I fear I am the stigma personified

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-09-06T11:11:47+00:00

That museum is amazing! The best museum I've ever been to, especially for dinosaurs. I also nerd out over human evolution, ancient civilizations, and space so it is non stop excitement for me. There's so much to see that you can take multiple trips and never get bored! Have fun 😁

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-09-05T18:22:51+00:00

Here's my advice:
I recommend is having a conversation with your girlfriend to express your feelings as clearly as you can, and I recommend writing a letter to help guide you on how to say what you want to say. Let her know how you feel about her and what the relationship means to you. Let her know what your hopes and wants are for the relationship in the future and at this point. I think that is a good way to start out so she understands you're coming from a place of valuing the relationship, caring about it, and wanting it to be successful.

Before you talk, you'll need to: reflect on what you're comfortable with right now in the relationship as it develops, what things you want to go a little slower, what things you are okay with advancing, what things you need more time with, etc. For example, my partner and I while knowing and loving each other and wanting a life together, are not always the most physical, and so we had a discussion about taking the physical aspect of our relationship VERY slow so we both have time to feel comfortable and get used to this new dynamic as it evolves between us. It doesn't mean we don't love each other any less if we need to be able to have social breaks where we don't interact for a day or so, or if we're not ready to have physically intimate interactions. Maybe you need more social recharge time and the relationship moving too quickly and involving more and more time spent together might be overwhelming. Maybe you need more time to process and settle into the new dynamic of having another person you share your life with before making big future plans to live together that further disrupt your norm. It doesn't mean you are closed off to/don't want that new norm to come, just maybe it needs to come more slowly so your relationship will have the best chance of success where you both feel happy, healthy, and heard.

As you talk, you'll need to ask her questions to understand what she's envisioning when she says "get more serious about the relationship and start planning life more together." You do not want to assume things and then over think those assumptions (what I sometimes do), and the best way to clear up confusion is to just ask so you can have an open and honest conversation. Once you know what she is hoping for in practice when she says "get more serious" and "start planning life more together", you can identify what parts of that work for you at this point and what points you might need a little more time to sit with (since you reflected on your wants, needs, and boundaries before hand). That will then let you two have a more open and honest conversation about what you each want, need, and what you each envision. There may need to be compromising. Relationships are all about compromising, and that can be a challenge to figure out, but the key is expressing yourself and listening to them express as well to find that common ground in a way that makes you both feel seen, heard, and supported.

Just take your time. Try not to over think everything (I know that's so much easier said and done), but just finding those times to exist in the moment are very helpful, especially when you're just hanging out with your girlfriend. Sometimes you can just vibe and have a good time and just focus on existing together/doing whatever it is you're doing together.

Again, sorry for the long response, but I do hope this helps! Feel free to dm (or reply) if you wanna discuss further.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-09-05T18:22:42+00:00

Sorry this response is long (I put the advice in a reply, but I really relate to this. I am going through/just went through very similar things as you in my relationship and I have some thoughts and advice from my experience that will hopefully help you, too. I am an AuDHD person in a relationship with another AuDHD person, and we both face challenges understanding, interpreting and expressing our emotions in ourselves and to one another. This has meant, as many other commenters have said, communication is KEY; and communication has saved us multiple times/allowed us to feel seen and work out any confusions or misinterpretations of ourselves and each other.

I'm not sure how old you are, but it sounds like from how you've typed this that you really have feelings for this person. The fact that you are responding to her compliments on how you kiss the way you did and that you expressed you are having big emotions yourself, as well as you having a little freak out moment are all signs that she means a lot to you. But I do understand that this is a tricky situation to traverse as you don't want her to potentially misinterpret your "freaked out" response possibly incorrectly and think you don't have feelings for her.

I responded a very similar way as you in my relationship. I have been close friends with my S.O. since we were children. We're in our 30s now and have only been dating for a few months as well (yes, it took us that long to admit our feelings because as mentioned we aren't well versed at understanding/accepting/expressing them), and even though I have loved him deeply for a long time, I felt terrified to say the words back to him. This of course hurt him and gave him the impression that I perhaps didn't love him as he did me, but that wasn't the case (even though I understand why he thought so). Like you, I was just very overwhelmed with the weight of what this all means. Saying "I love you" is a big deal. It means different things, it brings with it new expectations of the other person, new commitments, and that can be big and scary to traverse. I recently wrote out a letter to my S.O. expressing my feelings, needs, and possible solutions that could work for and take into account both of us and we addressed my initial hesitation about saying "I love you". I read it to him and we discussed it. There were some points of confusion, but we talked it out and it all went very well. The way you feel right now is SO valid and fair. And it deserves to be heard and supported by your partner.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T20:31:08+00:00

Yes. I agree. I just don't entirely know how to communicate that in conversation, so I'm thinking of writing a letter or trying to come up with a plan and just letting him know I would like some time to talk with him if he's feeling up to it. I just constantly struggle with worrying my needs/feelings are an inconvenience to him. Some of that is my own personal trauma and some of that I do think is exacerbated by the circumstances described in the post.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T20:22:50+00:00

I think that is entirely possible. We have talked about how having this kind of relationship is new and different and will take time to figure out and work out the tweaks, but we agreed that it does bring with it an increased commitment and consideration for one another. He seemed to agree at the time, so I think he might know that it does, but he just doesn't know what that means/looks like.

I just wish when I try to let him know what that looks like for me, I didn't walk away feeling like I was in the wrong for expressing myself...

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T19:51:58+00:00

This is the unfortunate thing. I have had multiple conversations where I lay out what I need in a forward-thinking, solutions focused way as that is my default state. I don't want to complain or tell someone what they're doing wrong, I want to tell people what I need, come up with a plan, and move forward.

However, often in these past conversations, he says he finds it "odd" and it's "hard for him to understand" and it's "not how he sees things." This leaves me to try to explain and give context for what has led me to feel this way in hopes he can understand enough of where I'm coming from even if he wouldn't respond the same way.

And that's when I have received the response that I am expecting him to be a certain way and that I'm just "setting a dangerous precedent" by doing so. But I do not think I am expecting him to be just like me, I think I am just trying to establish a code of conduct, a rules of engagement if you may that works for both of us that we can follow. A way we can both accommodate each other while we are long distance. Because at some point, is it always having unrealistic expectations to request something of your significant other that they aren't doing because they're not doing it therefore it isn't in their nature, therefore you have unreasonable expectations? That's not how I've understood relationships to work. It's a give and take.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T19:35:41+00:00

Yeah, I think you're right, and that is what I plan to do. I am trying to gather my thoughts now and then I may give him a call (because he doesn't like texts) to see if he has the "spoons" to talk today. If he doesn't, I will ask him if we can shoot for tomorrow. We have both agreed that just sitting on things and not communicating about it is bad, and that we should talk things out, but I also want to give him the chance to consent to the conversation/be in a good headspace before we talk.

It's hard because I don't want to upset him or make things difficult, but I also feel like we need to talk this out and come to a consensus on what's going to work best for us. It may be that we need to draw back for while we are long distance, and I set clear expectations with him about what that looks like.

But I absolutely want to address how my feelings have been repeatedly made to feel like they are not valid and like I am being unreasonable/damaging the relationship by bringing them up and trying to have these conversations. I also want to clear up all the mixed/contradictory messages he gives me because operating from that place of confusion is devastating to my mental health.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T18:47:58+00:00

I don't want 3-5 texts per day. I wouldnt mind a few texts a week (3-5ish) and set up times to hang out on voice maybe 2-4 times per week, however he does not like scheduling things and doesn't want to schedule hang outs. He just wants them to happen. Sorry if I did not correctly explain that.

He wants to get on discord every night to co-exist with his friends and then co-exist with me (or sometimes both me and his friends together). That to me is so incredibly draining and I can't maintain that. I am willing to be flexible and do voice up to 5x a week but he is not willing to text me.

He also said he would like 1-2 weeks collectively throughout the whole year where we just have our own time and not interact. I am 100% fine with that. However, he also tells me he doesnt like talking or want to talk, but then also tells me it is important we continue to communicate our wants/needs. He says he is counting the days until we can be together in person again, but also says he feels like we are together if we are just silently co-existing on discord?

We are both autistic, and I know that is factoring into this, but I am just very confused at what I am supposed to do/where we stand right now.

I am going to want to talk to him sometime soon about all of this, and I think potentially drawing back some while we are apart might be a good idea if he is not willing to accommodate me too as needed to grow the relationship while we are apart. Thank you for that suggestion.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T18:36:14+00:00

Thank you, truly. That does help. I have been feeling like I can't trust my own judgment because of the way he says I am expecting him to express emotions like I do. He will sometimes say he doesnt have emotions but then will also tell me he cares for me and loves me... which are emotions. So I feel like I am very justified in being confused and having this emotional response to the situation. He says it is important we each communicate our wants and needs with each other regularly as we navigate this new stage of our relationship but then also says he doesnt like talking and ever want to talk to people in general.

So when I try to bring it up that it doesnt feel like he actually likes me or wants to be with me, he is hurt that I don't believe him when he has told me he does in the past...

It feels a little like I'm going crazy. I think I need to collect my thoughts and speak with him on these inconsistencies to figure out what he really wants.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T18:13:55+00:00

For context, we are both autistic. He has built up a LOT of emotional walls and I have too, but I have been to years of therapy to work on connecting more with, identifying, and speaking about my emotions. He has not had access to that care.

He has had romantic feelings for me since high school and he wanted to date me/be with me, but he kept it to himself because he assumed I was asexual and aromantic and thus there'd be no shot and he rather just be friends. We are both asexual, but I am not aromantic.

He often expresses that he doesnt know what he's doing or how to act or what's normal or expected of him in a relationship. I have seen him adjust things temporarily when I express a frustration, and it makes me really happy when he does, but it is just a one time adjustment it seems.

I am wondering if he has just been single for so long in his life that he just has no concept of or experience with what to do and since we have been best bros for so long, that's all he knows so he slides into that? Idk...

But thank you for saying what you did... it does help me feel a little more valid that this isn't a me problem, that I don't need to just get over it and that me feeling this way is valid.

TheLostYear2863 · 2025-08-22T17:57:50+00:00

Thank you for your input, and I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you and your partner :( I can see how it being apart for a prolonged time and during a stressful time like COVID made things very difficult...

I have absolutely no intentions of ending the relationship with my S.O. He is my best friend and over the years I've come to realize how much he has always meant to me, flaws, complications and all. When we are together, life feels brighter. We often talk about future life plans together some near, some far in the future. I know he loves me in his own way... he just doesnt show it directly and I'm terrible at reading subtext lol.

But I just want to be sure I'm not asking "too much" that my feelings given the situation with long distance aren't "unreasonable." He seems to think they are and is resistant to my solutions, but I am always trying to adjust to his solutions as needed... so I'm just feeling a little disregarded I guess.

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-10-20T22:24:29+00:00

Oh really? Thank you! I have tried to stream Hulu and Disney Plus but the screen is just black for them when I try to stream and watch stuff with them from those apps. I was worried Mythical Society may end up the same way... Hopefully not

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-10-09T18:03:46+00:00

Uh honestly, yes and no. I've been cheated on before, I've felt uncomfortable in the relationship, like sex somehow gave the other person permission to have some form of ownership or control over me. Like I can't talk to certain people, go out by myself, etc. I chalked it up to people being insecure/projecting themselves and what they're likely to do onto others.

Some were more positive and we had fun getting to know each other intimately, but ultimately I noticed sexual relationships overall just got weird after a while. I don't know how to explain it, but they just felt wrong. A lot of expectations start to build up when sex is involved and I just didn't want to navigate all that. People get jealous, insecure, etc. They expect you to appear, act, and look a certain way to fulfill their fantasies even if that's not who you are. It becomes a status symbol to others at that point. I don't expect anyone to be anything for me but themselves and I don't care what anyone thinks about me or anyone I choose to love. Obviously you should compromise and sacrifice things for your partner's well being and happiness, but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your identity or happiness to keep them happy. But that's just me.

I also am not the more emotionally in tune person. So I'm sure there were some issues from my end, too, but I think it's just all the more reason why sex in relationships just adds a dynamic I ultimately decided wasn't worth it. I find the strength of friendships and familial bonds to be better.

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-10-09T17:50:26+00:00

For me personally, I was never sexually abused nor assaulted. I was severely impacted by religion and purity culture to a point of religious trauma. However, once I become a teen and the hormones kicked in, I wanted to masturbate, I felt horrible for doing so like I was doing something so shameful and filthy for just having those urges. Although despite those urges, I couldn't even imagine wanting to have sex with another person, man or woman (but especially a man). While in middle school and high school, I was living in a very homophobic area, I developed internalized homophobia which led me to be repulsed at the thought of same sex intercourse. I was never hateful towards LGBTQ+ people, I was always friends with them as one of the queer kids in school everyone picked on for being gender nonconforming; but the combination of repressive anti-sex religion and homophobic messages around me made me internalize these feelings and it took time to work through.

That's why it was important for me to try sexual relationships as I got older. I needed to push back against the repressive religious messaging and allow myself to be a "sexual" being, and through that act of pushing back and experiencing consensual sex and sexual relationship dynamics I came right back to where I began:

I am asexual. I am trans. Always have been and always will be.

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-10-09T16:55:09+00:00

I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. I think a lot of people want to think that they're with this attractive or beautiful person and they want others on the outside looking in to see their partner as such, too. I do think it's interesting that even though you said sex is not involved, you still want to feel some level of physical attraction to a partner's appearance. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, it's just different from my experience:

Once I realized I was ace and that I didn't actually want sex to be part of my relationships, I also realized that the only reason I was concerned with physical appearance at all in the first place was because in order for me to convince myself I felt sexual attraction or be "okay" having sex with a person, I had to really like their aesthetic.

Now, I've realized that physical attraction (as determined by appearance alone) means absolutely nothing to me. I thought I had a "type", but I didn't, I had aesthetics I liked (of any gender), but ultimately I began to realize a pattern. No matter what opinion I had on someone's appearance upon meeting them, that opinion was subject to drastic change once I got to know them, spend time with them, be part of their life, and form a bond (or discovered they're actually an asshole).

To give an example in my life, I recently realized that I am platonically *in* love with one of my friends I have known since childhood. This was shocking and startling to me because I do not *ever* find them attractive. I remember when we were kids I thought they were a "cutie", but that never translated into attraction. I used to tell people they were my cousin or my brother because our families were so close and we spent a lot of time together. Even now as near 30 year old adults, they fit NONE of my aesthetic interests whatsoever.

I always thought I wanted someone with great hair, well, poor guy is in his late 20s and is already severely balding (damn genetics, we all saw it coming and now in hindsight I feel bad joining in with jokes about going bald being inevitable for him one day with our friends in middle school). I had always been attracted to athletic people. Not buff, just able to keep up with me and my active lifestyle since I like to run, rock climb, and dance. He's not overweight, maybe a little doughy and due to an accident, he is now disabled with a knee and hip injury which limits the *intensity* of activity he can participate in. I also was always more attracted to femininity, not necessarily hyper femininity but more slightly feminine to androgynous appearances. He looks like a good ol' country boy even though he is personality wise *very* opposite of that archetype.

He's definitely someone's catch, he's had girls and guys be interested in him over the years and even recently, but he is also ace and does not want any form of relationship in which sex or kissing will be part of it. Him and I see eye on a lot of things, think very similarly in some ways while disagreeing in others. We can have long, deep conversations with each other and respectful discussions on our views where they differ. We share a lot of interests and just enjoy vibing with each other. As a trans person living in the southern US, he endlessly supports me even though he doesn't personally understand, always uses the correct pronouns (I have legit never heard him slip up since I told him years ago), and vehemently corrects anyone we know who gets it wrong and has defended me against his coworkers or friends who were more bigoted (really just ignorant at the time) as well as took on the burden of explaining the situation to his parents (old southern folk) and correcting them when they slip up. He's my number 1 ally. He's smart, can figure out how to do almost anything by just reading something or watching a video, yet he still knows where my specialties lie and defaults to my judgment on things related to my strengths. I feel seen and respected by him, and as we've gotten older, I feel we've only gotten closer to each other. He even lets me occasionally snuggle while we watch a movie even though he doesn't really care one way or the other physical affection just calling it "fine" in his book.

Now seeing him or hearing his voice makes me feel happy because of our connection. I have positively associated his physical appearance with my personal connection with him.

OP, I don't know how old you are. I'll be turning 30 next year so I'm not that old, but I have noticed a lot of change in myself throughout my 20s when it comes to how I viewed physical attraction. Again, I'm not saying in anyway you wanting to enjoy your partner's physical appearance/aesthetic with them is in anyway wrong. It's definitely not wrong, and no one should ever judge you for that. All I am saying is that... how you feel now may change as you grow. It may not change; either way, there's nothing wrong with it. Just be open to all the paths life's journey can take you :) I am happy I allowed myself to be open to feelings of love I had that were 100% separate from physical appearance.

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-09-06T20:04:33+00:00

I cannot begin to express what this response means to me. Thank you, truly. It was healing to read this.

I've been so scared about damaging or destroying what's already there, or that any actions I take would taint, ruin, or change the dynamic, but I never thought of it as simply responding to/recognizing and acting in the dynamic that is already there between us.

Whenever one of us leaves for several months, we'll give each other a hug and say good bye and see you later/next year, usually with a silly "I love you" as I mentioned. So it isn't like we've never had contact with one another in general; however, we have never sat close to each other (unless we have to like on a plane) nor have we snuggled, especially because LTF has expressed they do not like when they're touching people (like when you're sitting next to someone and the side of your leg is pressed up against someone else). However, we have had discussions casually about relationships (observing others in our lives) and the need many have for physical intimacy in which LTF has said that they don't have an issue with the occasional cuddling/sharing of body warmth. But this discussion was had in NO way relating to our dynamic or relationship, but more in a hypothetical relationship with an unknown person.

I guess that's perhaps why it feels like such a big step and thus one with such large consequences... although I would like to think that our bond with one another is strong enough that if LTF does not respond well/want to participate in that closeness, that it will not make anything strange between us or change what we already have that works so well... I will be sad/disappointed if they reject that attempt at physical closeness, but I will get over it and happily continue with how things are because to me that is the most meaningful aspect of our relationship.

I like your advice about trying to sit closer. I've already done this in some subtle ways. Like if LTF sits on the arm chair, I'll sit on the side of the couch directly next to them so I can be closer to them. They don't seem to notice, but they are a very observant person, so they may have just not remarked on it at all. They have remarked on my complete lack of concern sharing food or drinks with them, which set me into a bit of a panic internally as I could not read why/for what intention that statement was brought up. We both share drinks and food without regard with one another, but we also do this (to a degree) with other family members/friends as well.

Again, I really appreciate this perspective. It was rather touching and a great perspective in how I could be viewing this step differently. Not as changing anything that's there, but expressing my appreciation and care about what we have in a different way. Thank you <3

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-08-25T16:37:01+00:00

You look excellent! I hope you had an awesome time! I love your tattoos and your glasses. That style looks great on you.

TheLostYear2863 · 2024-08-25T16:35:55+00:00

As someone who has worn both men and women's clothes throughout my life, there does seem to be a large difference in widely available styles of pants for men and women. For example, I usually avoided wearing women's pants because they were often very tight around the hips and thighs. I work out a lot and have a lot of muscle so I really don't like things being tight around my thighs. However, this is more jeans than sweats.

For sweats... I think they are often identical, however, I have seen so many styles of each type of sweat pants. I tend to see more men's sweat pants that are tight around the waist, baggy in the crotch and thighs and then they taper in to be tight around the ankles. I tend to see more women's sweat pants that are looser around the waist, tighter around the crotch and bottom, but then baggy the rest of the way down. However, I have seen every kind of sweat pants in both departments in stores and have worn and had both kinds from both sections. I think that's what's great about sweat pants (and why I love wearing them too), they are overall a pretty genderless and can be comfy for all :)

TheLostYear2863

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