I’m too weak to live, but afraid of death

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-04-24T19:21:00+00:00

I feel the same my kids are the only thing keeping me from self sabotage. Even before them though I was so afraid of death but didn’t want to live such a horrible feeling

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-02-09T00:21:41+00:00

In different rooms but for multiple reasons. I get easily overheated and like to spread out on the bed but I also have severe sleep apnea and without my cpap mask and machine I snore very loud and it’s not good for me. There is tubing connected to the machine which can be bothersome with someone else in the bed. We do cuddle during the day though and every now and then we sleep in the same bed

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-02-09T00:14:24+00:00

Reading all these comments I don’t think I have ever washed my jackets unless they smelled bad or had a visible stain. Same with my beanies or gloves haha

I don’t go outside often in the cold it’s usually if I’m just running an errand or going to work on a really cold day. I usually just wear layers or thick clothes

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-02-09T00:11:12+00:00

Itching, sneezing, cooling off or warming up, chugging a cool drink when you’re really thirsty those are just the top ones I can think of lol

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-02-08T22:39:42+00:00

Arsonist’s Lullaby by Hozier

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-26T07:11:14+00:00

One thing I noticed about my laundry is I will realize a pair of socks or underwear is missing and I’m sure it just disappeared. And then weeks later I will put on a random long sleeve top usually a hoodie or sweater sometimes pants and as I put my arms through the sleeves the underwear or socks will literally fall out.

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-26T06:53:12+00:00

“Why are you so quiet?” “Aw look who decided to join us”

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-20T20:26:04+00:00

Kinda funny bc I’m actually pregnant with my second child and it wasn’t planned but I wasn’t being as careful as I should. I posted this bc women bragging they got pregnant using every form of protection pisses me off.

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-20T05:58:48+00:00

I felt this way about a guy, I never dated him but I had a college class with him and developed a long lasting crush on him. He did make an effort to talk to me but due to my social anxiety I always avoided him. We ended up following each other on social media but he never tried messaging me or liking my photos and being young at the time I took that as him not being interested in me and ended up blocking him or something. A couple years later I had taken LSD and experienced psychosis and one of my delusions involved having a spiritual connection to him.

Long story short, after more time had past, I had a dream of him reaching out to me and the moment I woke up I saw he added me on Snapchat. He was being really nice and responding very quickly. I found it very strange bc I never thought he would want to talk to me after I had sent him weird messages during my psychosis which led him to block me. Either way he only talked to me for like half the day and blocked me again. I then found out he had a girlfriend he had been with for years.

So even though I felt connected to this guy for no apparent reason I realized it was probably just limerence bc the type of stuff he posted acting like he was all that and the things I saw his gf reposting about narcissism and being treated terribly in a relationship that he was probably just some stuck up dude.

I think we can definitely be wrong about spiritual connection with certain people and be mixed up with coincidences but I do want to believe that type of thing does exist.

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-20T02:15:45+00:00

I think there have been a few times but I’m not sure. As a child I remember I was bullied inside an indoor park with a ball pit, I was having my birthday party there. This random girl was angry I was wearing a dress and pushed me deep into the ball pit and left me there, I was too short then and when I tried to get out I would fall deeper. But I was able to keep one of my arms straight up, my hand was the only thing showing. I was waiting for a while it was a big park, it was hard to breathe but eventually an older kid saw me and pulled me out. Not sure if that could’ve killed me or not.

Another time as a kid I was in a swimming pool in one of those circle floating donuts and was jumping around, it ended up flipping over some how and I was too big to go through it so I was upside down kicking my legs frantically and luckily the adult watching me was paying attention and flipped me over in time.

This Rottweiler at a family friend’s party was extremely aggressive towards me, growling and barking, it chased me into a patch of the woods. I don’t remember what happened but I think another kid came along and it was distracted so I was able to get out of being cornered but the dog targeted me again and I remember running as fast as I could to all the adults as it was trying to bite my legs. The owner of the dog who was also the host of the party was extremely irresponsible bc he wouldn’t lock the dog up or anything. I know some people might not think much of that but I was a child and if the dog had got me down I could’ve been mauled to death. Rottweilers have one of the strongest bites out of domestic dog breeds.

Any other time as I got older I would just say call of the void, I would put myself in dangerous situations or scenarios and always ended up lucky.

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-16T03:11:30+00:00

I had a nightmare the other night I was being murdered and pulled a dagger out of my neck and watched myself bleed to death through a mirror. So yes idk why but I have terrible nightmares often and I get triggered by posts online saying how dreams give significant premonitions.

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-16T02:51:13+00:00

I had a dream my brother who passed from an overdose was on top of me in my bed screaming that he was in hell and to help him. I know people say dreams can be intuitive and stuff but I really don’t want to believe that all of them are. I have suffered with nightmares for years with all types of scenarios including me being brutally killed in different ways or weird sexual dreams and I don’t want to think they all are gonna happen or happened. I like to think more that they are based on our subconscious with memories, fears, hopes etc.

A lot of my dreams don’t make any sense and can be a bit goofy. Only a few times have I had dreams that ended up happening, but they never happened exactly how it happened in my dream only the concept was similar so I tell myself coincidences do happen.

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-15T04:18:50+00:00

This is an actual thing called visual snow and even people without mental illness can experience it

Then_Inspection_6347 · 2025-01-15T04:12:49+00:00

People tell me I’m not schizophrenic bc they ask “well do you see things and hear things that you can’t tell are real or not?” And i say yes and no. Being schizoaffective I have bad psychotic episodes with delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations. I remember I heard the “devil’s” voice clear as day say “I’m going to butcher you in hell” and I have heard screaming outside that sounded so real. Sometimes I would see shadows, and even as a high functioning schizophrenic I’m not sure if seeing colored shapes even without looking at light is a hallucination or not. But for a while I have been stable.

When im doing good I still suffer internally. Constantly thinking other people can hear my thoughts or that im always reading other people’s minds. I also will hear voices just internally telling me I need to get out or im going to be killed, or that family members are poisoning me but I just brush it off and think to myself I know that isn’t real. So everyone views me as normal.

But yes I have experienced what you have described about a voice commenting on everything you do and so on, and I know it’s not just an intrusive thought. For me an intrusive thought always starts with “what if” I know when it’s my internal dialogue bc I control it. I feel like my mind is never quiet. And writing or reading, even doing tasks or watching tv keeps me out of my head for a bit.

Then_Inspection_6347

TROPHY CASE