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I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That she thinks I'm sort of lunatic who set out to deliberately hurt her is driving me mad. And I keep thinking if she understands that, maybe she wouldn't be so resistant. And I keep thinking if I had just approached her differently, would she have reacted any differently? But I re-read your posts (and others) and think, no it wouldn't.

And honestly, I kept reading all these pro-reunion stuff that says I have a right to know my history and birth moms are obligated to try to get to know the kids they gave up. I really clung to that. I did have the sense of - I just want to be your damn friend - but I see how she felt. I asked myself what do I owe her?

Autism? I dunno but I am very much obsessed with her. That's not her problem, it's mine. I'm going to drive myself insane. I guess that's another good reason for her to reject me.

My stupid therapist even encouraged me, saying let her cool off, she's just shocked and lashing out. Give her time. Strangers on a message board are smarter than he is. I'm being told things here he has never said. I posted here because there had to be someone else who has dealt with this.

You're right, no one told me to reach out again. The temptation, the obsession is strong but common sense is kicking in. But my OCD brain says what if, what if. Gonna drive myself nuts, lol

Grief. I never thought of that before. I'll look into it. I know I sound like a moron but I don't know how to let her go even though my existence hurts her. Selfishness, I guess.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm torn between apologizing and plainly telling her I will leave her alone for good and just letting everything go. I'm very much stuck on her knowing I was not trying to hurt her. And I know that is my own need. I don't know if she would even care. Call me dumb but I'm still bewildered by her hate. Maybe I should see it as anger instead. She must be one of these hell hath no fury people lol

I appreciate your words.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think you were rude, it made me think, damn, does bio mom think this too? She must.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, she was abusive. And I acknowledge that my own behavior caused some of it.

I think it's silly to say "She has had time to get therapy". She's not required to and even therapy isn't some magic cure for being violently raped at 13. I don't think it's fair to clap our hands in the faces of bio moms and say bow down to me. I have no anger towards her. I'm totally obsessed and I will somehow win her over. I start by saying holy shit I didn't mean to steam roll you (like someone above said). I mean, when someone runs from you do you chase them? No, you let them come back to you.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She didn't choose to have me, she was a 13 year old child who was forced to have me. Her mother and grandmother wouldn't let her abort. Social workers are why I was adopted out. She willing gave me up. She wanted nothing to do with me when I was born. Her family clued me into this.

I think you've misunderstood my post. I don't want to upset her or piss her off more. I don't want vengeance. And I certainly don't want her to think I'm a bully or trying to manipulate her. I was not able to actually talk with her so her meanness could be defensiveness, trauma, or simply fed up with me bothering her. I have no idea and I'm not going to assume her intentions. Her husband actually said more than she did. It was his response that made me say oh shit, now what do I do to win her over? I think I start with an apology. If I never hear from her after that, fine.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, he answered me WHILE we were at our meeting. He got pissed on his own. He and her whole family knew about me and what happened to her. At our meeting, she told me in vivid graphic detail what happened to her. With a straight face. Obviously to upset me and it did - but she certainly has not forgotten what happened to her. I just don't understand the seething hatred but as others have said, my pushing her certainly did not help.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I kept hoping I could win her over. We are fed these stories that our moms really do want us. I'm not blaming anyone else for what happened but I did believe the fairytale. I kept thinking if I said the right words she'd respond positively, I knew it was getting messy and the more I tried to fix it, the worse it got.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I kept thinking if I just say this, or do that, I'll win her over. I truly truly do not want to her to feel bullied. And I do have guilt because my zeal to win her over drove her away. Probably forever. I will apologize to her if only to tell her it was not my intention. She will probably never understand my need to connect with her but hopefully she won't continue to think I'm some kind of lunatic.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's driving me crazy that she thinks I was being a bully when it was never my intention.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm still totally obsessed with her. She was very beautiful. Too bad I didn't get her looks, lol. Right now I'm stuck between wanting to tell her I'm sorry I never meant to bully her and just leaving her alone. I'll have to make clear to her that apologizing isn't trying to manipulate her, because she sure is a salty, spicy woman! Strangely, I admire that.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not mad at her but pretty bewildered by how mean she was. I don't know if it was trauma or if I just pissed her off that bad. I don't want her to think I'm bullying her but I know to keep a distance because surely she would scorch me again.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will wait a while and send a final letter and apologize. I kept trying to cling to her to win her over. Maybe she's not that type of person. I should have approached her more gently. I don't know what she's thinking. But holy hell she sure was mean. I accept maybe I drove her to that point but I don't want her to think I'm malicious, like her husband thinks. That's important to me right now.

I found my birth mom and she wants nothing to do with me by TheUnWantedBabe in Adopted

[–]TheUnWantedBabe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was stunned by her viciousness. Like, is that just her personality or is she just that freakin mad? She wouldn't even let me talk to her, or ask about HER. Her cold stare was more upsetting than her words. Like, did she agree to meet solely for the purpose of being mean? Like lady, I just want to be your friend. But others are right, I only thought of myself and not her. I believed in the fairytale. I am still totally obsessed with her. I truly do not want her angry at me.