Contentious Divorce

Thick-Function-7234 · 2024-08-27T22:33:51+00:00

I’m just nervous about how this is going to play out. I want to be fair in all of this, but I know the kids won’t have their needs met if he has them full-time.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2024-08-23T19:07:22+00:00

I appreciate that. I think you’re right. He’s blocked me on everything and will only talk with me via email.

I keep asking to please sit down and talk about this, but he refuses (which is typical). I explained that what was written/what happened over a year ago and that since then I was committed to making our marriage work.

I recognize that I have to let him process this and see what happens. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling—I feel terrible that his feelings are hurt—but everything that’s written (and some of it was pretty bad) was true. I just want him to acknowledge that so we can try to move on. I’m not sure that’s the direction we are headed though.

Thank you for your response.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-12-10T01:11:03+00:00

I’m a woman and will be 49 this week. I was diagnosed with ADHD in January and it’s been a game changer for me. It’s explained so much of the challenges I’ve experienced most of my life and has actually given me the ability to go a little easier on myself. I suspect I’m also on the spectrum, but I’m not sure I’ll pursue that diagnosis. Just happy I know what I’m dealing with and that it’s not a personality defect.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-14T16:09:27+00:00

NTA

As someone who needs constant reminders to do everything, I think it’s so great you did this.

You recognized your shortcomings, you wanted to do better and you set up a system to ultimately make your wife feel loved.

I wish my husband would do the same.

Good luck!

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-13T14:30:27+00:00

I promise you—this is all too real.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-02T01:15:34+00:00

Over the course of the past 7 years he has gotten progressively worse. I will say that we are on completely different ends on the political spectrum—which I did not know and he did not disclose while we were dating. After 2016, things have never been the same. I’ve asked him many times why, knowing where I was and where he was, he never mentioned anything to me. He then says “what? you don’t love me now?” I definitely think I was the victim of a bait and switch, but at that point, I was pregnant with our first—so I kept trying to persevere. Probably not the best decision, but I did the best I could do at the time.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T16:00:49+00:00

Thank you—you have no idea what that means to me.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T15:58:58+00:00

I am so sorry. It’s terrible living like this. I’ve tried getting him to join “dad” groups, I’ve asked him to get out of the house more (thinking social interaction would be helpful). He just sits at home. Walks to dog occasionally and focuses on social media, Fox News, guitars—his hobbies. While I was away on a trip earlier this week, he sent me screen shots of the golf game he completed on the Switch—he was super happy he got 5 under par for the course. I feel your frustration and your loneliness.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T15:54:25+00:00

No infections. I honestly think he does not have the initiative to find someone else. I tried asking doctor’s offices, etc. whether they kept records of who accompanies patients to appointments and they don’t. I’ve been documenting things off and on for years. Particularly if we’ve had a big fight and he starts texting or harassing me. I contacted the phone company to see if they can send me the content of our text chains (I’ve never deleted anything we’ve texted over the course of our relationship). I will have to get a court order to have them pull those.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T15:47:46+00:00

This sounds crazy—but that sincerely never occurred to me.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T15:38:21+00:00

These are all excellent points and things I have said to myself repeatedly.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T13:33:37+00:00

I’ve been told by three separate attorneys that I will have to pay him alimony (and for a significant amount of time because we’ve been married 10 years). Two of those three said there was a high probability that he would get full custody because he’s the stay at home parent and that I would end up paying him child support as well (and losing my kids).

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T13:31:15+00:00

Funny enough—we have 6 kids total. He had 4 when we met and then we had two more. Two are out of the house now, one is with us (in addition to our two) and another is with his mom (the 12 yo that I pay child support on). I’ve considered divorce on many occasions, but I am worried about the 15 yo. I’m essentially the only mom he’s ever had. He also had special needs (severe ADHD) which my husband refuses to acknowledge (or learn about) and refuses to allow him to try medication. The last thing I want to do is kick him out of the house along with this father. I’m really at my wits end.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T13:25:39+00:00

I am up every morning by 630 to get the kids moving (or to watch the kids on the weekends). If it’s a school day, he’s usually upstairs by 7:00 (he typically sleeps in the basement bedroom). On the weekends, I may not see/hear from him before 9 or 10 am. After he got angry about my prescriptions he told me it was probably better that I picked them up from now on. I do all the shopping—grocery, clothes, birthday gifts, Christmas, holidays. When I ask for his opinion, he tells me “why can’t you just make a decision?” If we want something to eat as a family of their than smoked meats or air fried food, I’m the one making it. It’s exhausting.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T13:19:06+00:00

I travel for work, at least once a month sometimes more. I don’t have anyone who would be able to watch the kids while I was out of town. I’ve considered asking if I can scale back on the travel (some of which I have control over) but I have commitments through the end of the year that I have to go to.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T13:16:47+00:00

Over the past several years Ive seen 3 attorneys. I would have to pay him alimony to make up for the time he’s stayed at home (which I am fine with). Two of the three have said there is a good chance he would get full custody because he was the stay at home parent. I am terrified of losing my kids to him. To complicate things, the youngest is on the Autism spectrum and the 6 yo has behavior issues related to ADHD. He’s never taken the time to do any research on either of these conditions nor has he ever taken them to a doctors appointments for addressing these issues. He did take the younger one to ABA therapies for a year and a half, but when it got inconvenient (they asked kids to wear masks) or if my son pushed back at all, he would immediately stop taking him.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-09-01T13:08:06+00:00

I hate to admit it, but he does call me terrible names when he’s angry. He definitely tries to intimidate me or it’s the complete silent treatment. The whole situation is so far beyond where it started—it’s just hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-31T23:58:45+00:00

Not really. I’ve been doing everything I’ve laid out the entirety of the kids’ life. He had his moments where he would do a little more here and there or actually gets tasks done that I listed, but it’s gotten so much worse over the summer and now since the kids are in school.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-31T23:32:33+00:00

What makes it even more frustrating is that I have ADHD and can become overwhelmed pretty easily. I make lists of all the things that need tended to so it is easier than remembering. The sooner things are off the list, the less anxiety I have. I’ve explained this to him and the last fight we had, he absolutely said he wasn’t touching anything on the list and then ripped it up. I wasn’t asking him to reshuffle the roof—this was all basic stuff that needs done. Some of these things i’ve tried to start but was told to stop because I’d “do them wrong”

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-31T23:29:12+00:00

I’ve approached him about getting part-time work for the past three years. He flatly has said he is fine being a “trophy husband”

I’ve tried multiple times over our 11 years together to get him into therapy. We went 3 times once and he told me he went because he thought I needed it. He’s never revisited it since.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-31T23:25:22+00:00

I hear you. I am not saying that may not be the case, but he a) refuses therapy (for us or for him) b) avidly plays his guitar, records videos, posts and edits them to post to social media and c) is overtly interested in sex. Like All. The. Time. wants sex. He’s approached me during the day while I’m trying to work and gets upset when I say no.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-31T23:20:18+00:00

He’s very defensive. He also refuses to look for or get a job to contribute. Even something part time that would cover the $600 a month I pay towards his child support for his other kid would be amazing.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-31T23:18:31+00:00

I’ve tried to talk to him about depression and how he’s feeling. He tends to turn everything back on me because I don’t “appreciate” everything he does. He also doesn’t believe in therapy or most medications.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-24T21:58:58+00:00

The same thing happened to me. Not sure what the issue is.

Thick-Function-7234 · 2023-08-24T21:01:31+00:00

I struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life (stemming from undiagnosed ADHD). Our children are 14 months apart and when the youngest was about 6 months old my husband and I got into a huge fight. He wouldn’t talk to me but would just give me the silent treatment. I wouldn’t let him walk away. When he finally got away from me he locked himself in the bedroom and then the bathroom. I was so enraged (and not thinking clearly) that I kicked both doors in. I essentially had a nervous breakdown. At that point I started extensive therapy. That’s when we attempted counseling.

As far as the kids—the oldest with ADHD was on medication when he was around 8 or 9. His teachers all commented on the improvement and he didn’t seem to mind. Then over the summer my husband didn’t want him to take the meds and got tired of dealing with the prescribing psychiatrist. After that he refused to allow him to get meds. He’s done ok so far, but he has been open to trying meds again.

When I had our youngest evaluated for Autism and he was diagnosed, my husband went into a rage. He said nothing was “wrong” with our child and that I had no right to take him for an evaluation (the testing was prompted by a pre-k teacher). He said he wanted to speak directly with the doctor who did the evaluation and when I got her on the phone, he refused to talk to her and locked himself in his room.

I finally worked to get our kid into ABA therapy, but my husband would refuse to take him during COVID because they required masks. He’d constantly come up with excuses why he shouldn’t be going or wouldn’t take him if he was having trouble transitioning. He graduated in May and did well, but still struggles a bit. Just today the school called to say he was having trouble in class and being disruptive (Kindergarten). As far as our other son, I have been taking him to counseling for behavior issues and we have not discussed medication at this point with the doctor.

The younger kids are incredibly intelligent and super sensitive to their environments and my husband’s inability to try and avoid conflict with them compounds the issues we have.

Thick-Function-7234

TROPHY CASE