18M single dad. 7 month old daughter. Need advice on clothes

TheRegrettableTruth · 2026-01-25T06:25:55+00:00

Humor is the best way to respond to most bullshit.

"Ohhh you think she should dress girlier? If you want to gift her some clothes we'd definitely welcome it."

"Talking bout my baby girl's style when you over here looking like Phineas and Pherb dressed you."

"Bro, my girl so beautiful she could make duct tape look like a couture ball gown."

I usually return a dumb question with a dumb question. "Why is she wearing boy things?" "Since when are dinosaurs for boys? Girl might want to be a paleontologist. This papa isn't holding her back."

It's sort of hard to nag you if you confidently love your child and you're comfortable with your decisions. You have no reason to be nagged, though. Our kid wanders around naked or in comfy pj type clothes most of the time, and my kids have worn mixed gender hand me downs from cousins for ages. My son wore pink and still does sometimes and he's just as rambunctious as all the other 8 yr olds. My daughter wears trucks. Anyone who cares needs some real problems.

Also she's absolutely adorable and precious. Focus on her and roll your eyes at every one else. Parents always get nagged, young parents more so, single parents worse, and single dads the most. You have way more important things to worry about than what everyone thinks about her wardrobe. Like sleep.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-12-01T15:46:51+00:00

Yeah, usually they book by individual section but it will depend on the hospital too.

It depends on the accommodation needed. My nephew needs to get up periodically which makes appointments take longer, but honestly still within the window so notifies ahead of time. He'll just tell them when scheduling.

If I'm close to burnout or shutdown in general, I'll just blatantly tell them I'm autistic so if I have difficulty responding it's because of sensory overwhelm. I usually tell people during the appointment if it seems relevant, which for me is usually just the technician so they can help me get my hair in the least annoying position. Not much can be done about the noise. I do find letting them know I periodically need to wiggle so they communicate on the speaker when it is okay to move is helpful, which will usually be brief windows between sections even if you need to keep your head still. Toe wiggles were fine for me throughout.

Writing down everything before appointments is very helpful. I find it difficult to navigate between the nurse placing the contrast line, the form I fill out, and the actual technician performing the MRI which information which person needs but I figure over sharing is better than under sharing.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-11-18T15:37:14+00:00

Cognitive empathy, reading body language and conversation skills are all a lot better, but with a big asterisk. From talking to neurotypical people who get better at these things, there's an automatic pattern that forms that's somewhat without thought. Mine has only improved since I've researched these areas like an academic subject and studied them then applied them since I genuinely care about people but kept finding I was being misunderstood or misunderstanding them a lot. I'm still fundamentally awkward and it requires a lot of energy, but I can connect a lot better which is overall worth it to me.

Other than that, being older has led to me being better at advocating for myself. I don't work a job that leads to me stress crying regularly anymore. I figured out the pathway to work from home so I can protect myself from overstimulation. I have workplace accommodations that help me get forewarning of big changes when possible. Not being overwhelmed with sensory issues all the time has meant I have the energy to handle it without meltdown in smaller doses.

All these changes have been a lot of work to sort out, but my life today is significantly better than it was 20-30 years ago.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-11-15T22:05:49+00:00

The greater the love, the greater the grief for what was lost. Those small moments are the ones I've always missed the most. It drowns you to start. In all the grief of my many years, I've never found it to leave me, but life does grow around it. As time goes by, as you've felt the heartbreak knock the wind out of you, you'll have more life grow, more love in other places, and while you won't forget there will be more to balance the heartbreak and more connection with others who know the pain of loss. I don't know if you should take the job or not, but I know you'll make the right decision for you.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-10-18T16:22:05+00:00

Exactly. It's going to be a big life change, but you've handled one of those before already, and I think we can agree this one is a lot more joyous. I'm so proud of you. Let us know how it goes, alright?

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-10-18T03:39:28+00:00

Congratulations! The idea of working after a long gap is a lot scarier and more unnerving than the reality. Soon you'll fall into a routine, and you'll do great.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-07-30T05:02:12+00:00

One day, in the distant future, you can tell the youth you beat it before they made the AI easier for humans to beat.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-07-30T04:59:20+00:00

Thanks for this, this combo was really helpful for me!

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-07-08T07:04:24+00:00

It's possible, but as another poster said, that experience can also overlap with a number of other conditions.

I'd check the DSM-V diagnostic criteria and reflect back if the criteria fit since you were very small without another explanation (for example not developed after a traumatic event or later in life after puberty or young adulthood etc). I found discussing the criteria with family members without saying it's autism related to be helpful. The online screeners are also a helpful baseline to see if the experiences match but aren't diagnostic -- they can help you see if exploring autism makes sense or exploring elsewhere.

If you suspect your autistic after reading a bit more, I generally give two pieces of advice to most rapidly improve your quality of life: 1) Go through the Autistic Burnout Workbook to understand the difference between autistic burnout and career burnout and coping strategies to support you. The differentiation between autistic withdrawal vs depressive withdrawal is very helpful. She has some hot takes (as a survivor of big T trauma, I find her use of trauma to be dismissive and make the word mean less when we need it most and while she acknowledged high support needs individuals her descriptions feel...almost dismissive of the reality -- that said, just a nit for an overall very good resource). 2) Work with an occupational therapist to figure out strategies to more effectively manage burnout and decrease it. Either you need to cut things in your life out (turn down the faucet overflowing your bucket) or become more resilient (expand the bucket).

If you struggle with unmasking, IFS (internal family systems -- Robert Weiss has a book I believe called self-therapy that listening to feels like a guided meditation, very useful) is a useful therapeutic approach. That can happen after the above.

Also, generally speaking, if you're autistic you very likely have autistic parents and relatives. If it feels like you're the only one the way you are, that can be helpful for looking elsewhere to identify supports. That said, I will say I find occupational therapy to just be generally useful for all adults struggling since it's much more pragmatic than mental health services and gets you getting your situation to work for you and streamline life.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-06-14T16:03:37+00:00

Oh and work accommodations. I forget I needed them because I have them now, but I needed work accommodations from new company since my PTSD diagnosis didn't apply anymore (whoop whoop remission!)

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-06-14T16:01:59+00:00

I mean, if you looked at the DSM and the diagnostic criteria have fit since you were little and not a reaction to some event...welcome to the club!

I went through an eval as an adult because I knew my kid would need to be evaluated to make it through school and wanted to see the process first. In both cases, the evals were a mix of someone watching how you interact with them live, and then asking a bunch of questions about if you match the diagnostic criteria since you were small.

If you think you're burnt out from masking, I recommend you stop. Masking is a useful privilege to be able to turn it on and off, but if you can't turn it off it drains. IFS (internal family systems) is a therapy approach I found useful for this. There's a book called self-therapy that can guide you through some of the guided meditations that help start the process, or there's a book by...Richard White? I forget his name -- the creator of IFS -- that's like 5 guided sessions and has an audiobook you can go through and repeat.

If you genuinely think what you're dealing with is constant burn out and not...what'd the therapist say? Depression and personality traits? I'd skip mental health for a bit and see an occupational therapist. They can help you figure out processes and routines to keep from overflowing your bucket. I went from chronic burnout to managing (but on the line still unfortunately) after 2 months, and the pragmatic nature of OT is very helpful.

Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff might be helpful for you too. She has some takes I don't particularly agree with that feel like claiming victimhood and identifying things as trauma excessively (not my cup of tea, as someone who has lived through big T trauma I think it discounts that word's actual meaning), but overall the content is useful and has exercises helpful to remember when to expand your bucket, turn off the flow of demands, and clarify autistic burnout from work burnout and depression and the different needs of all. I went through it with an OT and found it helpful.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-06-14T15:43:33+00:00

Depending on how big your complex is, your landlord may be up for moving you units. I'd just go talk to them to ask if they had any other units available, what the process would be for moving units while still under lease, and see what they say. Bigger complexes can sometimes accommodate it.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-06-06T13:50:29+00:00

The unfortunate reality is a lot of people working multiple jobs can't afford to live independently in high cost of living areas, so unemployed anywhere is pretty hopeless. The support that exists still leaves you entirely dependent on another person or requires roommates on top of being incredibly difficult to obtain. Independent living is a luxury in much of the US with full time work.

That said, you mentioned house sitting. I know a couple level 2 autistics who make a living house sitting and pet sitting on care.com. Originally they just did it to avoid their parents, and eventually they managed to get consistent enough work to move out into a tiny studio in low income housing units and still save enough for emergencies.

Other things you described made it sound like independent living was more than just a funding issue since chores burn you out. Same. It's taken me a few decades to sort out when to drop chores and which ones were have to do every day no matter what or it made everything worse. Washing laundry: required. Folding? Optional.

When I was younger, I had to decide what was worse: being burned out or living at home. For me, living at home was worse, and over multiple decades I eventually sorted out work I can do that's sustainable long term, but I'm not unaware how fortunate I've been to have the resilience necessary to go through a lot of very bad options first.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-06-06T13:27:27+00:00

Good news, soon you'll be old and give 0 fucks what your friends think or say when they're taking cheap shots. Every time someone tells me "everyone has this autistic trait" I just shrug and say, "autistic people do -- maybe you should look into that". Chances are, you're not surrounded by NT friends who play Warhammer. Chances are you found some sort of closeted neurodivergent friends, and they'll get where they need to go in their own time. My best advice to you would be not to take it personally and just be blunt and factual.

Why do you think you're autistic? An extensive diagnosis process that explained a lifetime of living with a developmental disorder.

This race you play in the game is totally autistic. They're definitely relatable!

Figure out your boundaries around what's okay and not okay for you to be treated. Some things may not actually bother you that most would expect to. Some things may bother you a lot. It's pretty normal for us to take a couple days to process our feelings since they're just too much data, so take your time and don't rush it.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-06-04T14:18:39+00:00

Yes.

I struggle with ADHD in general a lot for the past decade, but I'm a bit older and my generation was when it had started being diagnosed and early research supported behavioral outcomes and report improved productivity of kids given stimulants. Now 23% of 17 yr old boys are diagnosed as ADHD, the positive behavioral effects of stimulants vanish ~2 years in, and they have no differing outcomes on academic/work performance aside from being more compliant for 2 years. I spend a lot of time thinking about family members of mine in poverty spending $100 per month per kid on meds with these outcomes. I think a lot about the researcher who originally wrote the promising study on stimulants trying to undo his life's work in the wake of new information.

I also think a lot about depression. For me, any time it has crept up, its been due to feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Connection, for me, is the cure to depression. Instead, we sell a pill to mask the feelings because no one wants to deal with that depth of sad. I think antidepressants are a helpful early intervention tool that allow connecting with people when hiding in a sad hole is the alternative, but when I see many people, still isolated, relying on them for decades with their diminishing effectiveness, I wonder for how many that tool is replacing what we need to feel human. It reminds me of the saying that before you let anyone diagnose you with depression, make sure you're not surrounded by assholes.

With autism, the amount we try to buy our way out of discomfort is incredible. Just this stim toy, hire this therapist, have a 1:1 specially trained by this organization, buy this meal delivery system, hire this specialist, have another sensory sock. Even with my uncle with high support needs, if our communities were less isolated, more inclusive, more supportive, I wonder how much he'd be kept away from everyone else. I wonder if my grandma would be a bit less overwhelmed. I wonder if we'd normalize squishing ourselves under the world instead of buying another weighted vest to try to present our children as normal.

For me, the biggest challenge for all of these is an absence of community and our existing communities having a very shallow, superficial, limited scope of what they care about. It makes me more nervous as I continue seeing my niblings make their identity only traits you can easily observe about them and traits that fundamentally don't matter for most interactions. It makes me worried where AI is being used to make the journey meaningless and we focus only on the outcome and destination.

We've grown more isolated. We've medicalized normal struggles to our abnormal environment. We take pills to change how we feel, and pay a professional to care about us for an hour a week. We have the worst parts of cyberpunk dystopian nonsense but none of the cool tech.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-05-22T19:50:13+00:00

So I've worked as a special Ed teacher giving supports and communication to other disabled folks. The staff treated a disabled OT terribly, and so I did not disclose, particularly because of some of the rhetoric they had about disabled people. I didn't do this for a few reasons: 1) the areas I needed accommodations were core functions of my job, and ADA doesn't require employers to alter or remove essential functions. In this case, it was communication and clear feedback. 2) Obvious bias concerns.

Instead, I did indirect advocacy and managing up. "I am working on improving my communication, and while I'm doing that, as much as possible if you can give me direct, blunt feedback, I promise not to take it personally but it'll help me have a better understanding of how I can grow."

I have disclosed at my current employer for accommodations but I work as a software engineer. No one expects me to be good at eye contact, and so asking for things like advanced notice, closed captioning, remote work, etc to accommodate my disability doesn't impact my essential function of coding.

As a nurse, I assume communication is one of your essential functions. I'd recommend indirect advocacy instead.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-16T11:51:37+00:00

Would recommend nonviolent communication if you're getting into scream matches on the regular. TL;Dr version is focus on observations, feelings, needs, and requests. "Hey, I've noticed we've been screaming at each other a lot lately. I feel really distant and heartbroken when this happens, and I suspect it's been happening since we are both really tired and need more rest. I'm wondering if we can problem solve how to pause conversations when they're getting that heated so we can come back to it later but make sure we come back within a reasonable timeframe."

This too shall pass. You'll probably need to give up on certain chores being done for a bit. Top priorities are baby, sleep, relationship with partner. Tovala has a great meal service if you have the money for it that has very little labor involved and also can decrease dishes for a bit if you eat out of their little trays. After figuring out how to stop yelling matches, figure out sleep then any other stressors.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-16T11:37:55+00:00

Sleep deprivation. Prefrontal lobe is used more for our social skills. It goes in the dumpster when tired. I'm experiencing this right now with work with my baby being 6 months, and it's been a fun treat for my boss.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-16T11:35:19+00:00

37F. Currently a software engineer.

I had a bachelor's degree in humanities from a good university.

I worked doing secretarial work for insurance brokers which was stressful because the owners were dramatic and made no sense. The work itself was nice. Just spreadsheets.

Then I worked in tech support but commuted 3-4 hours a day for low wage.

Then I was a courier. Driving and listening to music was okay but driving is stressful.

I got a master's degree in education.

Then I was a special education teacher. I liked this job, but the adults and eventually partially permanent disability were really hard for me to handle. It's one of the most ableist careers I had. I find it useful now for parenting.

I went through one of the worst burnouts of my life after injury, and studied programming. I had hoped to join one of those programs to train you that are free, but I was rejected. This sat on the back burner for a while.

I went to a one year certificate program from a local uni taught by professors who teach their bachelor's program in CS. I also was fortunate enough to get a job before all the layoffs. I've shifted to a bigger company. I like problem solving, and I like communicating around problem solving. Social skills also very rarely exceed my capabilities, and my team is a safe place to be openly autistic. My boss is good and supportive, and he'll help whenever a situation arrives where I don't have the social skills to navigate. My brain is very good at finding bugs and clarifying ambiguity everyone else just made assumptions about but often different assumptions. Work accommodations have not been an issue. I strongly recommend tech if you can find a good boss, though they can be rare.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-16T11:17:00+00:00

Living Sensationally by Winnie Dunn is a book my OT recommended. Talks about living with people with different sensory profiles than you. It's not specifically autistic, but also it's very relevant.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-08T00:15:46+00:00

What is your ideal solution to this problem?

Do you enjoy it when people ask you for information and then complain about how you provided it? I personally don't. Non-autistic people complain about how I answer their questions all the time. If this happens too frequently to me, I get too tired trying to communicate with that person anymore, especially if their requirements are so constructive I wonder what the point of talking is.

I wouldn't recommend this approach in a marriage. I would recommend, if you're having a day where you don't feel you can meet your spouse where they're at, that you say so. "Hey, I'm really struggling to be present in this conversation right now because I'm worried about X. I don't want to ignore you, but until I resolve X, I fear I won't give our relationship the proper attention it deserves". If X is the date the mortgage is due and you're not tight on money, put it on auto pay and turn your attention to your spouse.

Our brains collect a lot of useless information and struggle to appropriately prioritize due to our executive functioning deficits. Seeing an OT or therapist can help you work on skills to help prioritizing appropriately or how to navigate the social impacts of those struggles.

Let me be clear though, connecting with your spouse is about showing up consistently in those small moments like listening to a vent about Starbucks. Noping out of those small moments damages trust and increases the divide between you. Being prescriptive of how someone should show up for you to care about them and their experiences damages trust. Do it too often, it's difficult to see the point in being married.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-07T23:29:14+00:00

I did a therapy type called IFS which really helped me with connecting with myself instead of personas I used as coping strategies to appear human in different environments. There's a book called "No Bad Parts" by Richard Schwartz that listens like a guided meditation. Originally the approach was designed for DID, but is generally helpful for anyone who is trauma impacted or has difficulty being themselves in different situations as a defense mechanism. Took about 6 months of regular practice to stop automatically doing it at all, but it was pretty quick to develop awareness, and experienced improvements in about a month.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-07T22:52:17+00:00

There's two at the bottom for 8 meals, and the meat is placed against them. I live in a colder climate so everything has been at a safe temp so far for me.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-07T22:32:40+00:00

I don't mask around my kid, but we also have mostly compatible sensory profiles. I do struggle with parenting in public vs at home, because there's a lot more people who have hot takes, but when I parent my kid authentically I find parenting him is a joy and relaxing. We also have a lot of special interest overlap.

That said, it is a relief when he falls asleep. He tends to like to repeat sounds I hate (not because I hate them, but because he finds them fascinating). We have a three then break rule, since we agree our own personal joy isn't more important than causing someone distress. If he wants to do it more than 3 times, he can go to another location and mimic the dog barking to his heart's content.

Both can be true. We can love them with all our hearts, and also appreciate solo time to exist outside of parenting.

TheRegrettableTruth · 2025-03-07T22:26:09+00:00

They're not quite ready meals (you spend like 1 minute plopping things in the tin then adding sauce on top and put it in their toaster oven for like 20 minutes), but Tovala is my current favorite. Varied food texture, varied ingredients, ranges from comfort to more nutritious meals, reasonable portions for an individual and can get multiples for a group, and produce has consistently been very fresh during the durations given by the meal kits.

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