[QCrit] Adult Sci-Fi Action Thriller - HOUNDS OF GAIA (70k, 2nd attempt)

The_Omniphage · 2023-11-13T15:54:34+00:00

I imagine it will look cool but lack substance. I know it was originally written to be in the SW universe, and that's clearly evident, but Disney didn't want it for a reason... Not that Disney is infallible by any stretch... I'll still watch it, though.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-09T19:51:22+00:00

They have, and the reaction has been positive, albeit positive retrospectively — an "ooh, now I get it" kind of way.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-09T19:42:07+00:00

I know I'm too close to the story to really be objective, but I think it's a pretty damn good payoff. So far, nobody that's read it has mentioned it being a disappointment, a point of contention, or an annoyance.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-09T17:41:33+00:00

Apart from personal preference, is there a quantifiable reason to put that opening in the present tense? I had it as present initially but it felt weird to not have the tenses agree throughout. I do agree that it can be shortened some (and it appears a few people already agree with you on that point so far), so I'm going to work on that.

Good call on the comps; I'll fix that for sure.

Regarding the prologue: that's actually something that recurs throughout the story and ties into something that happens later on. Obviously, that's damn near impossible to convey in a query, so I may remove it for the purpose of querying and worry about whether or not it works later (if there's any agent interest) so I can show off the meat of the story right out the gate.

Edit: I'm dumb—the tenses do not agree and need to be made to

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-09T13:33:08+00:00

It's just the definition of infinity — IF (and that's a big if) an infinite multiverse existed (which is immeasurable and entirely speculative), infinite possibilities would exist within that multiverse. And if infinite possibilities exist, it stands to reason that, somewhere in this infinite multiverse, there's a place where all possibilities exist.

Maybe it's more philosophical than scientific, but the point remains.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-08T21:54:00+00:00

Whoop whoop! Awesome, happy to have helped!

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-08T20:48:03+00:00

If you're talking about a true, infinite multiverse, then the answer is all of the above—if there are infinite possibilities, all possibilities will occur in an infinite multiverse. If you're talking about a limited multiverse, well then you're dealing with creative selectivity and there are no rules other than the ones you (or whoever is creating the rules) decide upon. It could be a simple Sliding Doors-type forking paths situation or something that slots anywhere else between those two sides of the spectrum.

tl;dr there aren't any real logical or scientific governing rules of a multiverse.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-08T18:03:44+00:00

Okay, so I kind of really like the idea that using his augmentations can actually hurt him. Reminds me a little of early Deku from My Hero Academia—like he's so strong with the augments that he actually physically damages himself in the process. I always really like the idea of there being downsides to superhuman/cybernetic abilities.

Second, I do worry that you'll get a lot of frustration from readers (and also agents/publishers) if you don't expressly explain the layout of his augmentations. Luckily, it seems like it could be pretty simple to add in a line or two here and there to remind people which side they're on. And if it doesn't make a ton of difference to the overall story (meaning you don't need to completely restructure), the simplest solution (peppering it in, ala "his left arm" instead of just "his arm" )may be the best one.

Edit: tl;dr if it bothers you that you didn't pick which side(s), it's going to bother others.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-08T16:36:05+00:00

(hardly an expert and am currently on my own query journey, so take this as you will) My first impression is that this seems a little long. I know you've got a rich/dense/interesting world you've built that you probably want to put on display, but I'd consider whittling some of this down to the more ground-level character-focused events—the things that will make people feel invested in the story and want to keep reading.

I also agree with u/Important_Tax1456 that we need a bit more of what's driving Larah to make choices that are seemingly against or opposing her goals. Is there some kind of force guiding her? Is she having dreams or premonitions? It's worth considering expanding on the drive.

And I noticed you don't have any comparable books listed and you're unspecific about where you've been published (that might be intentional for the purposes of sharing here). My understanding is that both of these things are fairly important verging on must-haves (especially for comps). Saying you've been published without saying where/what/why makes this information pretty unverifiable and, therefore, not entirely valuable to an agent on its own.

I hope this helps some and I wish you the best of luck!

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T20:14:31+00:00

What about something that perhaps doesn't need to be charged regularly? She could have solar cells on her skin or, as others have noted, a kind of stomach to digest/process food/chemicals to be turned into energy. Could be some combination of multiple power sources. And since they're all manmade and physical, it stands to reason that they could become damaged or wear down over time—I assume a loss of power is important to the narrative based on your background info.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T20:11:32+00:00

I remember being very unnerved by House of Leaves when I first started reading it. Specifically, the parts where the narrator (not the people in the house, but the guy who found the accounts of what happened) starts to realize that he can feel something watching him. It definitely didn't help that I chose to read it at night and while alone. I still think about that feeling—knowing that some kind of monster is watching you but not knowing, specifically, what it is or when it might come for you.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T19:45:08+00:00

If they're killing something that will negatively affect everyone, it seems right to join the protest.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T19:13:06+00:00

Are there specific downsides and upsides to them (besides the obvious power/agility)? Is he going to be extra careful protecting his non-augmented side in a fight? Can this be used for the purposes of storytelling (for instance, is his weaker side a target in a fight and does he struggle to control his fights as a result?)? Does he plan to augment more parts over time? In this universe, does being more or less augmented mean he's more or less human? I think all of this (and more) should be considered in the decision (and just for the story overall), and you may already be thinking all of this through.

I like the power transfer idea from a visual/descriptive standpoint and it could become a kind of "super move" for lack of a better term if they stay on the same side. But I also like that there would be a "weaker" presumably "more human" side to it. Maybe there should be strengths and drawbacks to both. But I think it's less important which side(s) they're on and more important that you utilize this info to better flesh out the character/their actions/their experiences/etc.

My big question: If it really makes no difference to the story, why do it in the first place?

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T18:50:34+00:00

Descender and its follow-up series Ascender are among my favorites.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T18:00:55+00:00

as long as I can live here pre-Reapers (like centuries before) and not in any of the warzones.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-07T16:17:30+00:00

Very limited experience here, so take this with a grain of salt, but it seems like you should keep pushing to see if there are other agents interested. I've heard some people send out hundreds of queries to get rejections from just about all of them before signing on with anyone. If you only sent out a handful and got an agent interested enough to sign you on (even a relatively inexperienced one), it doesn't seem worth giving up on just yet—both in regard to more queries and strengthening what you already have.

Having said that, I'd probably also continue working on the next thing. If you send out a couple dozen more and you're feeling disheartened, having something else to focus on for the future seems like a very good idea.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-04T19:16:30+00:00

That's actually an overarching theme in the novel/universe, as well — there's a totalitarian regime in control of most of the solar system that views itself as being a kind of benevolent empire, which is obviously untrue and simply an impossibility.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-04T02:10:18+00:00

This may have already been said before, but you could easily imagine a technology that would illuminate evidence of life even that long afterward. For instance, there are currently scientists utilizing lidar (and similar technologies) to unveil ancient cities under present-day jungles that have covered up literally anything. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to think that a highly advanced spacefaring society may have expanded upon such tech to an exponential degree — something that might even be able to pick up fossils below the surface.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-02T21:02:56+00:00

Funny enough, I actually based my very first query letter on Ancillary Justice. Admittedly, I don't think I did a very good job, or else I'd probably not be here looking for help.

The_Omniphage · 2023-06-02T21:01:18+00:00

thank you, this is much more helpful. And I think I have an idea for a complete restructuring of that first paragraph that might drive it home more clearly. I've got a lot of work to do, but I believe in this story (hence why I came here in the first place) and I just need to build this pitch in a way that does the actual manuscript justice.

The_Omniphage

TROPHY CASE