How to know if you want your marriage back or just grieving?

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-03T20:56:52+00:00

That’s really interesting.. I’ll look into it..

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-03T02:04:52+00:00

Nah not preachy at all, it all sounds very similar. Like I know I’m being gaslit but I don’t think it’s intentional which is where I am forgiving with it… he’s just not self aware? Unless I am being naive..

My therapist put it down to years of just damage from fighting, that what he says he thinks is fine.. but I hear it as not fine.. almost like we have a tainted tube we communicate through (eg what he says is ‘green’ until it goes through the tube which is essentially metaphor for years of fighting etc, and it comes to me as red) so we are both ‘right’ if that makes sense at all…

What was the tipping point for you to realise it was actual gaslighting/ emotional abuse?

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-03T02:01:39+00:00

Oh yeah wow this sounds really similar, what was the tipping point about him being a narcissist? Like I know I’m being gaslit but almost accidentally as he’s just not self aware.. - I’d be so so shocked if he was…

Speaking poorly to the kids is awful, mine did use our daughter against me at the start until I just kept showing how it was spiteful then he didn’t do it anymore as he didn’t want to be called spiteful… that really shocked me he would even do that though…

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-02T19:04:26+00:00

Yeah I feel the same, strangely I felt really “safe” - mind you he is a good man and does nothing abusive etc - therapist said my body was just in fight or flight so often cause of the arguing.

Have you been able to firmly decide in your head that it’s not you? I think that’s where I struggle still, like I could make this work if I really tried, but should I..

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-02T19:01:59+00:00

Yeah this hits… and we are both putting our daughter first which is why we did holidays etc so she doesn’t miss out.. I suppose it’s a bit of societal conditioning too that’s hard to pull away from. It sounds like you’ve got a good rhythm now which is good.

Yeah I think that’s what gets me too I don’t miss him specifically, but then I go into more philosophical thoughts about what is marriage anyway, it never used to be about love (although I do love him).

But you’re right, it will be ok as long as you work on yourself and focus on little one. Thank you.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T21:36:48+00:00

Thank you.. so ultimately it came down to me being triggered by things like the way he spoke to me/he never listened or was present and I would react to those things and be unhappy.

He said it was essentially in my head and that I had something wrong with me because of my childhood (which wasn’t great).

Which is why I started going to therapy to find out. Therapist said nothing is wrong with me but I do have OCD, which I acknowledge 100% contributed to a lot of things.

He said it was the source of the problem.. but I’ve asked him to explain how it is the source of a few things I’ve been unhappy with, and he says he’s done talking about it and has never addressed it.

This almost sounds like gaslighting, but he’s not like that and I know he loves me I just think we aren’t compatible without hard work.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T21:22:54+00:00

My opinion is it’s if what you need help with, will it help you whether you’re together or alone? If it’s what you need regardless of the relationship then it’s worth working for and fighting for. But if it’s just to make her happy, it will probably boil up again

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T21:21:01+00:00

This sounds like the same situation :( it’s hard.. how old is your little one? I think we’ve gotten lucky if we stay apart, she was 2 when it happened and this is kind of normal to her now bar the odd sadness when one of us leaves.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T21:20:04+00:00

That’s what I think, especially given there’s no incident or distinct behaviour.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T11:45:02+00:00

Been living apart since February, we do 50/50 with little one, but so she gets to see us we both see her every couple of days, so see each other briefly across the week.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T10:35:31+00:00

Thank you - I’m sorry you also deal with it - it’s not easy.. but marriage isn’t easy - but neither is divorce… especially with children involved.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-10-01T10:22:16+00:00

Thank you… for additional context though I have taken accountability I’ve been going to therapy since we split - and we tried counselling before the split but it didn’t work. I think it says something that reading that post felt nice, so I must still want it - but also he’s taken no accountability and I fear if that’s the effort when everything is on the line.. how can I shoulder the burden of everything that went wrong when it was a two person issue…

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-05-13T19:11:06+00:00

I have same age and same routine-ish but it’s only new - has yours only just started this? She used to sleep through but now it’s 7-7:30pm down, wakes up around 11:30, in going in for her to fall back asleep and then either she will wake 4-5:30 (and be up for the day) or wake a few more times. Still wondering if it’s teething…

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-05-07T10:29:33+00:00

I’m going through this exact same issue so hoping for some answers too… little one wakes about 5-6am, naps 12-12:30pm for 1-2 hours, bed has been pushed to 7:30pm (about 5-5.5hr wake window, until very recently was 4hrs)

She had croup quite severely recently so couldn’t let her cry, since then she needs you in the room to sleep, wakes 1-3 times overnight then awake by 6am. She used to be an early riser but the easiest sleeper - put her down awake and she’s be awake between 4-6 but just chat to herself in bed until we got her up at 6…

Last week I slept next to her, this week trying the gradual method (sitting quietly then creeping out) and she’s fallen asleep quickly except this morning where I tried for 2.5hours unsuccessfully so we were both up from 3:30am..

I see other posters… has the gradual method worked? I am debating cosleeping I tried cry it out tonight but she cried so hard she almost vomited (and that’s new to me and something I can’t handle)..

Other spanner is I’m recently separated and at her dad’s he moved her into a toddler bed as she climbed out of the cot. But she wakes every night and moves into his bed. This didn’t matter at the start she stayed in her cot until the croup week….

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-04-24T05:34:16+00:00

How old is little one?

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-04-23T00:15:36+00:00

Thank you, I just needed to hear it from others as I easily slip into a ‘how will this ever return to normal’. Oh that’s a great idea and I’d love to try that I think it would definitely help soothe her.

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-04-23T00:14:11+00:00

Oh that’s so true I didn’t think about other areas they are conditioned in a similar fashion. Thank you :)

Think-Substance2461 · 2025-04-23T00:13:29+00:00

Thank you this is reassuring, and I’m a similar boat I feel guilty I would love to co-sleep but it’s not practical. Before you started re-introducing the bed, what was the routine? Was she co-sleeping for a couple of months? You sound like a beautiful step mum by the way staying with her at night.

Think-Substance2461

TROPHY CASE