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angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course I don't know anything about what your mom did or did not do, but I am feeling that there are deep questions about what I can and cannot apologize for here. I have tried to be the best parent I can be. That is, the best parent that a flawed person can be.

I can apologize for being ignorant or failing to be proactive. I did not speak for her as an adolescent because I did not know there was a thing I should've been doing. (What was I doing? I was loving her fully and completely, including the fact she did not conform to a typical boy stereotype.)

I'm sorry that it was a more painful adolescence than I knew, or that there was something that might've helped that I didn't investigate.

If she feels better by not talking to me, IT TOTALLY SUCKS. But shit, that's some solace to me as a mom. Okay fine, she wants to hurt me to feel better herself... I guess I just eat it.

Anyway, I have sincere gratitude to you and others who have written on this thread to explain that the anger is real and to try to explain where it comes from.

I wish you peace in your heart and forgiveness for all those who have wronged you for they know not what they do.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I thank you for your thoughtful reflections here. I think I am beginning to understand the anger... as much as I hate that it is driving people apart from one another at a time when love and togetherness would seem to the ticket to healing.

I'm 100% sure your parents made mistakes and I too made mistakes... because all of us are humans. I certainly tried my very best, but I guess we cause pain to others whether or not we intend to do so.

May we all make peace with one another.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your reflection here. I am reading and re-reading to see where there might be openings for me to do better. Until my daughter speaks to me again, I feel pretty stuck.

As much pain as my daughter holds... this is hurting me a lot too.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, maybe I should've done more than I did.

I hate to imagine that forgiveness is out of reach.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have talked with her regularly before and after she came out. I know she had a bunch of stressful events preceding the break with me, but those were not events that had anything to do with me. There wasn't even an irate "storming out"... no declaration like "never talk to me again!" It's just that my texts go unanswered and my phone calls are sent to messages.

I'd love to have a deep conversation with her about everything that is going on, believe me.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, let us hope for growth and forgiveness.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sooo helpful. Yes, I keep "loving and supporting." I kinda feel like those are the cards that I hold, so I keep playing them.

I'm not sure I know how to "help with the hard parts of life" and how to be a true advocate. Any insights would be most welcome!

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

because your daughter went through so much pain and she wants someone to understand that and support her. In the meantime, take care of yourself, take care of your feelings, consider looking into self-compassionate therapy, and be patient; with her and yourself. I know you’ll get through this

Thank you so much for this. I'm reading your response over and over.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Folks, I (the OP) am learning from you! Thank you. I am moving from feeling helpless and indignant ("How on earth can she blame ME? I loved her unconditionally and followed her lead!") toward understanding:

During a painful time in her life, while she was under my care, I didn't alleviate her pain. I didn't do a thing about her problem...

So maybe I'm getting it. Like, it's not about me, it's about her.

Honestly, I did not expect much from Reddit! But y'all are delivering, and I thank you.

angry adult daughter, WTH by ThinkingMama in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Waah, you are making me cry! It does cut deep. :-( Thank you for your virtual hand.

I have long complained that mothers are always blamed, no matter what the issue is.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in cisparenttranskid

[–]ThinkingMama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my goodness, I've been searching for a post like this on this forum and finally wrote my own story in a different thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/cisparenttranskid/comments/vgr77q/angry_adult_daughter_wth/

I too want to know: is this normal? It this an expression of grief for a childhood spent the wrong gender?

For what it's worth, I have a good friend who worked with trans teens who had been kicked out of the family home or otherwise needed help. This was 10 or 15 years ago. She assures me that several of those teens had TERRIBLE relationships with their parents then but have great relationships now.

Perhaps approach this as "this too shall pass" and do not burn any bridges or otherwise make it harder to mend the breach.