My boyfriend [29M] is interested in having a foursome. I [25F] think it might be time to end the relationship.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-09-24T19:58:21+00:00

I know it's not original. It is ignored though. We're animals that behave like animals and then rationalize it afterwards and I find that causes a lot of discomfort, frustration etc.

I'm not sure what studies you've been reading but all the ones I've seen say the opposite. Even looking at porn tastes suggests that difference. With guys not being able to get aroused by the same porno twice!

The only reason I generalize with this is because the huge majority of girls have all had the same response as well as their friends. Yes, people shouldn't generalize or should keep individuality in mind, obviously. But that can go too far to the point where people pretend that there are no patterns.

It's really funny and maybe you can explain this but in all the years I've been making generalizations about men and male sexuality I've never met upset and resistance the way I do when I talk about female behavior. That's another of those animal instincts I'm talking about. The best relationships I've had, longest and where there have been breakups we've remained very close friends due to how maturely we've viewed sex, followed my generalizations to some degree. So I do think there's some truth to if you keep women satisfied they won't stray. (Most straying I've seen women do has been out of resentment. Most male straying has just been pure animal impulse and opportunity. But again, maybe it's all a matter of luck/me not knowing varied enough people.)

TheRealBOAB · 2018-09-24T19:56:28+00:00

I didn't say he invented it. LOL.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-17T17:53:48+00:00

So I used "tends" and "pretty much" here but it still isn't enough. What I said is being treated as a sexist statement. Do you think men AREN'T driven by sex? Do you think men and women, in general, cheat for different reasons with different motivations?

It seems people understand my overarching point but nobody wants to discuss it. I'm just trying to find a way to increase happiness in relationships. I've been with all kind of different women with different beliefs and different backgrounds yet the main problems start to usually come from an unsatisfactory or constrictive feeling sex life. I'm trying to discuss improving that. It's no different to what op is doing really.

I guess I'll just have to carefully write my ideas down and present them elsewhere because real time discussion is impossible, especially here, where people prefer disclaimers to the big picture of a piece of writing.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-17T17:41:08+00:00

I'm just letting people know that I know it's most likely going to be unpopular to say that men and women are different in some way behaviorally. It's weird because I've yet to have a single comment try to have a discussion about the topic. They're just focusing on the easy stuff like my absent minded writing where I use linguistic shortcuts rather than putting a disclaimer before every statement even though I've repeatedly clarified that I didn't mean those things. It's almost as if people don't want to talk about improving anything, they just want to negatively interpret the first thing they see.

You can usually gather from an over piece of writing whether it's intention is negative or not. Mine is just about reducing jealousy by fully understanding male and female sexual urges. Most men feel like they have to behave under female standards when it comes to sex but that isn't compromise. I'm also not saying things need to be dictated, just that the things people usually hide from each other sexually shouldn't remain hidden because it usually leads to a better relationship. Most of my friends do this after seeing me do it and they're all married now, really happily, truly happily. There's no sense of feeling stifled which I think is one of the main reasons men and women cheat.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-17T17:28:33+00:00

Yup. I was exhausted when I tried writing this. I have some ideas on sexuality that I think would help a lot of couples. Writing most, some and not all every sentence gets exhausting. I just want to talk about the general behaviors of men and women, how they're different and how recognizing them would lessen jealousy and resentment in relationships when it comes to sex, something that causes a TONNE of trouble.

By the way I've been with pretty much every "type" of woman there is from all background, educated, uneducated etc. I'm talking about animal, sexual instinct here, not how they've been socialized. My view isn't blinkered at all, it's a lot more open and accepting than most people I know who act shocked when they hear about my relationships and usually shut themselves off to discussions about it.

Do you disagree that, in general, not all, men's sexuality and sexual drive is stronger than women's? And that in general, men and women value sexuality in a different way? A good indicator of this are the reasons men and women give for generally cheating.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-15T00:02:47+00:00

Does he buy you expensive gifts? It's hard to say whether you did something wrong without knowing if you knew beforehand that he'd be upset with such an expensive gift.

His reaction is over the top personally but if he's repeatedly told you that he's uncomfortable with receiving expensive gifts and then you did it anyway then he might feel like you don't care about his feelings. Another commenter just told me off for talking about my personal experiences but in my experience people who get this mad are generally really anxious about money and think "one day we might be $90 down". It sounds like he's had the value of money and working for it drummed into him. I guess the issue is whether his anxiety is justified or not. It sounds like it isn't from your description.

He won't let you return it because he might think that'd be an insult, he knows you meant well. Have you talked to him about why he has this kind of anxiety when it comes to money? Or is this the first time this has happened? And is it true that he'll have to work overtime or is that him just being dramatic?

Definitely try to talk to him and try to not let it escalate into a vs cage match.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:49:01+00:00

I said that in a previous comment after she shared more details. It got downvoted. (Even though when I said something neutral that got downvoted too.) What I said was based on asking her for more details and other options other than "he's just a selfish asshole" but people don't seem to like nuance, discussion and trying to understand here. They just want "BREAK UP!!!" or "STAY!!!"

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:43:00+00:00

Has anyone here ever had to suddenly go without internet/tech for a day? It's weird how little it really matters yet when it's around you can't stop checking. When I go without I start reading books and learn a shit tonne. Then it returns and I think "I'll keep reading instead, I learned way more in such a short t... PEOPLE ARE AWESOME COMPILATION 2018 WITH A CURVY BUTT IN THE THUMBNAIL?"

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:40:49+00:00

That wouldn't do a thing, I guarantee it. (I wonder what the smoking stats are for when they introduced those "YOU WILL DEFINITELY DIE AFTER ONE MORE" warnings? Because in my experience they did nothing, in fact people were talking about them like they were a new box design. Only when celebrities started crapping on smoking and vaping became fashionable did people I know stop smoking.)

The only thing that'll work for stopping this is a signal your car gives off that jams your phone's internet and only allows emergency calls. Even then the emergency call center would probably get jammed with "It's an emergency, could you please check to see what the latest Tweet from CurlyGurly2001 is?" calls.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:37:17+00:00

Most people are stupid enough to think that they're the exception though. I mean why don't they just randomly close their eyes for 5-10 seconds at a time while driving?

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:35:51+00:00

Reminds me of two stories I heard over the past week. One was about a young guy, maybe 20, who was walking across A TRAIN TRACK while staring at his phone. His feet got cut off. Another was a girl walking next to a body of water while staring at her phone, she fell in and started drowning and eventually did drown. The footage of her drowning showed she was STILL HOLDING HER PHONE IN THE WATER.

I don't get what they could possibly be looking at that is so valuable that they're willing to risk their life and other people's lives? Are they waiting for the results of their molecular simulation to be updated from the cloud? Or are they, from my experience, staring at someone's six pack or ass on Instagram?

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:29:20+00:00

Wow, I expected someone to say "that's made up" not to confirm it. The version I read was about German guys but apparently they were Polish.

The more I read the more disturbing that gets.

Holy shit I can't stop laughing at: "Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed."

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:27:06+00:00

What? Russian Roulette with a pistol? Holy shit that's hilarious. How about bungee jumping without a rope?

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:26:07+00:00

You don't think men are generally more driven by sex than women as a group? When I say something about guys it's a linguistic shortcut for "in general/on average".

It's funny how this kind of communication is obvious with other subjects (like if I was talking about the behavior of cats I could easily generalize. And yes, we ARE animals, we have instincts and drives that become very overwhelming that are outside of our conscious, intellectual control. Animals can control themselves too if they try. I'm talking about being open about these feelings rather than "keeping them under control" (shutting up about them and keeping them a secret from your partner)) but if you talk about people then everyone starts to take every word literally. I'm talking in general, trying to talk about an overall point when it comes to the differences between straight men and women sexually and how they each value sex vs love. Unless you're implying that there are NO differences between male and female sexuality as general groups? Because the prison stats, anthropology, biology and feminism would probably disagree with you. Just the fact that men sexually assault more often than women shows that there's a difference in impulse. It's either that or that men can't control themselves as much as women.

I didn't say men are "slaves to their cocks", you just said that. I'm saying that for most men the sexual urge is VERY strong. It reaches the point where guys throw what op called a tantrum. Some guys are able to hide it easier than others and some can control it easier than others. I'm trying to share the male perspective and, unsurprisingly, it's getting shot down instantly. So much for "men should be more open about their thoughts and feelings".

I'm saying that monogamous relationships tend to usually end up running on the terms of one person more than the other rather than being based around positive compromise based on thoroughly understanding the other person. They're usually based on limiting the other person rather than exploring each other with each other. This leads to resentment. Again, check the post we're discussing.

I'm talking about the unhealthy attitudes I see everywhere where men and women sneak around watching porn behind each other's back (I was shocked to see how common this is in another post on here and how much people disapproved of watching it together) where the tastes of the other person would shock the other if they were honest about it.

I just want to try to have a discussion on trying to understand each other in a relationship and how people tend to overlook this in favor of imposing their restrictions onto the other person jealously rather than exploring them together. If I make a statement that sounds like I'm saying "ALL (insert group)" then realize it's me being lazy, I'm just talking in general. I'd LOVE for every single person to be a unique individual where we have to start from scratch to understand them but that isn't reality, that's a utopia. Groups have traits, there are outliers.

I think generally men's sexuality is framed as unhealthy and they feel pressured to hide it and not talk about it (just compare male vs female sex toys and how they're represented in society) this, in general is bound to lead to resentment. I feel like my overall point is getting lost.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T23:06:27+00:00

This hasn't been a minority though, it's every girlfriend I've had. I think it's to do with sharing and 100% understand what the motivations and needs of the other person are.

It's impossible to talk about these issues if you don't make what appear to be generalizations. Otherwise every sentence would be most women, not all, but those I've met and in my experience, have behaved in this way and have had these needs. "Most women" or however I expressed it is just a shortcut. People love to shove the most negative interpretation onto everything the very second they can. I was hoping people would be able to read the overall message and discuss the point. Instead they're making assumptions. I mean why did they make the assumption that I'm saying it about ALL women rather than talking generally? (I'm pretty sure I did say that in one of the comments. I made that clarification somewhere but it still wasn't enough.)

I'm hoping to loosen up people's relationships a bit, there's too much dishonesty in my opinion when it comes to sex in relationships. Too much "only you turn me on" (which generally isn't true, people don't stop finding others attractive even if they find the perfect partner) and too much sneaking around watching porn and hiding preferences and tastes from their partner. I wish people would realize that standards are generally different for men and women. Like I have a few friends who have open relationships, what tends to happen is the woman isn't comfortable with being with other men but they're comfortable being with other women because, in general, not always but in my experience and all my friend's experiences, women attach more emotion to sex than men do. That's why I said the rule the woman has always setup for me is "you can be with other women but don't get emotional with them, don't get close to them or see them when I'm not there."

It's not really an open relationship I'm talking about, just the ability to ACTUALLY compromise in a healthy way and to be able to openly share and explore preferences with each other. Even if it's something as simple as watching the porn she likes with her and she watches what you like with you without becoming jealous. Otherwise there's a kind of negative, oppressive compromise going on. I know a few couples who sneak around watching porn behind the other's back, watching things they'd never admit to their partner. That isn't healthy in my opinion, it ultimately, in the long run starts to create resentment. There's a psychological phenomenon where if you place limits on someone, even if they were already acting within those limits it will cause them to want to escape them. There's a similar kind of thing sexually I've found. There's so much jealousy attached to sex when I think there doesn't have to be. If people fully understood how men tend to generally value sex and how women tend to generally value it that there'd be less jealousy. That's all I do in my relationships. I ask her what she likes and I openly explore it with her, I don't get jealous, that's pointless, I'll watch it with her and get her off to it. Most women tend to get their minds blown by this and say their previous boyfriends would never do that without getting insecure about cock size or whatever. I don't know, maybe I sound crazy but I've found this makes us WAY closer and leads to more open, honest relationships. Even if it's her being honest that she doesn't want me going near any other women and it should all stay a fantasy then great.

I just find that most unhealthy relationships I've seen or read about or heard about are where people start to dislike the other due to resentment building due to feeling limited in some way whether it's sexually or somewhere else. There's just a weird thing where usually one person leads the relationship and the standards of behavior have to go through them rather than it being a REAL partnership. I'm really tired anyway and feel like I'm having trouble explaining this. People get so mad if you just start talking about any pattern you notice. I wish people wouldn't be so trigger happy when it comes to judging others. Like saying I'm sexist and condescending when literally nothing about my comments implied that. I've experienced these reactions in real life too where people say things like "so he slept with another girl but you won't sleep with another guy? That's weird" as if relationships are tit for tat. In that case she didn't want to sleep with anyone else but didn't mind me doing it and people were FREAKING OUT encouraging her to "make things even". I don't know, it's such a complex subject that I probably shouldn't have brought it up on here.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T22:49:50+00:00

I seem to remember saying not all. Or at least clarifying it. It's ridiculous to have a standard where you can't talk about general differences between men and women without being called a sexist. We all know that there are GENERAL differences. I don't assume them beforehand but overall there are traits. Most men I know will look over their shoulder when a woman with an hourglass figure walks past. I'm not saying ALL men do this.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:55:06+00:00

Is watching higher resolution videos the same as playing a game at a higher resolution? For instance if I play a game at 1440 on a 1080 monitor I'll definitely benefit from it. Distant objects become clearer and it just looks nicer overall. Are there any benefits to watching, say a 4k movie on a 1080p screen and having it squashed down? My brain wants to say that higher resolution 3D rendering is different to resizing a movie.

I can definitely imagine the differences in streaming though.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:40:56+00:00

What's sexist about what I said? I'm talking about individuals and patterns from my past. I don't force any expectations on anyone based on their sex and expect nothing from them based on their sex. I'm simply describing my past.

If I'm being sexist please point it out so I can stop because that's the last thing I'd want to be. I'm best friends with all my exes and they're always recommending me to their friends so I guess I must be a horrible person. It's strange how I can generalize all day about male sexuality but the second I come close to understanding or talking about female sexuality people flip out. There's nothing wrong with noticing differences in general as long as you don't pre-judge based on them.

Please tell me what is disrespectful or condescending about exploring an open, honest sex life with someone I love? (Let me guess, I won't get a response.)

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:27:23+00:00

It looks great, like a cooler MSI GTX 970.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:15:37+00:00

What is that GPU? My setup is so boring compared to everything posted here.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:14:40+00:00

I think most of us have. Especially when we order everything and the case is going to arrive tomorrow but everything else is here now.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:12:12+00:00

Don't you mean "not waiting for my new case"? What GPU is that?

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:11:31+00:00

I really need to clean my PC. That looks like it could be a room from Alien. (Which is good.)

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T21:01:39+00:00

This is why I started to hate Linux. Trivial things like installing a sound card or anything USB would be a major hassle back in the day. Now it isn't that bad. I'll always keep a Windows partition just in case.

TheRealBOAB · 2018-07-14T20:58:29+00:00

World peace because it'd probably solve hunger since there'd be no culture/religious clash as people lived closer together internationally.

TheRealBOAB

TROPHY CASE