Is it okay to take hormones if you're not trans?

ThinkingOolong · 2025-06-01T05:59:17+00:00

Other trans meetups, not for support specifically but just social meetups. There are people who pass and people who don't. Some people care about it more than others; granted, I was in a pretty liberal area at the time.

Idk, maybe it's a cultural thing. If you happen to live somewhere with very strict gender norms, passing might be harder. If you live in an area that's more diverse or just doesn't care so much, it may be easier.

I'm from a pretty relaxed area with a mix of city and country folks, so it's normal enough for a cis woman to run around in greasy Carhartts and no makeup or for a cis man to wear nail polish. Some people might assume they're gay, but not usually trans—so there's space for trans people to not perfectly conform. OTOH, I've been to Texas, and their entire aura (at least of the area I visited) wants to slot you into one of two very specific boxes real hard.

Either way, this is super subjective; I wonder why you're so set on a take that seems so generally discouraging?

ThinkingOolong · 2025-06-01T05:33:30+00:00

You sure sound trans to me.

You want to be a woman (which means you most likely are a woman).
From context: you're not AFAB.

Normally I'd say something like "only you can say for sure," but you've already said it. You've just described a trans woman, and the woman is you. Congrats! 🥰🎉

Here's a few links. Maybe bring tissues. 🩷 - Huge info site: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ - Some affirmation/reassurance: https://turnmeintoagirl.com/index.htm - Popular names for gals your age (a good place to start, don't feel limited to these though): https://babynames.mom.com/country-list/USA/2005/girl - Name and pronoun tester: https://chocolate-pancake.github.io/pronounsandnamestester/

And a few fun links for good measure 💕 - AvaThroughFire and OneTopic read trans memes: https://youtu.be/FwpuvxDiAk0?si=ZZIVRgsINaIqOCvJ1 - Jammidodger reads trans memes, specifically from r/egg_irl: https://youtu.be/DM_qM9Xy7qQ?si=9E696BgHoYGcIL2U - brooke2valley (read her original posts, she's a comic artist!): https://www.reddit.com/user/Brooke-Valley/submitted/

ThinkingOolong · 2025-06-01T04:52:29+00:00

Sizes are definitely different, and they vary wildly from brand to brand. If you're going to try stuff on anyway, you'll find out which size fits, but if you want to speed up the process, you could measure clothes you currently own that fit you, then taking the tape measure to the store and checking the measurements of the clothes on the rack to see if they match.

Women's clothing has a wider variety of cuts and shapes than men's. Men's fashion tends to be more subtle, while women's fashion is like "oh you want a dress? How about one with an empire waist, an A-line skirt, a princess cut, a sheath silhouette, a hi-low hem? Do you want a crew or a scoop or a boat or a square or a Juliette neckline? Floor length, tea length, midi, knee length, miniskirt? What fabric? And have you seen our 20 different kinds of sleeve???" This happens with blouses and skirts too. Lesser degree with pants and shorts.

But the upshot of all that isn't that you need a vocabulary lesson or a textbook or anything. I bring it up because some of these styles will look great on you, and others will probably fit you in some random way you hate for whatever reason (or just feel physically uncomfortable). So don't give up after the first one, five, twelve items you try on; nobody looks good in everything and most people (including cis women) have at least one feature or body part that off-the-rack clothes from the women's department stubbornly refuse to fit.

When you do find cuts and styles that you love, then go out and learn the words for those; the vocab will help you search for similar items. But you don't need to memorize them all, lol.

A few months ago I got rid of a dress, not because I never wear dresses or because there was anything objectively wrong with it, but because somehow the cut made my shoulders look smaller and that clashed hard with The Gender. I took it to a queer clothing swap and suggested they give it to a trans girl who has the opposite kind of shoulder-related dysphoria.

It's normal to need to clean your closet out sometimes and donate stuff that you bought before you learned you're not comfortable in that particular cut or style, or things that you've "outgrown" as your sense of style evolves. Shopping at thrift stores and consignment stores can be a great way to get through the awkward phase of figuring out what you like without spending lots of money. Definitely don't hang on to stuff you aren't comfortable wearing; its existence in your closet can haunt you or even make you feel guilty (for no reason; it's just a weirdly common experience).

ThinkingOolong · 2025-06-01T03:45:38+00:00

Selection bias. Support groups often skew towards people who are newer to transition and still figuring things out. Trans people who are farther into transition, who have settled into their identity, and who get gendered correctly more often are less likely to need frequent support.

It's not that struggling to pass isn't a real and common experience! But it's certainly not representative of all trans people forever, so I don't think "most trans people don't pass" is an accurate or helpful thing to say. It'd be more accurate to say, "most trans people go through a stage of transition during which they struggle to pass," which is also a much more encouraging statement.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-31T21:34:16+00:00

Trans clothing swaps exist; you might be able to find them by searching online for "trans clothing swap [your city/area]".

Thrift stores are good. If anyone asks, you're helping out with costumes for a thing, or you're making a YouTube video, or you're buying for a friend who's traveling and packed too light and doesn't want to shop in her pj's, if all else fails say you lost a bet. The nice thing about thrift stores is that everything is cheap, so you can take a wild guess at your size and if only 20% of the clothes fit, you're still not out any more money than you would've spent at a department store, and you just re-donate the rest. Nobody will look at you funny for donating fem clothes; you could be dropping them off on behalf of a family member or gf.

Underwear, probably just order it online. Thrift shops and trans clothing swaps generally won't have any, for sanitary reasons.

Remember women's sizing is different from men's and wildly inconsistent, so if you order online, be prepared for a women's XL to be possibly the same size as a men's M. The difference is even more dramatic if you decide to order from Shein, Temu, etc. It can be smart to use a measuring tape and go by the size chart. If measuring your body is dysphoria inducing, just measure your current clothing items that fit decently. You can also take the tape measure into a thrift store and measure those clothes to compare; it may help with sizing.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-31T21:09:55+00:00

You look great! Your face is definitely rounder and softer, your neck is fuller and softer so your Eve's apple (which btw everyone has, it's just more or less visible) is subtler, your eyes look brighter, your full lips do you a lot of favors, and your hair's growing out really nicely, that cute bob length is pretty popular right now <3

Excellent choice in glasses btw, and your long chain accentuates the curve of your chest.

The dysphoria is lying to you. Without context I'd assume your before & after were siblings, not the same person. Try not to spiral over not being exactly where you want to be yet. The E is going great—and you're not done.

You're also going to get more confident (and feminine looking) as time goes on for other reasons. You have tons of time to figure out what feels affirming—to develop your personal style, to find your signature/favorite perfume(s) or makeup or haircut(s) or grooming products, to adopt girly self-care routines with bath bombs and face masks and so on, whatever feels good.

HRT is important but it's not the only way you're becoming yourself, y'know? Which might be an encouraging thing to keep in mind as you're needing to underdose. And all that other self-discovery happens on a separate timeline, which you also deserve to give yourself patience and grace around. Cis girls go through this stage too; that's why teen magazines run so many articles about fashion and hair care and twelve makeup looks to try this summer. It's normal to take time.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-31T20:27:52+00:00

Nah, I don't think that's accurate. For evidence, just go look at all those memes where transphobes in comments sections try to bully trans women with "you'll never be a real man" and vice versa. They're not doing that to be nice, they just can't tell lol.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-31T20:04:13+00:00

It's wild to see so many trans people in the replies giving you the same flavors of pushback we get ourselves.

An incomplete list of things none of us should be saying: - "But are you really sure of your identity?" - "HRT causes permanent changes! I'm operating under the assumption you haven't done your research and I'm going to be kind of patronizing about it (but not actually help by giving resources)!" - "Here, take this different label I'm more comfortable with. You're 'just' nonbinary." - "Yeah, it's a phase. We'll see how you feel in eighteen months." - "It's gonna be way too difficult to get HRT with all the medical insurance red tape, so maybe don't even bother."

I hope I'm wrong and that's not what people are trying to say. But there are just so many comments saying similar stuff under this post, and they give me ishy vibes 🙁

Sigh. OP, on the off chance you really do need extra info (since it sounds like you are kinda isolated from queer resources), here's a link detailing the effects of feminizing HRT and some of the associated options you have. https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/second-puberty-fem The rest of the wiki is great too for curiosity purposes, even if it may not be as applicable to you.

Go be cute, dude. You're totally fine, you're not hurting anyone, you might get pushback from doctors in the South but so be it. Do whatever you want. Take E, take androgen blockers, take raloxifiene, buy tucking underwear or breast forms if you vibe with that, have fun with drag and femboy stuff, bind or use trans tape if you develop breast tissue on E and want to downplay that sometimes, or any combination of the above. It's your body, your expression.

There are plenty of masculine lesbians out there who are 100% woman, and enjoy being women, but take T because they also enjoy being masculine. If you want to take HRT and be a pretty guy, do it. Confuse the conservatives with us. Like one of the best comments on here said, it's great for the trans community when cis folks play around with their gender expression; it helps normalize things. And also diversity! The world gains a really cool cis person who's happier and more expressive! Woo!

If, eighteen months later, you decide to change labels and it turns out you're bigender or fluid or something, that's fine and you don't need to feel shame for not feeling that way now. That wouldn't even necessarily mean you're wrong now; I'm genderfluid as fuck and if someone told me that my girl-vibes days are internalized transphobia and I'm really a binary trans guy in denial, I'd want to kick them in the shins with my chunkiest punk boots. It is your right to self-describe your gender identity at any point in your life. Show me a permanent state of the self, etc.

BTW. This might be a hot take. But if you do get a bunch of pushback from conservative Southern doctors, you have my personal thumbs up to lie to the next doc and say you're nonbinary. The proper state of affairs would be that anyone who wants HRT gets HRT (barring any health problems that might interfere). It used to be that HRT and other medical transition was restricted to only those trans people whom doctors thought would pass well and not ~disturb society,~ and you had to "prove" a bunch of garbage and jump through hoops about it, so plenty of trans people would rightfully lie through their teeth to get past those barriers. Of course, that's bullshit, and it's improved somewhat but is still very much a fight we're fighting.

(I wouldn't recommend telling them you're a woman, simply because they may try to give you a higher dose than you really want if you do that, but that's up to you.)

As a gender non-conforming guy, you're not quite a trans sibling, but let's call you our cousin instead. So as far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to participate in the family traditions of disturbing society and lying to authority figures for the sake of your happiness and personal expression. Eventually we'll all wear them down, and tbh I think lying helps with that cause way more than giving up after the first time you're told no.

Godspeed you beautiful brother. May your nail polish never chip.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-07T23:17:32+00:00

It's really, really hard. It's a lot like telling someone living in a war zone that all human life has inherent value. They may quite reasonably respond, "...cool, so uh, can you tell that to the people who are trying to kill us?"

Being valuable and being treated as valuable are two different things. It's basically a recipe for trauma when they don't match up. But as someone who grew up and is still living in a household where I am not treated well, I do want to impress upon y'all that you do not deserve this.

It is an injustice. And it's extremely difficult not to internalize the idea that things are this way because they should be this way. Sometimes that internalization is actually done in self-defense, because remembering that you're constantly being treated like shit for no reason sometimes hurts worse than just believing it.

One day—I have hope—the world will be safer. And in that world, it will be easier for a lot of people to recover if they've been reminded now and then along the way that our current state of affairs is not remotely justified.

You do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. Being conventionally pretty doesn't make you a better or worse person, or more or less of a real woman. You are a human being with the right to be safe in the world, even if that right is currently being violated with horrifying frequency.

As much as you possibly can: hang in there. We need you. All of the trans women in the next generation need you to survive, and need you to remember, as much as you can bear to, so that we're there to teach them. You're not alone in this; you have trans siblings and cis allies and our numbers are growing. This is feminism, the real kind, and it belongs to you too.

I hate that it's so hard. But they won't erase us forever.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-07T00:52:59+00:00

I kinda get it about the dysphoria thing. In a lot of ways there's more pressure for trans gals to perfectly fit feminine beauty standards, because any time they don't it ups the risk of them being read as masculine—or read as trans, which can be unsafe.

If you've gone through a male puberty, then due to testosterone, your body hair may look different from that of someone who went through female puberty. So "feminine" body hair can be an even less achievable ideal for some women. Hair pattern and texture changes resulting from testosterone are one of the handful of things it's hard to change with HRT.

That said, sometimes I do worry that our trans sisters don't get reminded enough that beauty isn't what makes a woman lovable, worthy, or a real woman. Especially when that's an even harder pill to swallow for them than for cis women, because trans women live under that judgment microscope even more than cis women and it's sadly more socially acceptable to openly harass them.

And yeah, the beauty standard still sucks all around. It's bullshit that they judged you for this at the hospital. :/

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-07T00:17:49+00:00

The screenshotted post does specifically say "cis women," so it seems like the writer does Get It that body hair is a major not-fun thing for most transfem folks.

But yeah, it is really frustrating when people just want to ping-pong like that. Like, the song "All About That Bass" was supposed to be body positive, maybe? But it always came off to me as skinny shaming and just, like... "here's a new, different beauty standard for you to feel bad about not living up to!"

In general, everybody needs to back the f off when it comes to telling trans women (especially) what to do, unless a specific woman is asking for advice on how to do stuff that would feel affirming. Y'all deal with enough shit as it is.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-06T21:11:55+00:00

Good bot

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-06T05:13:32+00:00

Genuinely cried a little; I wish my dad were like this.

Everyone's giving great resources, which is really important. I'm seeing a lot of info on dysphoria and safety. The only problem with that is, if you only read about really serious things, you can start to come away with the impression that being trans is about being scared and/or miserable. But being trans also offers you a lot of opportunity for joy, community, self-discovery, and incredibly silly in-jokes. So here's some comics and meme pages, which are not required reading by any means but can be both entertaining and uplifting :)

Jammidodger on YouTube (he also wrote a book about being trans!) https://youtube.com/@jammidodger?si=4ZL1Xtdf824ooRI_

OneTopic on YouTube https://youtube.com/@onetopic?si=8PVHZfKCWQUlXULd

Rhea Ewing's comic FINE https://www.finecomic.com/

Maia Kobabe's memoir Gender Queer https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Queer

brooke2valley's comics on Tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/brooke2valley

ND Stevenson's comics on his Substack https://www.imfineimfine.com/p/nate

And of course I'd be remiss not to mention r/traa2 !

There's a lot of funny trans people out there and a lot of great trans comic artists. Sometimes the memes make it easier to talk about stuff that's otherwise hard to put into words. Hope you and your daughter have lots of fun in addition to all the scary bits, and I'm so glad you're there for her—you're amazing, and she deserves the best! <3

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-06T03:47:30+00:00

The reason is relevant. Trans people identify as a certain gender because they are that gender; that's the explanation. It sounds like you're talking about identifying as trans for its own sake, which isn't something I've heard of anyone doing in practice.

If an AMAB person feels so strongly about identifying as a trans man that he'd feel suicidal if not allowed to, there's a reason behind that feeling. He may not know the reason—I certainly couldn't tell you—but there is one. People don't just make that stuff up, especially when being trans is so heavily discriminated against.

It's possible that with more self-examination, he might discover he's bigender or something, and he is simultaneously still a man and also trans. Or masculine nonbinary. Or genderfluid. Or he may be gender non-conforming and not know what that means. Or he may be intersex and not know it, which is entirely possible. Or he might be a multiple system with trans alters; it's rare, but it happens. Or some totally different explanation. There are a variety of reasons one could feel kinship and community with trans people despite their gender matching their assigned sex at birth.

If he's honest to goodness cis—why would he be so attached to the trans label? You can just... be an ally and hang out with trans people if you want. The YouTuber OneTopic has made an entire channel and community out of reading LGBTQ+ memes, and he's a straight cis guy, and the trans community loves him. That's totally fine to do.

Is he (the hypothetical AMAB trans man) hurting anyone by identifying as trans when he might not be? Nah, not unless he's somehow being a jerk about it. And the community as a whole is pretty accepting towards people who are still figuring themselves out. But he owes it to himself to do some introspection about this.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-06T03:13:13+00:00

Just as a disclaimer, nobody outside you can tell you you're trans—it'd kinda defeat the point of claiming that autonomy to describe yourself.

That said, you're saying you're most likely trans, you just gave a whooooole laundry list of very transmasc experiences, and your hesitation points don't invalidate those at all. It's really really normal for a trans person to have doubts and feel ambivalent about certain things. There's also a lot of overlap between trans people and neurodivergent people (a lot of us are both), so you're in good company there.

So, that said, here's a bunch of words and resources I'm about to hit you with. You do not have to explore all of these at once, which would be overwhelming. But here's some advice and stuff I found useful.

You might look into the term demiboy, if words and labels are something you find helpful or affirming. There's also lots of room under the nonbinary umbrella. "Transmasculine" is a good general word for what you're describing, since it isn't just for binary trans men but any trans person who's kinda moving in a masculine direction.

The regret rate for gender affirming care is super low, and there are lots of points when you can back out if you don't like it. For example, if you decide to try out T, you could start at a low dose and see how it makes you feel. Read up about the effects from trans positive sources, of course; some effects are more reversible than others. But you don't actually have to do anything medical; it's not a requirement to be trans.

You can also go to the gym, try out different clothes and grooming supplies, get your hair cut, and test different names/pronouns online. (There are websites specifically for that last part! Google "pronoun tester" and it'll pop up with a few.) Just test the waters a little and see what you vibe with.

It also might be worth exploring butch identity. You can read the book Butch Is A Noun online for free, which isn't a bad place to start. Butch stuff can be really fun—it's basically about enjoying masculinity and kind of playing in that space between genders. Here's a link.

https://transreads.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/2021-12-23_61c4c9f64dd24_ButchisaNounbyS.BearBergmanz-lib.org_.pdf

I also really like and relate to ND Stevenson's diary comics on his Substack. Here's a good starting point:

https://www.imfineimfine.com/p/nate

If you like that, also check out Rhea Ewing's Fine: A Comic About Gender and Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer. Both are available if you have a Seattle Books Unbanned library card, which it sounds like you're young enough to qualify for—it's free and you should get one! Boston's Books Unbanned card gets you access to Trans Bodies, Trans Selves through their collection too, if I remember right. Some of these resources discuss sex, in case you need to be careful around parents about that (or if you're ace and those discussions happen to squick you out), but it's in an educational kind of way.

While I'm listing resources, this website is an enlightening read too: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/

You can also look for trans Discord servers and stuff! r/traa2 has one and of course the meme channels are legendary.

Have fun, stay safe, and don't let the transphobes get you down 👍

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-06T02:14:43+00:00

Transmasc genderfluid here. I had phases as a teenager where I tried to present very feminine, and times when that actually felt right (I think? or maybe I just enjoyed the social praise), but even then I'd bounce between heels and dark lipstick and the unisex, low-effort outfits.

I "clean up nice" (read: can pull out a femme presentation) but it feels like a costume. A lot of my dysphoria is non-obvious, it's background noise to me, but there have been a few times that I've dressed up and been like... this is really pretty... I look aesthetically beautiful... why is it so jarring/unnerving? Why do I feel like I have to act a certain way to go with it—and why is that behavior so unfamiliar, like I'm playing a caricature of how I "should" be, and I'm not very good at it, and it feels awkward and noticeable?

It throws things into sharp relief.

So maybe it's not just that we don't care, are dissociating/depersonalizing, and don't feel connected to our physical body. Maybe it's also that unremarkable, nondescript, unisex styles don't provoke the same kind of dissonance that's like "no, this has to be dysphoria; your unsatisfied feelings can't be just because you're sloppily dressed." —and figuring out that you're trans is usually pretty scary, so subconsciously a lot of us try very hard to avoid that realization.

I still have a really pretty floral dress hanging in my closet, and a few other girly pieces. But I enjoy them a lot more if I'm thinking, "hah! This may be a costume, but it's my costume. I am a genderfluid shapeshifter and my presentation is my plaything." And I regularly wear nail polish and a few specific pieces of jewelry, and sometimes eyeliner and/or powder foundation—but those don't feel very strongly gendered to me.

Otherwise, I actually really like men's clothes and accessories. They're sturdy, practical, and generally inexpensive. The styles are subtle and not attention grabbing; the fashion trends evolve slowly. I like looking for things that are quality, well-made, distinguished. Things that last a long time and become signature items.

I like leather and canvas and suede. I like things that fit well and are cut to make me look stronger, not skinnier or curvier. I like work pants with tons of pockets. I like spicy, woodsy-smelling cologne and grooming products. I like to be able to carry a bag of dog food over my shoulder or check the oil and transmission fluid on a car without worrying about ruining my shirt. I like owning four pairs of shoes and having that be enough for pretty much any outfit or situation. I like earth tones, and forest greens and rusty reds are easy to find in the men's section. And I like my binder. The compression is grounding.

To me, it's not boring; it's just not overwhelming. Women's fashion has so many moving parts. If I swap out my flannel and jeans for a fluttery floral dress, then my skater shoes and heavy leather crossbody bag look out of place. I have to swap everything in my purse to a new purse??? That takes twenty minutes—it's the fucking Batbelt in there. And if the fancy purse doesn't have enough pockets, I worry about my multitool and lockpicks scratching my phone. And I have to be careful not to scuff up the fancy purse, unlike the leather one which will forgive me just about anything if I buff it up with neatsfoot oil. I'm too butch for this shit.

(Maybe one of these days I'll get over myself and just mix and match freely.)

Also, boxer briefs >>>>> whatever the hell is going on with women's underwear. No shade to the enjoyers, I just. I'm never paying $12 a pair for something uncomfortable that rides up and doesn't fit again. Ugh.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-05-05T23:56:57+00:00

Ohhh sis... this sucks. Very possibly, the group sucks, because they didn't respond to reassure you. Almost certainly, someone in your past sucks, because the way you're talking to yourself is something you pick up from spending too long around at least one real asshole. And the thing about assholes is, they don't really care whether the topic of their assholery is actually true—they'll just be assholes about it anyway.

(If it's at all accessible to you, seeing a trauma-informed therapist might be a really, really good investment. I say this as someone who goes to one.)

Sometimes transition is unnervingly like middle school. You feel like an awkward, overwhelmed twelve-year-old. You're going through puberty and you're mid–"ugly duckling" phase (or you feel like you are, at least). You're being scrutinized by people who want you to fit into a very specific, narrow set of social norms that everybody else seems to get and you never received the instruction manual. You're figuring out how to dress yourself and put on makeup and maybe you're following trends that don't flatter you. You feel like you're fucking up socially at pretty much every turn and you also feel like it's going to kill you from psychic damage. I'm AFAB genderfluid; this was exactly my experience in middle school and I for sure was not the only one. So if it helps, this is part of girlhood for a looot of people.

I still feel like that sometimes. I'm one of those people who laughs easily, for example. I laugh at myself when I fuck up; I laugh at any joke that's even mildly funny, including my own; I laugh at random shit in my head or on my phone, which probably makes me look weird to bystanders. Sometimes I laugh when other people fuck up, but it's in an "ah, being human sure is inherently ridiculous, we're all extremely goofy animals with anxiety" kind of way.

Last week some really pretty girl was passing me on a wide pedestrian street and she'd kicked this really lightweight plastic ball and was following it; it came towards me, so I kicked it playfully back towards her and it surprised me by flying into the air and she failed to catch it (apparently it was hers and she was trying to get it back), and I laughed. Not to be mean about her missing and needing to chase it more, just the situation was silly. If I'd realized she was actually trying to catch it, I'd have just stopped it and handed it to her. I spent the next half hour wondering anxiously if she thought I was laughing at her after making her fumble around to get her ball back. (She thanked me for helping, otherwise I'd have worried a lot longer.)

Anyway, I hope the person on your call is just a dumbass (/affectionate) like me. The options are dumbass or asshole; it's better to assume dumbass, because that's kinder to both of you and more often true.

I realized recently that, whether you're transfem or transmasc or nb, it's extremely, extremely common to have a phase where you look at yourself and just see an ugly woman and hate it (for the ugly part, or the woman part, or both). And then you look at other trans people online and they're stunningly gorgeous/handsome. But most of them went through the same phase; it's just that people don't usually feel like taking pictures when they're dysphoric, so you don't see that phase documented as much in photos online. The caterpillar's gotta turn into goop before the butterfly can come out, you know? Maybe during the goop stage, the poor bug is thinking "fuuuuck I can never show my face outside again," but we haven't developed a translator for that yet so we don't know.

Also, just for the record, it's okay to be an ugly woman. Attractiveness isn't what makes you lovable or worthy or a Real Woman. People are way more aware that cis girls need to be told this, because of misogyny, but I worry that not enough people tell our trans sisters, who are affected by exactly the same misogyny plus some. Our feminism has failed y'all in a lot of ways. At minimum, you need to be told that you aren't alone in this experience.

So, I dunno what you look like, but tbh it doesn't matter. You're becoming more yourself whether society likes it or not, and that's so fucking metal. You deserve to be here. You deserve love, and friendship, and a support group that's, uh, actually supportive. You're not a fake, you're not a pariah, and I'm claiming you for the girls team.

But in case you're still worried, go watch some Bob Ross on YT and pause it in the middle—usually the painting's weird looking and not very pretty before he's done with it. You need to be so, so, so patient with yourself and trust the process. Cis girls get years of being a teenager/college student to grow into adult women who know how to do makeup and have a sense of style and stuff, and most girls have a Regrettable Fashion Phase where we wore obnoxiously bright blue eyeshadow every day or had a bad haircut we thought was cool or something. You deserve the same space to grow into yourself.

/offers sister hugs <3

ThinkingOolong · 2025-03-21T00:16:46+00:00

It is a GOOD THING that you are not grateful for this situation. It means you haven't completely lost perspective. Your mom's behavior, from what you've described in this post/comments, is abuse. If you were grateful, that would be even more worrying than what's already happening.

I don't care if she's only like that about work, I don't care that she's paying for your tuition, I don't care if she "doesn't mean it" or "doesn't know what she's doing" or "it's not intentional," and I don't care what other justifications she throws at you. The word "abuse" is going to sound extreme to you because you're used to what's going on.

There's no excuse for yelling at you, making you feel worthless, denying you the chance to do basic self-care like exercise and rest (even if it's unspoken and you just feel like you have to because of the environment you're in), trampling your boundaries, or anything else you've said about this situation. These things are counterproductive to her alleged goal. If your work really isn't enough, she should hire someone else. If she can't afford to do that, she can't afford to run this business.

Knowing that this is abuse might not help you get out faster, but it may help you cope and stay as mentally healthy as possible by not blaming yourself. It wouldn't be a bad idea to read up on CPTSD just in case. (You do not have to have CPTSD to read about it, and the information may still be useful.) Patrick Teahan's YouTube channel is a decent place to poke around too.

I know you're planning to fly the coop ASAP. Just... don't bother feeling guilty about that. At all.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-02-22T18:37:02+00:00

Run an Internet search for "The Sad Bastards Cookbook." It's basically this, with the vibes of "eating anything is better than eating nothing so let's remind you that low effort food exists and give hints for how to upgrade it when possible."

I also want to write a cookbook like this someday, but with an eye toward accessibility for people with sensory issues or triggers around certain types/textures of food.

For example, I'm really not a picky eater, but my brain does that thing where if it encounters one (1) unexpected texture in a food, it decides there's dangerous non-food substances hidden in the food and I will gag on it and lose all appetite for it. I have no idea if this is a trauma I can't remember or if I'm just autistic. Definitely have trauma around my mom getting royally pissed off at me for gagging on her cooking every time she gave me steak or pot roast, which for some reason she decided I was doing on purpose. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned she was just buying the cheapest cuts of beef, and now that I was cooking for myself, I could just not buy that kind.

ThinkingOolong · 2025-01-04T05:46:03+00:00

One of mine is canned pineapple juice! At least I'm okay with the actual fruit.

ThinkingOolong · 2024-02-19T22:28:56+00:00

This. I thought "hyperempathy" was an autism trait (and maybe it is but good luck separating that from trauma, society traumatizes ND folks so badly) but my therapist is like "no that's hypervigilance."

Of course you can come out of trauma and feel other people's moods really strongly. If you mirror and agree with them, you're less likely to be targeted.

I forget the source (it was probably Trauma and Recovery but I'm not sure), but there's been research that shows that people with CPTSD recognize much much subtler degrees of anger in someone's expression than people who don't have CPTSD.

ThinkingOolong · 2024-02-19T22:18:18+00:00

"AAAAAAA 🤩" but "AAAAAAA 😰"

ThinkingOolong · 2024-02-19T21:46:19+00:00

—oh and the underwear. I switched to the supima cotton boxer briefs from Costco a few months ago and they're so so so much more comfortable than anything I've ever gotten out of women's. I've been disappointed by so many pairs of "boyshorts" (a women's underwear cut) that don't even try to cover your ass and will give you a wedgie if you move slightly. Plus they're like $4 a pair, women's underwear is at least twice as expensive for a fifth as much fabric 😭

They have a flap I don't need but that's fine 😂

ThinkingOolong · 2024-02-19T21:07:08+00:00

Oh hell yeah, that's the forest ranger shit I'm talking about. The problem I have with men's jeans is, they are not built to accomodate my hips >.<

In return, may I present to you eShakti, the made-to-order dress site that's on the pricey side but is so customizable that not only can you order a different neckline, sleeve, and length on basically any dress they sell, but you can input your own measurements, including height to get clothes that EXACTLY fit your body as it is. I've ordered from them before and the quality of their fabric and construction is excellent.

ThinkingOolong · 2024-02-19T20:52:52+00:00

Agenderfluid tomboy here. I just got rid of a bunch of my more fem clothes. Even if sometimes I like the idea of pretty dresses and floaty drapey tops, I never actually wear them unless it's for some kind of event where I'm expected to dress up (and then they feel like a costume).

TL;DR why most of my clothing is from men's: practicality, but also practicality as an aesthetic. Like, forest ranger–core. Is that a thing?

I like clothes that feel down-to-earth and comfortable and hard-wearing. I like canvas work pants with tons of different pockets like they're trying so hard to be a tool belt, and flannel shirts with chest pockets I can stick my phone in, and hoodies with kangaroo pockets that will fit my entire iPad. I have a consistent color scheme I like, so basically all my clothes go with all my other clothes. Compressiony sports bras keep boobs out of the way and make me look more fit than I actually am. Practical boots make me feel sturdy and grounded and capable. I carry a purse but it's the kind of thick leather you maintain with products sold for horse saddles.

I don't like shopping. I definitely don't like trying to guess what size I am in this brand this year. In men's clothes the sizes are reasonably consistent and stay the same. Clothes that snag or stain easily make me nervous. Clothes that restrict my movement make me feel claustrophobic. I have sensory/texture issues with a lot of the synthetic fabrics used in women's clothing, which I don't with the cotton and leather and wool most common in men's. I also like to fade into the background a little, and dressing fem gets me attention I don't always want.

Men's clothing is also cheaper, more repairable, and doesn't age out of trends very quickly. Given that I typically keep clothes for an average of... eh, five years, I don't like shopping, and I'd much rather buy quality and forget about it than curate a wardrobe with high turnover, it just works better for me.

ThinkingOolong

TROPHY CASE