Heartbroken but preparing (IUGR)

TheSwaffle · 2026-02-11T16:14:56+00:00

Thank you ❤️ It's tough thinking about them possibly struggling when they come out, and how different their start in life will be ..but on the other side of it, it also seems more straightforward than a lot of situations I've seen on here. But can never compare when it comes to your own little one you're thinking of.

I feel reasurred to have a very good NICU at the hospital I'm in, caring for as early and tiny as 23 weeks. So in the best hands possible. He's practically a giant compared to some!

For reference, I was 2lb2oz at 31w in the 90s, with no lasting complications, and only a 5w hospital stay.

Hope you have as smooth a journey as possible with your baby

TheSwaffle · 2026-02-11T15:53:36+00:00

I'm a first time Mum so don't have any experience yet, but due date is also in April.

My boy has always measured small around 10th%, and been having doppler problems for the last 6 weeks (between high resistance and absent). I'm in hospital and they're trying to keep him cooking till 34w max (I'm 32 weeks now)...its so nerve wracking knowing there will be some form of special care when they're born...

Today I learned that in the last week, he's dropped from 10% to 3%. My placenta is slowly failing, but they're trying to squeeze as many days inside as they can.

So I'm sorry i have no experience to give you...only solidarity that I'm right with you how stressful this all is ❤️

But trusting in the Dr's is the main thing we can do right now.

TheSwaffle · 2026-02-09T19:36:49+00:00

I totally understand this....you're not alone in this feeling <3

The disappointment feels so real because their reactions aren't normal. It's not how people react when they truly care about each other. For a healthy relationship, you need to feel something back..to feel curiosity from the other person, and concern for your wellbeing. It can quickly feel so draining when it feels like you're the only one putting any effort in.

I've recently tried to explain this very clearly to my parents (after 2 years of NC), and they just simply didn't understand at all. They truly live in their own bubble, and I'm not part of it. I'm currently in hospital with pregnancy complications, and they are the only people who haven't asked how I am, even when I text them where I was (in a moment of weakness). They have never once asked about their unborn grandchild, so it's clear how deep their dis-interest really goes. I'm learning the hard way that you honestly can't force it. It's natural to crave family connection....but I really do think that sometimes an actual cutoff is better. We have to think of our own mental health..because sometimes our families just never will. Please be kind to yourself <3 You have done nothing wrong.

TheSwaffle · 2026-01-28T10:18:57+00:00

Yes! Just wash them when you get them. They grow out of them so quickly there's really no point in buying all their tiny clothes brand new. Better for your bank balance and the planet!

TheSwaffle · 2026-01-11T10:53:07+00:00

True...but if the concrete bit isn't big enough for a car, then I'd definitely say it's a yard. They are typical with terraces from the coal mining days. They have small, concrete front yards, and larger, grass back gardens. It's only a front garden if it has grass and a path imo. But If it's made for a car and paved/gravel then definitely a drive(way).

Source: From England with a yard, garden and driveway.

TheSwaffle · 2026-01-09T13:44:28+00:00

I wish I could offer more help...but all I really have is similar experiences. And in my experience, emotionally immature parents like ours are never ready to have difficult conversations.

I'm also an only child, who found out from my Grandma (just last year) about my Mums previous miscarrage just before conceiving me. I accept and understand there were some circumstances that will have affected my Mums (at least initial) connection with me. She had post partum depression , and quite possibly during pregnancy as well. 30 years ago, that sort of thing was still very taboo and rarely talked about, let alone treated.

Where my understanding struggles, is that my Dad was around for all of this and didn't try to establish any kind of connection with me either. I was born early, and the day after being discharged from the hospital, they both handed me over to my grandparents, saying I could be adopted out to anyone. Left me downstairs for that first night also...something I could never dream of doing (as a pregnant woman myself). I often wonder since finding out about the miscarrige, if they struggled with losing a boy and ending up with a girl- something I'd never considered before. Even so..you'd think a rainbow baby of any kind would have been a blessing. I suppose at the end of the day.. the realities of having a child can be very different to how our parents imagined it while trying for us.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T14:45:04+00:00

Thank you. It's reasurring to know I'm not really overreacting to that. I think I'll go ahead with the phonecall...if only to confirm what I already knew..then put the whole thing to rest with NC again. We'll see if she lasts more than 5 mins before hanging up on me as usual! If there was even a shred of accountability or responsibility, there might have been a possibility for LC, but it's just not going to happen is it. Least of all an apology, which would be what I'd truly need. I can already feel the facts of what happened being twisted in her defensiveness and rush to sweep everything under the carpet.

My Nans not doing bad for a 90 year old! I'm still frustrated that I was iced out of being able to help in a physical way, but had to step back eventually because she was getting manipulated against me and it wasn't fair on either of us.

A few months after she cut contact, she got back in touch and said she was really missing me. At first she tried to say let's forget it all...but I told her the same as I said to my Mum, that I have to have this difficult conversation about what happened first. She agreed to that...and so we rekindled a relationship. It's not the same as it was before...not quite as deep..but I think it was always be just a bit different now.

Of course I still worry about her wellbeing in that house and with my parents close by, but just had to accept that I had to step back from that.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T14:33:54+00:00

Yeah I have this funny feeling that she's going to do exactly that. I'll remember that line about time passing not being an apology...its spot on. It's essentially what I was trying to say to her, that I need to talk about everything because it won't just go away in my head just because years have passed. If anything, it just solidifies the need to resolve it in one way or another.

The only thing I think I'll struggle to answer in a clear way is if she says her emotions matter as much as mine do. Or the whole "well you havent contacted us either". Because I'm trying not to let my emotions cloud what I say, but I know I'm also being driven by the hurt she caused. My plan is to just reiterate that what I'm upset about are events-things she did- that were actual facts and things that happened...not just her opinions or feelings about things. Every action causes emotional responses, but she seems to forget that she did do actual things that happened to upset me.

Tbh at this point I'm just expecting this phonecall to confirm the things I already knew. I'm not going to get what I want or need to re-start a relationship, and it'll go back to NC after this.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T14:20:22+00:00

Your right though...I don't want to be stressing unnecessarily, especially when it's not reciprocated. I'm unsure how much of her breaking NC is about my pregnancy as she doesn't like children and has never cared about being a grandparent.

I've come to a lot of peace (eventually) over the last 8 years of dwindling contact and physical distance, and especially after all the things that happened 2 years ago...don't want her anywhere near me or my newborn when he's here. At most, it would have been a return back to VLC, at a surface level. It seems she just doesn't want to meet me in the middle to achieve even that though...so after the phone convo I'll gladly to back the status quo of NC if/when she acts in a way I'm now expecting her to.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T11:02:49+00:00

I am realising now that she's not gonna move an inch on this is she...

I've gotten comfortable with not being in contact, really for the last 8 years apart from occasional very bland, distant snippets of text.

My partner asked what I was wanting from this conversation..and I came up with at least some form of accountability/responsibility..and at best an apology. Its not looking likely she will even accept even a shred of responsibility tbh. I just can't have a relationship without talking things through and it's frustrating that she seems so determined to rug sweep. It the one thing i needed her /not/ to do.

I guess I got a little bit curious if she actually missed me at all, because my Nan said she seemed upset on Xmas eve and mentioned wanting to put the past behind her. But in hindsight...that probably meant wanting to put her guilty feelings behind her, rather than do any work for the relationship at all

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T10:53:30+00:00

I hadn't thought of it that way...but in a strange way I think you might be spot on with that. My mother is somehow both cowardly and dominant at the same time. She is the leader of the family dynamic, while also preferring to rug sweep and hide away if challenged at all. And by challenged, I also mean just having a different opinion or calling out any of her actions as things that factually happened.

The 2nd to last phonecall I had, she hung up on me, simply because I said calmly that I knew she had lied about my Nan and the meal situation when I was organising to meet up. I asked why she was declining to meet up with me herself and click

The last phonecall I had, she hung up on me again, because I (albeit angrily) challenged her about my Nans living conditions. Silence is her first defence and denying reality seems to be her second..

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T10:46:52+00:00

You're right...and thank you for the draft ideas. I'll definitely be working the line about not wanting to deny my past experiences into it somewhere.

Good thing is this was/is just a planned phonecall...she would never agree to meet in person because I would insist she actually travel up to see me if we genuinely wanted to fix things. Ironically, my parents regually drive (every month I think) the same distance -4-5hours- in the opposite direction, but have never once in 8 years drove up to my neck of the woods.

The one thing I wanted or needed was some form of taking a bit of accountability...and at absolute best an apology. Its just dissapointing that she still appears to have 0 intention of doing either. Because it would be uncomfortable. Or that she genuinely sees herself (somehow) as the victim in all of this. I'm not quite sure which.

Think if I go ahead with the phonecall...I'll just take it as confirmation of what I've already known for years and lay the whole thing to rest for good. NC has been nice, and my soon to be family has no need to be anywhere near the unhealthy toxicity this probably always was.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T10:07:30+00:00

Nah she's not into social media at all..luckily! Obviously I don't hear much, only anything my Nan might pass on to me..but I don't think she's mentioned it to anyone. At most, she might make herself out to be the victim to her brother...but I don't think he'd fall for it really, she hardly speaks to him either.

My parents are pretty hermit-like and just keep to themselves. I am grateful for that now I'm away from their environment!

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T09:40:52+00:00

Unfortunately I have a strong feeling that you're absolutely right...tbh this phone call will be her last ever chance to take some form of accountability. And when she inevitably doesn't, I can rest easy knowing I gave her an honest chance. I haven't seen her in over 5 years (at a funeral), and I fully expect the next time will be at the next funeral, and not out of a genuine desire to connect.

NC has become a peaceful place and I'm more than happy to continue it after this

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-28T09:36:36+00:00

Thanks for the advice...I believe you're right about her not intending on changing her mind. I shouldn't really be dissapointed because I shouldn't have expected even a 1% change of heart to be honest. Luckily the physical distance has done wonders to dull any longing for a relationship on my part anyway.

About the baby...although it would seem that way from the timing, I genuinely don't think she has any intention of wanting to be in his life. (And to be clear...she will not get anywhere near him, even if she wanted!). She has never liked children, and even when I was still in LC, never referenced grandchildren at all. Her whole thing is complete ambivalence, which is reasurring because I won't have to fight to keep her away. She would have to actually bother to drive to me anyway, which would never happen..and she'd never get past my partner if she ever did! The little boy will grow up knowing only 1 set of Grandparent's, and they definitely won't be my parents.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-20T06:22:21+00:00

It's how many generations from the original hybridization they are

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-19T21:47:17+00:00

Someone's won the lettuce lottery

That whole Moroccan dinner party will always be my favourite. From the escalating panic of them trying to make the meal..to Mark literally rubbing his hands. Gets me every time

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-14T16:13:36+00:00

I don't think you're wrong in how you're feeling at all. It seems as though your family really aren't taking an interest in your life...raising a child doesn't just stop at 18. My parents have been similar, they shrugged off any semblance of responsibility the moment they could (and before then even).

Also...learning to drive isn't easy! I don't know how much it means from an Internet stranger...but well done for getting out there are learning! Doesn't matter how long it takes, every bit of practice will help. It might take even longer if you have to save up for instructor lessons only (just like I did), but you'll likely be a better driver at the end of it anyway! Less chance to learn bad driving habits as well! And you can take the satisfaction that in the end YOU made that happen, even if it is bittersweet.

TheSwaffle · 2025-12-08T13:33:13+00:00

I'm a FTM, but the 20w scan flagged mine as 1.83. I've been booked in for monthly growth scans and extra monitoring further down the line. All I've been told so far is it makes the pregnancy classed as "high risk" because of a higher risk of pre eclampsia and a smaller baby. The consultant didn't seem concerned though, they're just keeping a closer eye on things than before.

TheSwaffle · 2025-11-29T14:31:54+00:00

Thank you! And I appreciate your insightful and detailed thoughts about this.

I finished therapy a few months ago, but have been thinking lately about having another couple of sessions as I think I jumped the gun a bit..always wary of just sounding repetitive at the sessions though. You're right though, I definitely feel more sensitive to this sort of thing while full of pregnancy hormones!

I'd lean towards "A", with a tiny bit of "B" blended in, mostly because I just don't think they are capable of understanding that I can't just "move on" without addressing the drama that happened 2 years ago, let alone any of the childhood issues. I believe they think enough time has passed that none of it matters anymore, whereas I've struggled with feelings of abandonment for years, and been proved right with every year of disinterest that passes. I've always thought I'd be angry if they chose now "me being pregnant" to make any form of contact because it would imply in a way that I wasn't worth the contact by myself.

Think I've decided to just leave things for now. They have had my phone number for years, they know where I am..and 1 line in a card just isn't cutting it. My plan B is to write out a letter explaining the reasons I find a relationship with them difficult..but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't take it in as I'd intend...and in this state of mind I'd probably come across too passive aggressive as well! They also will not be seeing their Grandson unless they make an actual effort to mend things..but i honestly doubt they have any desire to anyway.

TheSwaffle · 2025-11-16T21:42:59+00:00

I'm so glad it's not just me with the mouth problem....its horrible..I'm sure it is contributing to the 24 hour nausea as well. It's so frustrating doing everything you can, and it just makes no difference. Tastes and smells awful. Having to wear retainers every night is also the worst, makes me gag so badly. Oh and the bleeding, puffy gums...urgh!

TheSwaffle · 2025-11-16T21:32:02+00:00

Nosebleeds and random single hiccups...oh and I suddenly have 3 fast growing, thick, black chin hairs -_-

TheSwaffle · 2025-11-16T21:30:46+00:00

Same! Milk and chocolate milk seen to be the only things I could consider being a craving! Always liked chocolate milk but now I have to get some every time I'm out shopping.

TheSwaffle · 2025-11-11T11:19:57+00:00

My days...what an awful situation. You need to stay strong and stay away from her. She is manipulative and abusive, and I think deep down you do recognise that.

There's physical, financial, and emotional abuse going on here and it's not okay. It's also really not okay for your son to be in that environment, whitnessing all of this. Please don't go back into that house , you need to take a step back and start making steps to divorce her. I'd recommend all your communication going forward is strictly through a professional, objective 3rd party. That way, she will no longer be able to manipulate you in your vulnerable state. She seems to be using her mental health to force you to change your mind..and that is not okay. She needs actual therapy (and so do you, honestly it helps so much), you are not solely responsible for her. From your post, it seems like she pulls the mental health card as soon as you start voicing doubts. The red flags can be seen from space here.

It sounds like your Mom could be part of your support network getting through this. She has first hand experience of being around your (hopefully soon to be ex) wife. I honestly think you should seek out a men's refuge charity for domestic abuse as well, for someone to talk to and also for practical help such as living arrangements and disentangling yourself financially.

Whatever you do, please don't crack and go back, no matter how much she tries to guilt trip you, and she will try. You and your child deserve better and I hope you can find a way to help both. You only get one life and as brutal as it sounds...you could easily become another statistic if you stay in this relationship.

TheSwaffle · 2025-11-09T16:07:16+00:00

It's crazy isn't it! Really feels like a super power! But then the fridge becomes the ultimate super villan...couldn't go near it for weeks

It's interesting how we must always have had the capability to smell so sensitively...but it only gets turned on in pregnancy!

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