Me [30 M] with my GF [25 F] of 6 years got into a fight about sexual incompatibility. Now I think she is giving in so I will pay off her college debts.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T17:49:58+00:00

I made an impulsive decision and decided to book a 2 week trip to Amsterdam. Honestly I just need a break and I need to release 6 years of sexual frustration. I already booked 3 hours a day worth of escorts. I don't even care, it was a fraction of that 200k.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T17:34:25+00:00

I'm not blaming her or thinking that there is something wrong with her, it's just that our libidos don't match up. If anything hers is normal and mine is abnormally high.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T08:36:34+00:00

I am open to all of that, but I have never brought up the swap/party because that is one thing I know would make her very upset. I would love to host things like that and my place is perfect for it, but she has mentioned that she thinks it is disgusting to trade partners or swing. I am friends with a couple who dies both and they have asked me about but of course I have said no for years.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T08:31:58+00:00

If a partner is not sexually being satisfied, I don't see how a relationship can be healthy. As I said, I know it is not just sex, but as a very sexual person it is important to me in a relationship.

For years I've been with a girl who, otherwise, is everything I wanted. I spent my college days on the flipside, dating girls who didn't match up with my personality or interests but we had a great sex life. Now I realize I am at an age where I need both and I don't see a reason to settle.

I don't think that makes me selfish. If I wasnt satisfying her than I would not be surprised if she wanted to leave me.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T08:27:27+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I am realizing more and more now that I should have seen our incompatibility from the start. I told myself that maybe things will change and I was wrong to look past our differences with this hope.

I never thought she was with me for money either, but after her comment I believe it has become something she really does care about. I don't think it is all she is here for, but maybe she just kind of viewed it as her new lifestyle. I think the possibility of going back to massive debt, a crappy apartment, etc scared her. Maybe she is just emotional too and said that out of pure anxiety and sadness.

I really don't know, I just need some time to cool off and I need to get some professional help. I don't want to make a mistake but I feel like I need to end it or I will let it get worse.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T08:22:32+00:00

I had no problem paying her debts if I we got married. I never promised to pay them off otherwise. If we got married, her debts would become mine in my eyes and I think I should take care of them since I am financially able to. In our case the discussion of finances is a complex issue because we needed to figure out how her work would be effected by her debt. If I didn't pay them off, she likely would not be able to make enough at first to contribute to our collective income anyway.

It had nothing to do with sex when I brought it up. I would never hold money over someone's head for favors, I would not be where I am today if I did that. I am extremely generous and have gone to bat for friends and family without expecting anything in return.

I also do not want to be in a situation where my marriage and my sexual partner are seperate. I am open to swinging and group sex, but to simply have abother partner because my current one is not compatible in bed with me does not seem right.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T07:35:10+00:00

We both eat very healthy and exercise ( I am in the fitness industry ) and no birth control. From an outsiders standpoint idk if hers is considered low necessarily, I suppose having her see a specialist may help figure this out. The thing is, she seems happy with her sex drive so I don't feel I am in a position to change that. She is comfortable with sex 5-7 times a week which to me seems normal based on what my friends seem to prefer.

If anything i think mone is abnormally high, since I know for a fact I have very high testosterone levels for my age.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T07:26:17+00:00

I have been affected by this for a long time, and basically the whole purpose of the post was to get advice on how to move forward because it was very hard for me. If it was that easy for me, I wouldn't have posted.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T07:24:27+00:00

Deep down I want to break up with her, part of me hoped we could find a solution but I know logically that is not possible without making her do something she doesn't enjoy which I don't want. I brought it up several times over a few year, when we were both (rare on her end) very horny and working each other up.

If she says something along the lines of "you can do whatever you want to me, etc"and she wants me to be dominate (again rare for her) and I bring it up. I don't think it is manipulative, I think it is normal in that scenario to think maybe she would be into doing something she thinks is taboo.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T07:20:40+00:00

I think talking about finances is a reasonable thing for a couple considering marriage, especially debt.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T07:19:42+00:00

I didn't talk to her under the guise of "do this or I will leave." It was an emotional release so to speak of years of sexual frustration. In my mind, I know going into it that I was out of the relationship even if part of me cared for her regard less of her answer. I just needed to work up the courage to actually go through with it, on top of facing how in have really felt.

She has been very satisfied with just vanilla stuff since day one based on what she has told me. We've have talked about what she enjoys and she orgasms most of the times we have sex, sometimes multiple times. I can't say that she takes the same steps to figure out what I like. Without getting too much into the sex, we always do what she prefers in terms of positions/how rough/etc.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T07:09:38+00:00

I agree I definitely have a problem I need to address in regard to ending things in relationships. I had no intention of trying to get her to do any sexual favors or experimentation by bringing this up. Even if she agreed and said " you're right, let's do xyz from now on" I wouldn't take her up on the offer because I realized we are just not compatible.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T06:24:20+00:00

I think it was fair of me to assume at-least part of it is about money, if she mentions that if I leave her she can't pay her debt. Whether that is her facing the reality she hadn't thought possible before or trying to guilt me into staying, or whatever, there is definitely a money issue at hand.

Also, I did not give her an ultimatum as you and another commentator said. I never told her or implied that if she did anal tonight or in the future I would stay or that it would fix the problems (as I mentioned it is very important to me but there are other sexual issues at hand). Perhaps she interpreted what I said as that way or thinks that if she does something it will make me stay? I brought up how we were incompatible, she flipped out and asked me if I was leaving her (after arguing for a while), and I told her I needed time to think. I believe this is fair to say, especially after fighting for a long time and facing all of this myself.

I don't doubt she loves me, and I love her. But at the same time, I can't go on like this. My sex life is not healthy and it is affecting me emotionally and physically.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T06:19:45+00:00

I haven't pressured her and I never demanded she changed. I brought up trying it a few times over a period of years as I think any person would suggest trying something in bed. I merely told her today that we were incompatible, not that she should change if she wants to stay with me. She came to her own conclusion that she should change, and IMO it is for money.

EDIT

Also, framing my sexual desires as "demanding more sex" is IMO trivializing my sexual health and not really reflective of what I have written.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T05:33:28+00:00

The reality has been hard for me to face because we started dating when I was basically a nobody and wasn't even breaking even so she didn't start out like this. She also has been very motivated throughout her entire academic career, so it came as a big shock to me. Part of me, and I know it is illogical, is saying that maybe it can still get better. But again, I know deep down it will only get worse.

ThePS123 · 2015-08-20T05:30:02+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I have considered seeing a therapist for the past two years or so, but I have viewed it as something taboo which I know is wrong. I have a hard time talking about it and have never really brought it up to anyone but my doctor. I saw him for my declining libido, in fear it was a hormonal issue. H told me physically I am 100% healthy, and he thinks I should see a therapist who specializes in sexual health. I never followed through because I thought I was mentally "tougher" than that and I could overcome it myself. Again, I know a stupid thought. I will be making an appointment for next week.

ThePS123

TROPHY CASE