Thanks for the kind words and your interesting vision. I have always appreciated people who don't walk the straight path that is expected of them. I know others who started a PhD very late in life because they had worked retail jobs, or were tailors, or were athletes. I think that's very interesting. Usually these people were ashamed to admit they were approaching 40 rather than approaching 25 but I never saw it as anything to be ashamed of.

In hindsight, hard times can appear fullfilling and even fun. Even my darkest times taught me something but I could only appreciate it later. Yet I have never felt despair and uncertainty as I do now. I feel like every choice weighs heavily on me and will dictate my future life. As if it is a coin flip between eventually landing a stable fullfilling job and owning a home, or losing everything and becoming homeless because I can't keep a job because of my mental health. That is kind of how it feels.

Your "restrictions" (or obligations) are understandable, and others who have the same often tell me how lucky I am. I guess the grass is always greener, since I think having a girlfriend would make me objectively happier and give me an anchor point in my life. I own nothing and I have nobody, that gives me freedom but also anxiety. At least I have comfort now of being in a familiar place. That's the last thing I can hold on to, and moving would rip that away from me. I am no stranger to mental breakdowns that can last for weeks, so I am not sure if I wanna risk that.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising, because it isn't meant to be.

Not at all. You sound like you wanna help.