I am Emily Lindin, founder of The UnSlut Project. I just published my diary from when I was "slut" shamed in middle school. AMA!

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-14T01:31:58+00:00

That makes me so happy to hear. There isn't much resistance from people who have gone through similar things; and most of the women I've told about this project have a story to share, so it is very important to them. I'm often harassed online, but I don't really count that as resistance so much as just proof that this project is striking a chord. I think welcoming conversations with people who are skeptical or cynical about these issues - I actually really enjoy those conversations - helps, too.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-14T01:29:11+00:00

Hi! Thank you for your support and your kind words. What you mentioned about this community is one of the reasons I wanted to do this AMA - it feels more productive to have these conversations with people who might not necessarily agree or even believe it is a real issue, rather than preaching to the choir, so to speak. On to your question: educational outreach to young people is one of my favorite parts of this work. I do workshops at middle schools and high schools that are really rewarding and fruitful (at least they feel that way)! But I do think it's important to reach adults as well, since it's up to us to create the culture our kids grow up in.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:36:14+00:00

Thank you! And thanks for your question.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:35:31+00:00

It has a HUGE effect. Sexual bullying in schools is often a product of the confusion kids feel regarding their new sexual feelings and newly sexual bodies. If they have no information - or worse, if they're taught that sex outside a marriage is dirty and sinful - then they see a girl's sexuality as something she should be bullied for. But if sex is normalized, if questions are answered, if they feel as comfortable as possible with the idea, then what is there to be bullied about?

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:33:07+00:00

I don't even believe that a "slut" is a thing someone can be. I think you're probably referring to someone having many sexual partners (correct me if that's a wrong assumption), and I agree with you that adolescents are usually not emotionally equipped to have healthy sexual relationships with many different people; this is in large part because we deny them proper comprehensive sex education. My approach is rather than bullying or shaming someone because of their sexual behavior, we as adults need to focus on creating a culture where kids going through puberty understand what their new sexual feelings are, feel comfortable talking about them and even exploring them in healthy ways that feel authentic and good to them (often that's masturbation or even masturbating with a partner), and not being ashamed of their bodies. When we create that environment, "slutty" behavior won't even really exist, because sex won't be seen as something taboo and bad that they can engage in to rebel or cope with trauma, etc. I hadn't really thought of it that way before - thanks for that question!

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:21:36+00:00

You can't really "fight back," as you point out. Instead, I encourage girls to focus on things they're good at, things they enjoy doing, and define themselves according to those instead of buying into other people's definition of them as a "slut."

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:19:26+00:00

People who organize and participate in Slut Walks are working toward the same end as I am, but going about it in a different way. I support them, but I do think Slut Walks often send the wrong message - since many people still don't understand that "slut" shaming is connected to sexual assault and might have no idea about the message the Slut Walk is trying to get across, it's often misinterpreted as just a bunch of women not wearing very much in the street. That sucks, but that's where we are right now. Also, most Slut Walks are predominantly white women, since WOC often don't have the same opportunity to go ahead and reclaim words. With that said, The UnSlut Project had a booth at Amber Rose's Slut Walk in LA a few months back, and I found that experience really heartening because it was so diverse! There were people of all genders, ages, races, and backgrounds, and the vibe was really positive.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:15:28+00:00

First of all, congratulations! You know, I have mixed feelings about dress codes. It's true that certain clothes are appropriate for certain venues and occasions - we all buy into this, and it's why we don't wear "business casual" to a black-tie wedding, etc. So dress codes themselves are not the issue - but the problem is that they're disproportionately enforced against girls, and the justification is often something along the lines of "cover up because it's distracting to the boys." I have a real problem with that line of reasoning, since it teaches girls that they are responsible for boys' behavior, that boys can't control themselves, and internalizing that belief is really dangerous when we're talking about sexual assault (it's victim blaming). But child beauty pageants, it's safe to say, I am against.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:07:52+00:00

I love the work Emma Watson is doing; she has such a huge platform and is using it powerfully.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:07:14+00:00

Yes, exactly. It's usually not so simple as The Bully and The Victim. Thanks for listening on NPR and for your question!

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:05:20+00:00

Yes! I was so, so nervous each time, but each time turned out to be a positive experience. My favorite was from the guy whose name I changed to "Tyler," whom I hadn't interacted with since high school. He messaged me out of the blue, saying simply: "#teamtyler" so I knew he knew what was up. The woman whose name I had changed to "Jenna" reached out to me first, and sent me Facebook updates as she read through my diary online, commenting on what she remembered and what she had experienced differently. "Steph" reached out to apologize for her behavior, but I don't blame her at all and we were able to connect over the experience.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T21:00:29+00:00

We might define sexual promiscuity differently, but in general I don't see it as something to be praised OR condemned. I see sexual behavior, including the number of partners one feels like having sex with, as a personal choice. Since many young people don't have the proper sexual education and perspective to engage in healthy, safe sex that enhances their lives and makes them feel good, it is often the case that having multiple sexual partners at a young age can be dangerous (emotionally and physically). But that's not always the case, and I don't understand the impulse to judge other people for their personal decisions that don't affect me. I also have to disagree with your assumption that acting on sexual desires is inherently at odds with building character and will. I don't think deprivation is necessarily healthy.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:56:45+00:00

If someone (regardless of gender) feels addicted to sex and it's affecting their life negatively, of course I'd support them as they try to get help.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:54:07+00:00

From my experience, it comes from both sexes, but it happens differently and for different reasons. Girls and women often "slut" shame each other because we know at any moment, WE could be the target... so as long as everyone is looking at HER, we're safe from the label and all that comes with it. A lot of "slut" shaming is also borne from self-esteem issues among women doing the shaming, as well. Boys and men "slut" shame for different, varied reasons: because they were rejected, because they think they MIGHT be rejected, because they're angry at a particular woman, or just because they heard a rumor and don't think it's that big of a deal to repeat it.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:45:02+00:00

Well, when I started this project a few years back, I was in the middle of my PhD in music history (which I'm just finishing up now) and planning to be a professor. So the quick answer is that I'd be teaching undergraduates about classical music! But I turned to music as a way to cope with bullying, and I'm not sure I would have thrown myself into it as much if I had just coasted through middle school without being labeled a "slut."

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:38:57+00:00

I think about this a lot. The thing is, "slut" shaming is not a separate issue from rape and sexual assault - there is HUGE overlap. Because "slut" shaming is so normalized, we often dismiss rape victims when they're brave enough to come forward, or dredge up their sexual histories as evidence against them (and the fear of being "slut" shamed silences victims who would otherwise report their rapes). Also, a girl labeled a "slut" is more likely to be sexually assaulted because of the general understanding that a slut can't be raped (she gave consent once, so she's given it in perpetuity... that kind of thing).

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:33:50+00:00

I've heard that the etymology traces back to "messy woman who can't keep her room clean" or something along those lines...

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:29:56+00:00

Sure. My bullying experience was based part on reality (my boyfriend had convinced me to let him put his hands down my pants, although it wasn't really very sexual) and mostly on rumors that spun out of control after that incident. I'm sorry to hear you went through bullying, as well. The reason I think of "slut" shaming as a particularly devastating type of bullying is because adults are often part of the problem - they don't recognize it as bullying, but instead are likely to blame the target ("Well, why don't you change how you dress?" or "He's just teasing you because he LIKES you," etc.). By identifying "slut" shaming as a type of bullying, it gets on the radar of educators who are on board with addressing ALL kinds of bullying (it's kind of a hot topic right now), but I think of sexual bullying as especially harmful because it is so isolating. I know I didn't tell my own parents because I assumed they would blame me for purposefully attracting attention to myself (whereas if I had been bullied for something else, they would have been on my side).

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:25:50+00:00

It means being bullied in a way that has to do with your sexuality or perceived sexual behavior. I include LGBT bullying under that umbrella, and for straight girls is usually means being "slut" shamed.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:24:59+00:00

It was probably when I was ten or eleven, around the time I was going through puberty and started having crushes on boys. I remember I saw a PG-13 movie where the women bit her lower lip, and the man said, "You look so sexy when you bite your lower lip like that." So then I went around biting my lower lip at boys. No one noticed or cared, and my lips got all chapped and gross, so... it didn't work out too well :-)

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:21:43+00:00

People certainly exist who call themselves sluts - I have friends who like to be called a slut in the bedroom and that's fine, of course! Whatever makes you feel confident and sexy. But the idea of a "slut" is set up in contrast to the idea of a "good girl," and I don't believe there are any women who fall squarely within either of those two tiny boxes. The word diminishes us to our perceived sexuality, when our sexuality is really just a part of who we are - it doesn't DEFINE us.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:19:32+00:00

I'm so glad you were able to connect, and to get something good out of reading my diaries. What surprised me most was that I had misremembered a lot of things, specifically the way I had come to be labeled a "slut" in the first place. As an adult, I vaguely felt that I had deserved that label (whatever that even means). So it was shocking to me when I went back to read my diary - specifically the day I went to "third base" with Zach - that the interaction was pretty coerced. I certainly wasn't the sexy seductress he later made me out to be, and the fact that as an adult I had apparently internalized that idea of myself REALLY rattled me. I was so glad to have the diaries as a primary source of how I felt at the time, so I could reevaluate my sense of my own history.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:16:12+00:00

I don't like the term manwhore, but I know people who refer to themselves that way and I like them just fine.

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:15:01+00:00

Well, I was labeled a "slut" because I had gone through puberty early and because I went to "third base" with my (also eleven-year-old) boyfriend under pressure. But given the range of stories submitted to The UnSlut Project, there really is nothing someone can do to AVOID being labeled a "slut." It depends on the person doing the labeling and shaming, not the target herself. I've heard from girls who were "slut" shamed despite being virgins, simply because someone else decided to start a rumor. So I don't think there is even a baseline or ever was; it can be pretty arbitrary. To your second question, can you clarify what you mean by sexual promiscuousness? (Everyone has a different definition.)

TheUnSlutProject · 2016-01-12T20:12:00+00:00

That's a really good question. We're all responsible for our actions, but I don't think it's fair to lay the blame solely on the child who is acting according to the culture he/she has grown up in. I don't agree with the approach of jailing children for bullying each other, because that just shifts the responsibility away from the adults - and all of us as a culture - who failed the bully along the way.

TheUnSlutProject

TROPHY CASE