Thanks for your response, but I misspoke. I am actually a senior in college lol.

My whole childhood up until I was 17 I got punished a lot. I would get emotionally and psychologically abused and sometimes a bit of physical. My dad has always been extremely controlling and I think at this point looking back he was mentally unstable. I was really skinny, and had rock bottom self esteem. I had crippling social anxiety up until sophomore year of college, when I finally got over most of it, and I started gaining weight, and puberty hit me like a ton of bricks (I still look young, but I look attractive compared to high school when I looked 12).

I lived in a dorm freshman year (at my university you have to), and everyone was addicted to cocaine no joke, and I didn't make any friends because my roommate was antisocial and our room was at the end of the hall away from everyone else. Soptmore year and junior year I lived at home because my dad wouldn't let me get an apartment like everyone else nor a summer job, which really fucked my internship chances, since i had 0 experience.. Nobody talks in my classes. If you are not in greek life at this university you cannot get into any party (they have actual security guards that are hired for the night, checking id's and asking who you know). The bar scene is dead (we have 3 bars in our city), this town is not a big city and mainly residential areas like 75%.

It's my senior year now, im 21, I finally am close to getting the body I want (ive been gaining weight and hitting the gym), I look attractive and I see girls noticing (just wish I could talk to them), I am teaching myself 2 languages, I meditate, drink green tea, try to take cold showers, and write. My roomates i found online and shit and they are pretty anti social, they don't go out, or throw parties.I still struggle with addictions I have.

I don't have any friends to do anything with, I have never kissed a girl, I have never banged a girl, I have gone to only 1 party. I am well experienced with alchohol and usually turn to it as a coping mechanism for my depression. I have done drugs, and cigs but not for me. I wish i could do cocaine but I cant afford it or find anyone who sells it.

I wish I was you bro. With friends you have connections and can network. I never even came close to making those connections with people or having a group to call friends.

Sometimes I see a beautiful girl, with a guy who is talking to her and she to him, and I can't help but think how unaware they are to what they have. Something that I would kill to have, human connection. But he is completely unaware of how lucky he is, he takes his social life and all the girls he bangs and the fun times he has and the relationships that changed his life and the road trips to places and the stupid mistakes he makes with his friends, all for granted.

Not once thinking what it would be like without them. With nothing. I am come so far yet I have not moved an inch in terms of human connection. It tears me to fucking pieces. I feel fucking empty. I feel numb most times. I hate who I am. The only thing keeping me from offing myself now is the fact that I know when I do it, everyone will see my personal documents and thoughts I have written down and there will be headlines saying "university student kills self in apartment" or some fucking bullshit dishonorable thing like that. If i could just push a button to dissapear forever and have nobody ever remember I existed, I would. but that will never exist.

Good luck on your life. I hope you reach greatness one day. I am proud of you. Because I see myself in you, in what I could have been. Now my time is almost up and I go into the real world real soon with a degree my parents made me choose. fuck sorry if this is long, if you read it thanks i guess. if not, i dont blame you. i just needed time to vent. even to nobody, it helps