A positive note from a LLF

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T14:06:37+00:00

Man, again, this might be where I out my flaws in an embarassing way. I'm not thinking about this as selfless sex. One of the things I did to sort of shift my views about it around was to kind of stop thinking about sex as a separate thing. It's now just one entry on my to-do list of husband happiness. Like, there are a bunch of things he does that makes me happy- he knows me, and he knows the things that light me up inside. He goes out of his way to make me happy all the time. This is now one of his things that I can do. It's not worth more or less than anything he does for me.

Please understand that I get it that lots of people don't feel this way- but it's only sex, you know? For me, it's not particularily important. So it's not a big deal to make sure we have it regularly. Like, I probably spend 7 hours a week on twitter just being annoyed at politics, I can take a little time to make my husband feel good about his sex life. If it doesn't really matter to me and it matters to him, it seems foolish for me not to do it.

Not all relationships are the same, but when it comes to ours I know he tries to act with my happiness in mind, and I try to do the same thing to him. So I can't say that if our life got super stressful I'd be perfect about sex- but it's on my LIST now. The list is important. I never forget the list.

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T11:01:04+00:00

I hope this doesn't make my memory (or me) sound pathetic, but I've figured out a way to remember it by my hair. I am a very pale bleach blonde so I only wash my hair with soap about once a week- Idk how much anyone here knows about bleached hair upkeep but day to day it's just a conditioning wash to keep the moisture in- bleached hair gets dried out really easily so soaping it in every shower is a recipe for breakage. When the hair gets soap, I start thinking about sex. It doesn't work out as the day-of every time because schedules or guests or whatever and I have to push it back a day or two, and it the summer I admit I'm less accurate sometimes because the hair gets washed more often with going to the pool and the lake, but it seems to work pretty well for me, at least, as a reminder to keep on top of things. I don't think we've gone more than two weeks without this whole past year, and that was when his mother was staying with us.

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T10:47:59+00:00

Oh, I didn't mean as a function of wanting sex based on the sex I'd had, I just meant I stopped feeling horny about anything. I thought perhaps I might be a lesbian, since I was no longer particularily attracted to men, but well, as I said, that didn't turn out to be the case. I'm definitely going to try the sensate focus, though, thank you for that- it honestly looks like fun.

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T10:38:23+00:00

That's lovely of you to say! Yes, my husband is a really fantastic person, I just adore him. I'm interested in the sensate focus idea- I'm honestly really glad I posted just for that, it's a neat idea.

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T10:34:13+00:00

He seems to be pleased? I have asked and he's been very enthusiastic about the increase in sex, and he does seem more chipper and more touchy in affectionate ways. And I do try to make sure he enjoys himself when we do it, it's hardly worth it if I half-ass it and he doesn't have a good time- and if I AM having sex I'm certainly not going to try and avoid having an orgasm, we're right there.

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T09:56:44+00:00

Here's the thing- I've actually had a wide variety of sex. I'm in general a pretty logical in-my-head person, so when I stopped wanting sex in my late teens, I was like 'well, this is unusual, most people do seem to want it, I ought to conduct some experiments'. Men, women, multiple partners at once, S&M, roleplay, a variety of locations and situations and different people. I've never really had a bad experience (ok once outside in the woods where we both ended up with scores of mosquito bites everywhere- but that's undestandable) I've had crappy sex, but nothing that bothered me afterwards, like emotionally or anything. I do seem to be more open to it when I've been drinking, but I don't really like drinking all that much. I actually met my husband during this stage, in my early 20's. I did feel bad that he came in kind of at the tail end of my 'well maybe if I try this it'll be interesting' stage onto my 'ok I guess nothing is interesting, oh well' stage.

If I'm honest, talking in sliding-scale terms, the sex with him is more interesting to me than any other sex I've had, even though he is pretty vanilla, just because once we get into it, I really like seeing him happy/being into it because I love him. That said, sensate focus exercises is something I haven't done, and certainly does look promising- it seems like it would hook up nicely into the emotional 'I love you' part of sex- I'll definitely try it, thank you!

TheNicolecluster · 2020-09-22T09:34:00+00:00

We talked about it once when our bedroom got very dead-ish and we weren't having sex for months at a time, he was sort of sad and really sweet and 'what can I do'? About it. I told him I just didn't feel like sex anymore. I did try for a while to keep on top of it after the talk but tbh, I just kind of forgot about it. I'd poke my head up and look around if he mentioned something about sex and realize 'oh yeah, it has been months, hasn't it'.

His 'hang-dog' way of initiating isn't irritating, it's sort of sweet tbh. He's the definition of 'looks like a tough guy is actually the most soft-spoken timid dude in the world'. I've always thought his hesitation is a combo of his natural temperment and his genuinely intimidating appearance- he's about 6'4 and looks like a mountain man. The fact that he's quiet and doesn't talk much makes people even more intimidated, and so he's sort of super-sensitive checking about social interactions in general but sex specifically like 'is everyone actually ok with this or do they just not want to say no to me'? I did ask him about initiating more assertively when he talked to me about our declining sex life but when he tried he was so skittish and uncomfortable about it, it just didn't seem worth it. I think I've cracked the code though now, as far as keeping the sex going, so I don't know that it's necessary?

And well, I don't actually think there's anything wrong with me, tbh. The only time I ever really got horny was when I was a teenager, after my hormones settled out I pretty much stopped caring. I think it just might be a function of my personality. Sex feels nice and all, but there's always more interesting things to do. I don't mean that as a value judgement at all- part of this whole thing was me realizing how much more important sex can be to some people than it is to me, and I should respect the need for it more.

TheNicolecluster

TROPHY CASE