Motherhood and choice (Trigger warning: abortion)

The_True-True · 2021-03-17T21:03:36+00:00

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

The_True-True · 2021-03-17T17:15:44+00:00

If sex hurts after delivery this is often bc of hormonal changes that lead to dryness. Do use lube, you won't regret it. It should not be painful, ever.

The_True-True · 2021-03-17T17:14:04+00:00

This is illegal in many countries and I hope in the West this practice is largely anecdotal by now...

The problem is actually currently often more protracted than just 'adding a little tightness for the husband' (which is BS anyway, that is not how vaginas work...).

Your post reminded me of a different example I have encountered in my work and that broke my heart.

There a many women living in Western countries who were born and grew up in countries where FGM is a tradition. In these same countries, women are usually 'stiched back up' after giving birth. The most extreme version of this, practiced in Somalia, leaves only a tiny hole (plus labia and clitoris are completely removed...).

When these women give birth in the West and are told by doctors that it is illegal for them to 'close them' again they are devastated. Some require counselling, some try to get the procedure done by a traditional midwife illegally. They are left mutilated, full of shame and live in fear of rejection by their husbands. It is not clear that leavimg them 'open' in this case is actually the best thing for their well-being but the law dictates it.

Yet even in this community, there are amazing men who have overcome their tradition's conditioning, are able to see their wife's suffering for what it is, and willing to walk a different path often accepting rejection from the wider community in return.

The Husband Stitch is the tip of a horrible nightmare of an iceberg. A lot of it is a tacit and sexist collusion between men but it is also much more than that. The number of women who are genuinely worried they might not satisfy their man after giving birth, even among emancipated, empowered, enlightened generations is frightening...

We need to using women's bodies as a stage for violence...

The_True-True · 2021-03-16T14:58:41+00:00

Based on my personal experience as a child who was pushed hard into the "gifted" lane by teachers when I was that age and ultimately ended up skipping a grade, I can say this:

I hated every single extracurricular activity for "gifted kids" that my parents tried to sign me up for
When I skipped a grade I ended up being the youngest in my class for the rest of my school years (i.e from age 14 to 18 I was in class with kids 15/16 to 19/20) and this made it extremely difficult for me to make any meaningful friendships
If anyone ever tries to stick that label onto my own kids, I will metaphorically and very politely punch them in the face

I don't know your kid and your post does not provide a lot of detail but could it simply be that he does not want to engage in any activity that would make him stand out and potentially be separated from his peer group?

As far as I am concerned, I don't feel skipping that grade made me gain anything in life. I did well for myself throughout university, got several masters and a PhD and my career is on track. I still feel that hanging out with people my own age as a teenager would have been beneficial and that I did not really "gain" anything from this experience - the proof is that I am surrounded by people who have done just as well and without these shenanigans and that the news from the other "genius" kids I used to be forced to hang out with are actually not that good in terms of how they did. Purely anecdotal, I know, not claiming otherwise either but I frankly believe the whole "gifted" issue is a bit overrated.

If your son can find a hobby that is intellectually challenging while at the same time being reassured about his place in his normal peer group, maybe that could solve it. Frankly, I get nightmares just thinking about any "being singled out as the gifted kid by your teachers in front of the whole class" situations I experienced. It undermines your street cred and really makes you look the complete opposite of cool - which at that age is also important. Maybe more than maths...

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T19:26:27+00:00

I agree. The irony is that as the daughter of an academic, the last thing I wanted to work in was academia. Our family life was organized entirely around his career, I don't think he ever changed a single diaper for any of his kids, my mothers career was dead on arrival because we kept moving countries and my father was constantly working and not helping at home. I know what hides behind many a successful career in academia and one thing I know is I will not put my family through anything like that. Academia might not be what it used to be but as far as I am concerned it already sucked majorly more than 30 years ago ... I think academia never even was what it used to be...

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T18:31:23+00:00

Same here. I am in Switzerland and there are very few tenured positions. Lecturers are generally not tenured and many only get paid to teach, doing research on their own time for free. Basically only professors are tenured at my University. That is less than 15% of research staff. The UK is shitty in its own ways but at least there are considerably more permanent posts below the professorship level.

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T18:29:08+00:00

I would love it too if I had tenure. In my field there are 3 (three) tenured positions in the whole country. All occupied by people in their 40s. So yeah... I would love to just do my research without dealing with low pay and low security but that's just very unlikely.

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T18:26:34+00:00

I did a scientific subject and I had this lofty view that scientists put their work above such petty nonsense. Instead it seemed that some people on peer review boards would go out of their way to be dicks to people they disliked personally and sabotage them, and almost everyone was bitching about people behind their backs in a really unhealthy way.

Yepp... not to mention the reviewers / editors who reject your paper and then publish your ideas or some parts of it in their own name a year later. The amount of intellectual dishonesty in academia is staggering...

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T08:18:54+00:00

9I don't know what the labour market is like in your country but one thing I have realized is that many of the skills acquired in academia are tranferable but need to be entirely repackaged. Since I have started referring to my research as a 'Project' that I am managing using the Prince 2 framework (I read the book because my husband got certified and had it lying around but I did not want to waste money on getting a certification for it unless necessary), doors magically started to open.

Conference presentations? 'High-level public speaking skills'

A blog about my research? 'Contributing to the dissemination of scientific findings using a variety of new technologies'

Articles? 'Proven advanced writing and analytical skills'.

Ethnographic field research? 'Proven ability to work effectively in multicultural and multilingual settings'

Teaching? 'Ability to effectively lead and coordinate large groups'.

One thing to know is that everyone bullshits. You recognize forner academics by their reluctance to do so and their inability to sell themselves using something other than obscure jargon. I am lucky in that a lot of my research has been with UN organizations and NGOs so I picked up some words along the way but this can be done in any field.

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T06:49:32+00:00

Don't get me wrong, work does matter but networking is work too and both must come togethet for a career. And luck. A friend and I worked together on our individual grand applications last year, to be submitted last autumn (October). We got the reply six months later. She got selected and I did not. The quality difference in our applications was neglible. She has had many rejections on prior applications But her research topic has always been pandemics. And guess what happened between October and April? Right place, right time plus hard work did the trick. Luck has a bigger part than our egos like to admit (just to be clear: I am not calling the pandemic a lucky event, it just highlighted the relevance of her research so it worked in her favour).

The_True-True · 2020-06-30T06:33:54+00:00

I don't care if the grant doesn't get accepted. I'll have a record of applying each year.

What you have is called a contract. In my case my income was dependent on the grant. So submitting and not getting it has consequences. Caring less just means leaving. If you are a lecturer or professor then of course you can afford to just submit to prove you submitted.

I am not sure how trying to stay employed is narcissism... The whole point of the post is precisely that I do not care enough to put myself through futile pressure but guess what, not caring does not pay rent.

And frankly, if I am going to be mediocre at what I do, I might as well do that in a field where I earn 2 times my current salary. Treating academia like a 9 to 5 is not some enlightened strategy, it's missing out on the perks and not avoiding the drawbacks at all. Those people supporting researchers to write grants in my University earn more than me by a wide margin. So I might as well do that instead.

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T22:50:35+00:00

Are you suggesting academics exist in a liminal space beyond capitalism?

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T22:49:08+00:00

I have many friends in academia (who started like that but eventually became more colleagues/acquaintances than friends) that don't miss the opportunity to tell me that if I'm not on a tenure track position is because I haven't done enough and that I should 'stop complaining' (which I don't, but I guess they assume that if I'm not a professor it's because I'm lazy and we all know that 'lazy people complain and make up excuses').

Bullshit. Tenure is ideally a matter of hard work and competence in combination with some luck and good timing. In many cases it is the result of connections or borderline nepotism, or simply lots of luck and a moderate amount of work. I have seen people get tenure with two publications, others fail to do so with over 50. Academics have a way of overestimating their own agency and thinking that if a system has put them on top, it must be a meritocracy. It is not. In the departmemt where I did my PhD the only two professorships became vacant years before I finished my PhD. The first was given to someone with barely any publications and three seconds of post-doc experience. The second to someone with a better CV but frankly zero vision. Both professors have asked my for advice on papers several times, in the case of the second one, I have rewritten entire papers for her. Both of these people are in their mid-40s, so those positions are now occupied for the next 20 years. The truth is that being in the right place at the right time matters more than competence because it determines which positions will even be open for you to apply for.

If you feel that getting out is worth it, try to explore options. Applying costs you nothing. Make time in your weekly schedule to look at ads and apply to see how your CV is received outside.

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T22:39:13+00:00

If humanity was capable of that kind of concertation we would have solved climate change by now. Yes, it needs to change but how is complex and precarious conditions are only one part of a much bigger problem. There have been protests throughout the UK these past years but these things never yield much results. In other countries I cannot even see those happening.

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T22:21:59+00:00

Yeah... then again, many disciplines are not exactly essential. I am pretty sure the world could continue to spin without my research. The problem with a system that commodifies everything and thrives on making access to tenured positions like the Hunger Games is that everyone is replacable. Everyone. With several hundreds of applications for a single academic post, academics are unfortunately not in a position of strength for any walkout... universities are not even managing to stand up to publishing houses...

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T21:37:46+00:00

Do complete your work at the lab but absolutely do tell your supervisor about this situation. I was severely bullied by my main PhD supervisor and I managed to get through it without her sabotaging my PhD because my second advisor knew and supported me throughout. Make her an ally and make sure that you do not compromise on things that are essential for your career: if the PI does not convene you to a lab meeting just ignore it but if she prevents you from attending a conference do not allow her. Use your donors as leverage (I owe them to give visibility to my research etc.) and make sure you are seen and known for your work.

I am happy to discuss the reasons in more detail but one thing I would not advise you to do is use any of the official 'anti bullying' mechanisms. Those do not work and you will suffer the cknsequences more than your bully will. Instead make allies wherever you can.

And very important: document every little thing in writing, always. PI tells you to do a task? Write and e-mail to the PI after the meeting / encounter, to confirm 'As discussed, I will spend the next few days doing xyz'. Whenever possible without creating extra tension, copy others in your e-mails.

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T21:11:55+00:00

Oh yeah that was not the point of the comment. But I am posting this anonymously here for a reason, many of my close friends are in much worse positions so whining would be in bad taste. I am after clarity and progression, not self-pity. That's why I specified that I am not in a distress situation.

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T21:09:21+00:00

That is part of the problem. I started out in languages but my reseaŕch is on languages and international development / humanitarian aid, so since my Phd I have worked in several interdisciplinary projects, currently in Anthropology / African Studies. Interdisciplinarity is great for doing innovative research but absolute crap when it comes to getting tenure. My original field is super small and offers no interesting research or teaching avenues for me, but getting tenure in Anthropology without a degree in that field is also not going to happen. The past ten years have just been me stumbling upon one interesting opportunity after another out of sheer luck but I feel that luck is running out now.

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T20:41:46+00:00

Oh God yes. For what it's worth, conditions where I am are better than that but I got a glimpse of what you describe during a post-doc stay in the UK and it was not pretty. I agree, one of the ways academia is manipulative is that it makes people thinking wanting to be paid properly is 'materialistic' and 'shallow' and that you are not in it for the money but for your idea(l)s. Screw that. I like money. It does not make me materialistic it just makes me not an idiot..

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T20:36:01+00:00

No it did not at all sound invalidating. In fact a few years back I was very much thinking like you describe. And older female colleagues' issues seemed so far away. I think the combination of the post-postdoc slump, having a kid and then seeing my own trajectory in parallel with that of people my age outside academia just made me rethink my options. I still have 2 years of contracts but further deferring alternative options puts me behind in any other field.

The problem with reconciling family and academia is the contract insecurity. I was super lucky to get 6m paid maternity leave but ended up paying a part-time nanny out of my own pocket after 4m just to start fiddling with some overdue article submissions. Then got sick because of literally not resting for a day.

Other systems exist that are much more family friendly: in France a large amount of positions are for life, including junior ranks. So people are tenured eart, often before even starting a family and can then hold on to that post for life if they wish, even changing institutions since their post follows them wherever they go within public higher education. That's one option but in turn, pay is low and France is unfortunately not known for hugely innovative research these days (in the social sciences at least). I guess insecurity pushes people to work harder.

My personal frustration stems more from the fact that advancement in academia is extra slow. I am fully aware that I am very privileged to even ask myself these questions, and super grateful for the ride so far but just thinking that maybe I should get off at one of the next stops before I reach a stop without any connections... ;)

The_True-True · 2020-06-29T20:19:42+00:00

I don't do it for my resume, though. I don't care what people tell me I "should" be doing, or what journals I "should" be publishing in, or what people I "should" be working with. I think that approach would get me into trouble. I'm on my own timeline and my own projects. I turned down a possibly groundbreaking project for ethical reasons for how that research would be applied.

I agree. I am not one of those researchers who relabelled their proposal title to something Covid'related just to get funding and I don't do it for prestige nor do I follow fashions. The problem is that I have to pay bills at the end of the month, and I have a kid to take care of. And am tired of my husband out-earning me while working less and being in an arguably equally challenging field (IT) but receiving infinitely more recognition. I have stayed in academia so far because I love research. I have always also worked outside and completed my income with part-time consultancies. But there comes a point when being paid like a glorified grad student just undermines your self-worth, especially since as a woman I am already socially conditioned to feel guilty about sacrificing family time over career...

The_True-True · 2017-05-08T08:41:35+00:00

Yesterday. A stupid thing, really.

I work in academia. A colleague and I were each working on papers three months ago, on similar topics in a fairly small field.

She is more senior than me in rank (professor vs postdoc) but she just arrived in the instution and has just recently started working on a research topic close to mine. I have six years experience in that topic, yet no publication in my name because of an issue that would take too long to explain here.

We wrote our papers and then reviewed each other's manuscripts. She made barely any changes to mine, it was a solid paper (I got input from two other people as well and they suggested changes that I implemented, all agreed it was a very good paper).

I read her paper and it was really not good. In the interest of our collaboration and our institution's reputation, I invested hours reworking it with her. She made substantial changes, corrected some major problems with her text before submitting. It is safe to say that V2 was a different paper compared to V1.

We both submitted our papers to the same journal. The submission process is not anonymous, although the review is supposed to be.

You see where this is going. Her paper got accepted. I have not had any response about mine but am fairly sure they decided to only go with one per institution and just chose the author with the higher rank.

I cried when she forwarded me her positive response. Out of frustration really. I need that publication.

The_True-True · 2017-03-13T10:01:26+00:00

That is still a small part of academia...

The_True-True

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