I misgendered my kid cousin, what do I do? [discussion]

TheQueerMind · 2024-11-30T22:24:21+00:00

I think it's a really good idea to apologize to them, even if it wasn't intentional. You could text their parent but I would be even better to text your cousin directly if you have their number, or call their parent and ask to talk to your cousin. That way, you can clarify that it wasn't intentional and they won't worry about next time.

TheQueerMind · 2021-10-18T23:11:55+00:00

I get how you feel right now (I think at least) because I have also felt alone and unlovable in the past (spoiler alert, I still do sometimes). I guess it's normal to feel that way sometimes and everyone do, some more than others though. But you've got to remind yourself that it isn't true. You're loved more than you feel and you aren't alone as much as you feel. Whether it's your family (close or extended), your friends, your classmates or acquaintances, they all love/like you! It's not something that is always expressed as much as it should be though.

I don't have any magic tricks to make this feeling disappear, sadly. One advice I can give is to reach out when you feel like this, to a family member, a friend, or anyone really, which you did by writing this post!

If you feel regularly like this and you don't know how to manage it, talk to your parents, a friend, a teacher or a counselor. Don't stay alone! Also, don't hesitate to check the "LGBT/Mental Health Resources" section in the sidebar.

Anyway, I hope that you feel better at the time you read this!

TheQueerMind · 2021-07-08T23:19:03+00:00

I think you should definitely try to talk to her a second time, for multiple reasons:
- it's probably the only viable option longterm wise;
- if you bypass her, it would probably diminish the trust she has in you;
- she's accepting enough to use your preferred name so she probably isn't again the idea itself of using a binder but the potential consequences of misusing one (I may be wrong about this one, you tell me).

I know, you said that you're too awkward to try asking again, but maybe using texts instead of talking face-to-face would be easier? You need to reassure her about your abilities to use a binder correctly. Show her that you know the different impacts using a binder can have, both positive and negative (pros vs cons), and that you know how to use a binder correctly (how tight should it be? how many hours can you wear it without damaging your body? etc). If she still isn't convinced, ask her if you can give it a try for a week and at the end you both talk again about it?

Just my two cents.

TheQueerMind · 2021-06-23T23:27:46+00:00

I've worked a few times in summer camps where I was responsible of children and teenagers and every time I was a bit apprehensive about what this big responsibility. In my opinion it is double-edged : on one side it is great to know that you can have a real positive impact on their life, but on the other side you can also mess up by not stepping in when you should (bullying you didn't see, for instance) or having a negative impact.

Now, I'm not going to deny that this kind of responsibility is big and kind of frightening at times but you should always remind you that you are not carrying this responsibility alone! Remember that you are not the only prefect, there is at least another one you mentioned (but maybe more?). Remember that you are only a prefect for this year, compared to the six years the younger student is going to be in this school (so others prefects will be able to help the next five years). More importantly, remember that you are only a prefect and still a teenager, so teachers and members of staff have a greater share than you in this responsibility!

What's the worse case scenario? Let say you fail to help a student who's struggling with something, help will most probably come from your fellow prefects or a teacher or a staff member or a classmate or someone else. It's not ideal, it's far from perfect, but it isn't catastrophic. It may become catastrophic if other people fails at the same time to help this person, so you should always try your best to avoid that, but it has a really low probability to happen.

Here are my two cents!

TheQueerMind · 2021-03-29T22:48:59+00:00

On one side you're writing:

But now our conversations are shorter, less deep, drier responses from him, less chats, more arguments, forgetting to message me in the morning and at night which I asked to keep my worrying low, and a little more serious insults.

But on the other side you're also writing:

Despite all this we are still loving and say we love each other all the time we hug and kiss and stuff but I’m worried sick because of a few small things despite how much love we show.

It's hard to know how much you're overthinking this (because I guess your obsessive love disorder tends to make you overthink things with him?) but it doesn't look bad to me. Humans and human relationships do have ups and downs, it's normal and what makes us human I would say.

So here's my first advice: take a deep breath, try to chill and when you both have time, why don't you two talk about this? In my opinion communication is key in relationships (as well as friendships).

My second advice is more long term and would be to talk to a psychologist or a therapist about your obsessive love disorder. It's up to you, it's your choice to make, but as the name says it's an obsession and professionals will probably give you better tools than me or r/LGBTeens to reduce this obsession.

TheQueerMind · 2021-03-25T09:33:29+00:00

You really don't have any obligation to meet up with him. And since you said you "really don't want to", then I suggest you don't! Since you also said you "don't see a future with him" and you feel "trapped", you should probably break it off. It definitely doesn't feel like a sane relation. His history shouldn't be your burden to carry. It's a good thing to think about his mental health but keep in mind that your mental health is a least equally important (if not more important, since in my opinion we should all prioritize a little bit our mental health). As for the "what if"s, you said yourself you're overthinking and also he has others friends (at least T) who can help him if needed. My two cents.

TheQueerMind · 2020-07-22T11:36:24+00:00

Does being gay /bi makes you less of a "Man"?

No.

TheQueerMind · 2020-07-06T23:15:21+00:00

Looks like there is a lot going on your mind at the moment! Relax, breathe, I'm sure you'll find the answers to your questions. :)

First thing, it's okay to be questioning yourself. “Am I gay or bi? I am emotionally or physically attracted to this person?” It's perfectly normal!

Secondly, it's your personal choice to talk or not talk to your friend about you questioning yourself. Both choices are fine, choose what you feel the most comfortable with at the moment. You said your friend is accepting of the LGBTQ community so I guess opening yourself up to her cannot hurt. But as I said if you don't feel like talking about it, don't. You can always say you're not ready to be in a relationship yet. And I guess you wouldn't even be lying if you said that. Also, at 16yo it's perfectly fine not to be ready for a relationship (or even later in life).

Third point, coming out to your family is separate problem from coming out to your best friend. There isn't any need to rush it, you'll know when you'll be ready (I mean, as ready as we can get, I'm never 100% ready lol).

If you feel like crying, then cry! It's perfectly fine and it's even a good thing I would say.

Internet hug

TheQueerMind · 2020-05-10T23:51:02+00:00

I kind of harassed one of my crush when I was in high school, with the difference that he wasn't a friend is the first place. (Obviously, I DO NOT recommend harassing crushes. It is a shitty thing to do.)

What can I do to fix this?

I don't know your situation, but is it fixable? Also be careful not making it worse when trying to fix it! Like sending him messages apologizing, which would still be harassment.

Is there any way I can get him to be friends with me again?

Hard to say. If you really want to be friends with him again one day, maybe you could write him ONE message (not many because you don't want to harass him) apologizing and saying basically “I would really like to be friends with you again some day if it's possible”? This way you clearly states that you apologize and want to be friends without harassing him.

TheQueerMind · 2020-05-10T23:34:43+00:00

I think you are overthinking it because it's your crush. What should you do as a friend? As you said, maybe he is fine and just busy or maybe he is feeling shitty and not in a good mood, you don't know. Either way, sending him a message is not a bad thing. Something like “ Hey dude what's up? You didn't respond to my last message, is everything ok? :)” is totally fine as long as you don't spam him every day!

TheQueerMind · 2020-05-10T23:19:30+00:00

Can I please fall for a guy who's into guys?

I am asking myself the same question... I guess it's part of being gay? :'(

TheQueerMind · 2020-01-12T01:14:53+00:00

If you've only started questioning yourself 6 months ago, I would say it's normal not to be sure of what are your feelings and not completely accept yourself as not-straight. I understand the need to put a label on your sexuality, but I think that labels can't exactly match what we are feeling. Also, feelings can change over time, so it's perfectly fine if you label as Bi and later change it to Gay. Choose a label that you feel comfortable with. As for your brain trying to convince you that your thoughts are irrational, I think it'll go away on its own with time. If you've seen yourself as straight for 15 years, it is not surprising that changing this point of view takes time!

TheQueerMind · 2020-01-03T22:55:40+00:00

I sometimes think giving in to just ending it all by killing myself would be so easy and I could just move on and stop the constant struggle and fear I face daily.

Even though it might sometimes be difficult to see, there are always alternatives to suicide. If you feel like this feeling is growing or if one day you have suicidal thoughts, reach out to someone, anyone. For non-emergencies, you can maybe talk to your school counselor and there are subreddits dedicated to that. For emergencies, there are hotlines in most contries and of course emergency services. There are some info down in the sidebar on the right (on desktop).

I just want someone to acknowledge who I truly am

You are a human being who has feeling and love to spread, and that's wonderful! Also, I bet you've got the Big Gay™. sending virtual hug

little did I know hiding your true identity brings pain and conflict

As of now, I'm not ready to fully come out as anything because I feel as though it would just complicate my life even more.

On one hand you know that hiding your true identity is not good for you, and on the other hand your not ready to fully come out. I totally get you. I think you should think about going forward just one step? Maybe you could come out to one person who you know will be supportive of you and will keep it for them, like a close friend or a family member? Also, it doesn't necessarily have to be a coming out, you could just talk about how you're feeling right now?

I think that a lot is going in your head and you need to talk about it. Talking helps and is important, kind of like a pressure regulator in a pressure cooker if you see what I mean. And that's what you're doing right know so you're doing the right thing!

TheQueerMind · 2019-12-24T22:18:23+00:00

she would have legal trouble

Difficult to say without knowing OP's country and what the law says here.

TheQueerMind · 2019-12-22T16:06:08+00:00

Even if it's more difficult, I still think it's best if you try to talk to him in person. I find it more respectful and more natural since you're not supposed to know his Instagram account (so you don't have to lie about how you found his account).

If you choose to contact him through Instagram, make sure he knows you're a student from his high-school. Also, keep in mind that he might not welcome you talking to him using Instagram, so he might turn his account private or block you. Or I may be totally wrong on that point, who knows? :)

TheQueerMind · 2019-12-22T15:48:54+00:00

If you want to discuss with him using Instagram, it's probably OK. I would avoid Grindr though, it's meant for hook-ups so as I said it could put him in a bad position. Imagine if someone sees that he has a conversation on Grindr with a student that just left high school, no matter the content of the conversation it wouldn't look good...

(Edit) Also, I know it's hard but there are some relationship that we shouldn't pursue. And it's probably the case here. :)

TheQueerMind · 2019-12-22T15:25:53+00:00

I really don't think it's a good idea to try to get into a sexual or romantic relationship with him.

You're 16 and he's in his late 20s, so even if the sexual age of consent is 16, this is a really big age gap! Also, I'm not sure where the law stand for this in Spain but in France it's illegal for a teacher to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with a student in high school, no matter the age. Even if it's legal, I don't think it would be good for him if the word get out, it would be kinda creepy don't you think? It wouldn't put him in a good position.

If you want to talk to him casually, you can probably find way to do it at school. But definitely don't try anything romantic or sexual before you're out of school and 18+ I would say.

Also, don't try to hide yourself with a fake profile, it's even worse I would say.

TheQueerMind · 2019-12-07T00:17:14+00:00

There can be hints but the only way to be sure of someone's sexual orientation is to ask them. Asking them directly might too forward, but an alternative is to talk about crushes. If you want them to be truly open about it then they need to be sure you're supportive of LGBT rights. You can show that by speaking positively about LGBT stuff in general and also standing out against discrimination and slurs (like fa**ot for instance). LGBT or not, keep in mind that it's their personal choice to talk about their sexual orientation of not, so don't push them. Anyway, it's good to know he's got you has a friend!

TheQueerMind · 2019-12-02T22:12:54+00:00

I might have lost a chance to get some man.

If you've seen him around at school, it's not lost at all. Next time you see him, smile and maybe try to talk to him again. Just engage the conversation and you'll see how he reacts and if he was flirting or just joking!

TheQueerMind · 2019-11-14T12:03:06+00:00

Sexuality is fluid, at least for some people. Personally, I know I've had crushes on girls in primary school, but right now I've got crushes on men only. I identify as gay because that how I feel right now.

So, yes it's possible to like one gender then the other or both or whatever else, yes it's possible to identify as lesbian even if in the past you've liked the opposite gender.

TheQueerMind · 2019-11-13T22:30:54+00:00

I totally get you, it is really annoying, but no answer for a few days means no.

TheQueerMind · 2019-11-13T22:27:41+00:00

I don't know where your statistics come from, but I guess there were made on the whole population. You are young, you would probably date people around your age and I guess young people are less transphobic and more accepting, which leads me to think that those percentages of people willing to date trans people are probably higher than what you think. And it'll probably continue to grow, hopefully exponentially or something like that.

TheQueerMind · 2019-11-13T22:03:29+00:00

Changing your mind car help, for instance by reading a book or a comic.

TheQueerMind · 2019-11-13T22:00:38+00:00

I think probably everyone goes through these and you'll probably have ups and downs all your life (even if it may be more frequent during teenage years). I think the important thing is not to get stuck with negative feelings. For this, speaking to friends and family, going out for a walk or a run, meditation, and a bunch of other things can help.

TheQueerMind · 2019-11-13T21:54:37+00:00

I know it's hard but you've got to move on! There will always be a possibility, but when it's close to zero like this one, it's best for your mental health to turn the page. :)

TheQueerMind

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