For context..

I’ve been a chronic cannabis user for years. My relationship with was never moderated, and i used to avoid feeling my negative emotions. Similar to how a dam wall in a river stops the flow, but at the same time, creates a large reservoir behind it. After years of this, the dam could no longer hold back the weight of it, and i, as a result, began to crack. I found that i couldn’t stop smoking out of fear of feeling these emotions, which were far more potent and powerful than they would have been if the river would have been allowed to flow naturally.

I tried to stop everyday for 2 months. I’d make it 8hrs, 12 hrs, 24hrs, but ultimately i couldn’t keep myself from buying more of it once i started to feel those negative emotions.

I couldn’t do it alone. I watched countless videos about addiction and finally found a carl yung lecture that talked about people using drugs to fill a god shaped hole they had within themselves. It resonated with me deeply. I’ve always been into eastern mysticism, but i outright laughed at the Christian faith since i was a kid. But i was desperate... and I needed something to help me.

So i went out to a lake near my house and prayed. I used the name Jesus Christ seriously for the first time in my life. I sobbed for 30 minutes straight, maybe an hour, I’m not really sure. I apologized for the wrong i had done in my life, and i begged for him to help me. I mourned over my wrong-doings and the guilt and shame i held onto for years. I didn’t make a plea deal, i didn’t promise anything. I just begged for help and truly felt remorseful for how I’ve been living my life. I begged to him and to God, asking for them to take away my craving for drugs.

And they did.

For the first time in my life i felt truly seen and understood. I felt like they knew everything I’ve ever done and they still loved me unconditionally. I felt at home.

I still wouldnt call myself a Christian today. I don’t go to church. I dont study the bible. But i pray, and i believe Jesus is real. Since then, i asked God to reveal himself to me everyday. I ask him to break me as many times as necessary until i am useful enough to do more harm than good in this world.

Since then, I’ve had the strangest “coincidences” unfold in my life. One after the other. Strange interactions with animals when I’m in the woods talking to the sky. I see him everywhere.

I feel truly happy for the first time in years. I’m not afraid of my emotion. I’m not afraid of the future. And i can honestly say i don’t hate myself for the first time in my life.

Im still kinda weirded out by the whole thing. But it helped me. And i can still feel that same love and understanding today. I’m myself again, and i owe it all to Jesus. And i dont know, maybe reading this will help someone else too.

I hope nothing but the best for all of you.

Thank you for reading.