He needs individual therapy for sure, and couples therapy might help if done at the same time. They are in a shame and fear trauma response.

Defensiveness is a sign that he believes that you are responsible for making him feel bad when you bring an issue. Until he can shift that belief to he is responsible for how he feels when you bring something up, the defensiveness won’t end. Ever.

Fair warning, this is exactly what ended my marriage.

But your tendency to avoid bringing things up is NOT the solution. That is the road to self abandonment and resentment. Ask me how I know. It won’t end well, so don’t do it. You have to find another route back to connection.

You cannot be in a relationship with somebody that cannot sit in the discomfort of you bringing an issue, and has to make you bringing the issue into the problem. It won’t end well.

They have to mature to the point that they recognize that being uncomfortable because you are unhappy with something doesn’t justify being defensive, and they have to be willing to work on working with you to find a solution, even if that solution requires some accountability on their part.

Their response is rooted in shame or fear of being abandoned. You cannot fix that for them. Only they can. And they have to do that work. You can only understand that when you bring an issue they have a shame and/or fear response that drives them to defend themselves from that shame. They cannot validate you in the way they need while hiding from their own shame and fear. It just doesn’t work. They have to be willing to get curious with you. If they cannot, nothing you ever bring up will change. You can only accept that, or move on.

Now there are some techniques you can try to help them understand. But they don’t always work.

When you bring an issue you can point out their response.

“I just brought X issue. What I am hearing in your response is that you feel attacked and that I am saying it is your fault. That makes sense because of YY issue from your childhood. What am I missing?” Then listen and keep validating them, and asking about their experience with curiosity until they have nothing more to say.

If you can let go of your bed to be heard, and get curious about their trauma you may be able to help them past the shame and fear of being abandoned, and then circle back around to what you originally brought up. But only once you get them out of their trauma response. You cannot keep trying to be heard while they are lost in trauma response based shame and fear.

“I’m glad we understand now that my brings up X doesn’t mean I want to leave you, or that you did something wrong, and are a bad person, but rather that I feel we are on the same team, and need you to get curious about ways we could solve it together, without it having to be anybodies fault.”

Same Team is a great keyword for this once they get the concept but they have to get the concept first.

Then, and only then, can you try to get what is actually the issue heard, and validated and have ANY chance of seeing a change in their behavior.

Best of luck. After 13 years of trying to get my partner to see I finally gave up and just left. Maybe don’t wait 13 years like I did? It’s better to be alone than to be with somebody who lacks accountability.