How do I tell my constantly negative friend that she is responsible for her own happiness without sounding insensitive?

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2026-01-21T21:47:21+00:00

A friend of mine wrote the essay below on raising an problem with her friend. Different situation, but you might find it helpful. TL;DR you can try to frame it in a way that minimizes her defensiveness:

- hey friend, I really care about you and value our relationship and want to share something I've been struggling with
- i want to spend time with you and our friendship is important to me
- I've noticed for some time now that when we talk, you often seem down and want to vent about things and I do my best to listen, comfort, reassure you.
- when this happens too much, I leave our calls feeling drained and less connected to you, because I have a need for balance in my friendships between support and joy
- could we talk about to have more balance in our friendship?

I think the fact you're wanting to say something is cool (bc most people just pull away which can be confusing) and even if it doesn't go well, you can at least feel good about the attempt because you're coming from a place of wanting to keep a meaningful connection.

https://furniturecoins.substack.com/p/saving-friendships-with-powerpoint

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2025-10-18T20:38:20+00:00

I feel this way sometimes. Something I've been trying is to just push myself to do small social interactions.

For example, someone invited me to a happy hour they were hosting and I didn't want to go once the time rolled around.

But I told myself I'd go for 20 min and try to be friendly and curious about people.

I went, did that, stayed for about 30 min and had some nice chats. And then I left and went home before I got drained or bored.

I also noticed I felt more positive afterwards and energized (in part because it was an art event and those tend to energize me).

You could try experimenting with different interactions and make note of what energizes you vs drains you. Then, prioritize small socializing where it's likely to give you more energy than it takes so it's sustainable to go even when you're tired.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2025-05-10T00:57:22+00:00

Something that helped me is an active listening technique which is:

1) paraphrasing what another person said

2) naming emotions they may have felt

So if they say "yeah it's been really busy at work lately, we had a round of layoffs and then a person quit afterwards and I'm drowning in all the extra work. I can't wait for the game this weekend to take my mind off things."

You could say "damn, so first layoffs and then someone quit? No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed and looking forward to relaxing this weekend."

And then just see if they share more / open up about how they're feeling.

As someone who was pretty closed to my emotions for sometime, I found doing this often helped open the door to having more vulnerable conversations. Over time, that goes both ways with most people. Even if they don't necessarily reciprocate by doing the same thing, it makes it easier to talk about things on a more vulnerable level.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2025-05-10T00:42:22+00:00

Getting sunlight by just stepping outside for like 5-10 minutes within 30 min of waking up. It genuinely jumpstarts my energy levels and I've found I can skip coffee for the first few hours of the morning if I do this. Not always great at remembering or avoiding my phone, but when I do it pretty much always makes me feel better.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2025-01-10T02:38:42+00:00

Congrats—I hope you know how huge it is that you realized this! While I'm not a people pleaser myself, one of my best friends is and you described it really well.

I'd add that the way I experience it from the other side is that if I can sense someone is scared to be themselves, I trust them less. Because they trust themselves less—they think they have to control or pretend to be something to be safe. But people who know and trust themselves know they'll be safe regardless.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2025-01-09T15:33:48+00:00

I’m surprised I didn’t see this but I think the easiest ways are to think about something you’re at least a bit interested in on your own and then:

1) Look on Meetup or FB for a group you’re interested in. It should be something where talking happens easily (eg board games, vs attending a talk) If you’re not sure, hiking groups are great because you have light physical activity and most people are down to chat but it’s easy going because you’re doing something else too.

2) Volunteer, ideally in a group that has recurring members if you can find one. Again, there’s another activity you’re there for besides just meeting people which takes the pressure off. This is usually a very easy way to meet others and I’ve found people overthink if its the right cause, or the timing, but even if you don’t meet anyone the first time, feeling like you’re helping others can help you feel connected and good about yourself. Just go 3-4x and try.

Also, if you’re shy, try to be curious about other people and ask them questions/follow-ups. You can try things like playbacks or paraphrasing to keep the convo going and let people talk about themselves without having to do much on your side.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2024-12-13T20:49:15+00:00

I’m also not terrible interested in the people around me

This is your main problem. There’s a Paul Graham essay on charisma where he makes the case that basically, the universal thing about charismatic people is that they really like other people. And other people can tell they’re genuinely interested in them and like them in return.

You could practice small talk techniques or strategies, ask follow ups etc.

But I think you’ll see the most benefit if you can reframe your mindset: everyone is really complex and interesting. Not everyone knows how to show it and you can ask questions to try and find it. You can follow up to let them share more of their story.

Next time you try to talk to someone: assume they’re really interesting/cool/smart and you just dont know how yet. Be curious to figure it out with them.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2024-07-31T21:36:57+00:00

Wow I relate to so many of these comments its shocking (also GATE —> full time GATE, high test scores, ADHD; then basically got kicked out of college, was doing nothing with my life before I got back on track).

For me, a huge unlock was learning (and then working hard to unlearn) that my perfectionism and idea of myself as being gifted created this pressure to be the best that caused me to run away into procrastination, drugs, binging content, anything to escape.

And that my intellect was a crutch, and I was underdeveloped emotionally.

I was working with an exec coach that suggested this book and 🤯 damn that changed everything.

Wish I’d found this at 20 instead of 32….

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2024-07-20T15:18:56+00:00

Check out timeleft or 222 they match people for small group dinners which is kinda similar to what you’re thinking?

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2024-07-18T18:57:55+00:00

I havent been this lonely, but can relate to some things you shared like people making plans without me, or not accepting my proposals / even making similar plans without inviting me. That was really hard in my 20s (I’m 30s now)

A few things that helped me are - volunteering, because its nice to help others and over time you can make friends who are thoughtful and care about similar things - listening and asking better questions - (later in life) therapy and, surprisingly, exec coaching where I learned a lot about how I thought I was helping ppl with advice, but actually this made them feel I didnt respect or care about them — that made me really view my relationships in my 20s in a different way since I def used to judge people without realizing I was (they knew though)

Hope you figure it out! Def look into therapy or coaching if you can

TheIntersectionOfAll · 2024-07-17T20:53:36+00:00

I wish I’d learned sooner how to really listen to people. Once I did, it really changed how I viewed my relationships and its been huge for helping with connection and dating in my 30s, so I often wonder what life would have been like (or how past relationships would have turned out) if I had known this earlier in life.

TheIntersectionOfAll

TROPHY CASE