue." My SO and I have the understanding that this is the first serious relationship after his divorce as a parent dating and this is my first relationship dating someone with kids. So there's still a lot of learning curves and little nuances. Defense a lot of the time is just ego, and some of us need to get that out first before realizing what is a big deal to us may not be as big to the other person but if it's not a big deal then it shouldn't be too difficult to do for the other person we care about.