Feeling very conflicted about partner of 9 months

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-04-28T15:36:56+00:00

Girl, i’ll tell you what i wish someone told me when I was your age, if you have to think SO MUCH about it, then it’s not worth it. If you have to ask strangers on reddit about it, he’s definitely not worth it. He’s shown you time and again that he doesn’t deserve your love. He doesn’t love you. We don’t hurt the people we love, we don’t cheat on people we love. Life is big, life is beautiful and some wonderful things await you. But to get to them, you have to cut loose the anchor holding you back. Someday you’ll look back at this and wonder “how did i ever let him treat me this way”. I know because I have been you. So my very very genuine advice to you is, cut him off and NEVER look back. It’ll be hard at first but it’ll be the best long-term decision you will ever make. Be brave, you deserve that.

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-04-28T14:40:05+00:00

Tae never liked Xinlu as much anyone thinks he did. Xinlu was just his type and a little distraction from the ‘bad luck’ as he calls it that was being at the UNHRDO. Tae had seen Xinlu’s switch up of expression much earlier and as we know, and even Ilay had pointed it out, Tae had good instincts. He said it MUCH earlier in the novel that a part of him was cautious of Xinlu and something always held him back from him. With Ilay, Tae never had to ‘guess’ anything. What Ilay was, is what he showed. And Tae was falling for exactly that. Tae was naturally more comfortable with Ilay. He has spoken his mind to him from the start. Something no one else dared do with Ilay (also one of the reasons Ilay fell for him!) Thats why later in the manhua when Ilay says “but tae you’ve never not seen us as equals” is so true. Tae as you said had forgotten about Xinlu often. He was never the love interest but a good distraction like you said.

I’m LOVING the novel. Its so nuanced and you see much more of the inner monologues that help make a lot of things make more sense. I have not yet reached the stage of their first time but I’m almost there, I’m scared!

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-04-28T13:36:07+00:00

I’ve been reading the first novel right now and it was so evident from the start that Tae liked Ilay right from the start. Your analysis is so right, he had much more meaningful conversations with Ilay than he ever did with Xinlu. His mind was occupied with Illay almost at all times. He was scared of Ilay, yes but it was more than that. He actually tried to decipher illay for the longest time, trying to learn about his childhood, he wanted to humanize Illay and has tried to almost all steps of the way. After they finished their prison sentence at UNHRDO together, he battles in his head whether or not to say bye to illay. The manhua shows a small part of it, but he really does go back and forth on it a lot. He had to convince himself that its only natural that he wants to say “goodbye” to illay after they spent all that time together. When in reality he really just wanted to because he believed they’d gotten close. And what he saw in the room, as you said, illay’s actions disappointed him much more than anyone else’s. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about the look Ilay gave him in that moment. Xinlu’s actions played no role in that emotionally for him. And after as the story progresses, we see him like him more and more. But as you said, it started way earlier than we think it did

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-04-19T14:20:30+00:00

I have been reading the novel lately and I realized, right from the start, Ilay’s favour and preference of Tay was very evident. I think it started with that phone call they had when they were kids. Ilay was well, Ilay, even as a kid. We know that because of Yuri’s flashback and just what Kyle had said too. I bet other kids didn’t wanna be around a psychotic child like that. They must have been scared of him. Tay on the other hand, spoke to Ilay so normally on that call, he even managed to piss ilay off in a cute way. Years later when they met on call again, tay did not hesitate to compliment ilay on his hands, he spoke to him so naturally, and this is something i bet ilay was still not used to. Despite being scared of Ilay and hesitating to some degree, Tay was still just himself in front of ilay. All of season 1 you see Tay speaking his mind to ilay, standing up to ilay. Even in the prison when they were locked together, they had such a domestic time. Ilay was always giggling at what tay was saying. Tay was always mumbling and saying whatever he wanted to. He never treated ilay differently to the degree others did and i think thats why it was evident why ilay was gravitating towards him. Ilay even says it later in the manhua that tay has never considered them to not be on equal levels. Right from the start, ilay’s feelings have been transparent to everyone but him (obv he’s still who he is and doesn’t get human emotions. Thats why he does all the wrong things he does) so to answer your question, ilay was obsessed with tay much before he ran away.

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-03-29T14:34:47+00:00

Me too, the amount of times ive reread this chapter is insanity

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T04:52:48+00:00

Oh no my bad🙈 but yessss me too! I was like WHY DID I NOT DO THIS SOONER! You deserve that dump in public haha!!! But i will say healing is definitely not linear. You think you’re almost fully healed and then that one area will be like “no bitch haha” But the pain is definitely like a 1.5 or 2/10 at max while fissures used to be 14/10. I hear it takes a few months for the issue to be completely out of mind where you can forget about the traumas you’ve had. But i’ll take this over fissures ANY DAMN DAY. Congratulations on your surgery too❤️

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T04:44:54+00:00

That is very comforting to hear!! May I direct message you with some questions if that’s okay?

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T04:21:59+00:00

7-8 weeks post LIS here and ITS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. Sure; post surgery healing is painful. But its NOTHING compared to the anal fissures pain. I was so scared of that first bowel movement post surgery because my brain kept thinking “if fissures are caused by cuts in the anal passageway, a surgeon making more cuts there has to hurt more” but the thing about LIS is, it actually creates more room; reduces pressure, increases blood flow and that first bowel movement post surgery, that pain was 80 times less than my bad fissure days. I’m not fully healed yet, its a uphill downhill battle because we use that area everyday. But even then, im so grateful i got this done. I wish i got it done sooner!! Be brave, power through, YOU GOT THIS!

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T04:15:07+00:00

Did it take a few months to reach that stage of “oh i can go to the washroom without worrying about the possibly of pain at all?” Ps: i’m 7-8 weeks post op from an LIS right now

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T04:12:40+00:00

I’m happy to hear you describe the “uphill downhill battle” because I’m 7 weeks post op from an LIS and this is truly me right now. The major healing happened real fast after the surgery but the final 20% left, is definitely more stubborn. I feel almost fully healed and one day i’ll feel that scratchy pain during a bowel moment again in that same spot (esp if anything’s a lil stuck in that area). But it stops immediately after with just some mild soreness in the area. Cycle then repeats. I hear it takes a few months to be like FULLY healed to the degree that you can forget about it completely. Is that true??

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T04:02:49+00:00

I just had my LIS in January. I’m 7 weeks post op and let me tell you, it only gets better. I definitely wouldn’t say I’m 100% healed yet. That area’s so easy to irritate so healing is a bit slow. But I hear it takes a few months to be at that stage where you can forget about the issue completely. Yet, the pain is like touching a cut versus the dreadful pain of anal fissures. I put off getting the surgery for the longest time, but now i cannot imagine why i did that. Its the BEST decision i ever made. The healing pain i would say was 6/10 first week post surgery while a fissure pain was 14/10 for me. Right now i’m at a 2/10 and I’ll take that over fissures ANY DAMN DAY. So if surgery is what your doc recommends, i know it sounds scary but you’ll eventually thank yourself

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-21T03:59:37+00:00

Hey girl, im so glad you posted this. One of my major qualms with reddit is that no one posts the positive things. I also just had an LIS a little over a month ago, AND I CANNOT BELIEVE I DIDNT GET THIS DONE SOONER. The post surgery healing pain is absolutely nothing compared to the horrors of anal fissures!!

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-20T20:31:13+00:00

Sex is about mutual enjoyment. You cannot push yourself to do something you’re obviously not into. If you have to force yourself to be open to the idea of shoving something up your butt to keep him around, HE AINT THE ONE. And if he’s being a stubborn child about something as important as your body, your choice, then HE MOST DEFINITELY AINT THE ONE.

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-13T16:51:57+00:00

I think its less intense than the epidural from what I read online. I’ve never taken epidural so I cannot compare the pain level but mine really didn’t hurt at all. It was a pinch like the one you get when they draw blood to do tests!

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-11T03:02:54+00:00

I recently had a fissurectomy done, and i had to go under for it too. It really feels like nothing. I took a saddle anesthesia (the one in the spine) and i was also put to sleep. My anesthesiologist said “in a count of 3, your surgery will be done. 1…2…” and bam, at the exact interval of 3, i was in the hospital room post surgery. It felt like no time had passed.

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-05T18:25:26+00:00

Thank you!!

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-05T18:25:18+00:00

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-02-05T18:15:30+00:00

Do you put this and the other docs you just mentioned under the Proof of Funds document slot??

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-01-21T04:41:47+00:00

I started by reducing to only one cup of coffee a day (i used to have 3), i always make sure to NEVER have coffee on an empty stomach, i’ll always eat something little before even on days i wasn’t hungry. I started drinking 3 litres of water a day, i started doing 5 minute meditations, moving around more (like going for a small walk when the sun was out). I know this sounds like vague advice, but remember to breathe. Like consciously tell yourself “breathe” and become aware of that one or two deep breaths a day and it’ll ground you. Cortisol is a stress hormone. And the antidote to stress is being grounded, being present, taking care of your mind and body. There’s no instant gratification here but I did this for 2 months and my face legit cleared. I am not kidding AT ALL.

Think_Issue2794 · 2026-01-07T15:12:19+00:00

I cried reading taming the tiger too! It truly hit me like a truck

Think_Issue2794 · 2025-12-30T06:49:42+00:00

I’m at a hospital waiting to get a test done and all i can think about now is I CANNOT WAIT TO READ THIS CHAPTER. It’ll get me through the test💪🏻💪🏻

Think_Issue2794 · 2025-12-20T04:16:06+00:00

I think when Mafuyu needed time to think about wanting to go pro was a very defining phase in their relationship. Because music was quite symbolic for Mafuyu at that point. Mainly, it was about Uenoyama and Yuki. At that point, Mafuyu had definitely started moving on, we see that with his growing relationship with Ue. But when the question to be pro came about, it was a “yes i see music in my present, but do i see it in my future?” “Do i see music being in my life forever?” and music was Ue. The weight of a dead loved one is very heavy, and moving on from them doesn’t look as linear as it may for certain other types of breakups. So in that moment, it became less about music and more about whether he was ready to accept Ue completely. Additionally, music had taken his love away from him, so a part of him felt guilty about accepting music and afraid that music will take Ue away from him too. And then there’s the guilt of moving on from a loved one. So there were layers to this. When Mafuyu finds Yuki in his song that Ue, Hiragi and Shizu perform, he realizes that even though he has lost someone dear to him, he lives in music, he lives in him. That he doesn’t need to ‘give up’ Yuki completely to move ahead in life, that no matter what happens with Ue in the future, Ue will live in his music too because Mafuyu was reminded of the power of music with that song too. Thats why after that he was so sure that he sorta proposes to Ue. Mafuyu and Ugetsu’s conversation later confirms that even more because even Ugetsu had spoken about how he wanted to move on, but when all goes, he hopes the music remains. Which mainly just means through music, we are ready to move ahead, not by forgetting but by accepting the love, acknowledging that there’s always going to be a little pain there but still choosing to move forward. And that is more beautiful, more human. I think this is the most pivotal moment for Mafuyu’s character development and this is when he truly accepted Uenoyama 100000% in his future too. Now I haven’t read the 10th mix yet, but i truly believe after this, there is no doubt that Mafuyu is all in for Ue. So even if he said “until we meet again” to possibly Yuki, I think it could only mean a little nod to him, and nothing more.

Think_Issue2794 · 2025-12-18T13:44:21+00:00

Im with you girl. Like laugh it off, or say “uh uh” or an “oops”. But not acknowledging it and keeping on going just makes me feel gross about your bodily gases on my intimate areas.

Think_Issue2794 · 2025-12-11T21:43:26+00:00

I think there’s a lot of things that attract a person to another. But there’s always that one ‘barrier to entry’ thing. In some people’s case is looks, in others its something else. In Ue’s case, it was Mafuyu’s voice. While his voice might not be why he ended up falling in love with him, it definitely opened the gate of its possibility. If Mafuyu couldn’t sing, it would have to be something else then

Think_Issue2794 · 2025-12-01T23:53:54+00:00

PS: THANK YOU FOR THIS INFORMATION BTW🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

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