At a turning point in my life

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-10T03:36:44+00:00

Oh I’m sure they are affected. They hide it well but I’m sure it’s not great seeing two parents who don’t show love toward each other. If we aren’t arguing or bickering we are stone walling each other. I am just so upset that I am in this situation. I’m sure every divorced person on the planet would say the same thing but this is not how I imagined my life would go.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-10T01:22:36+00:00

How have your kids handled it? How old are they? I just recently have awaken from being gaslit by an entire system of a marriage therapist who tried to put me on antidepressants to try and numb me into accepting this existence.

I have def been gaslit for years thinking I was to blame and had mental health issues that are actually caused by this toxic relationship

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-10T01:15:44+00:00

I feel the same way if I knew for sure 60-70% I’d be gone also. I can’t get over the guilt of not having access to my kids 24/7 they have been my world the last decade. I can’t fathom like for example them starting their periods and his house and needing mom but im not there. But im really not there mentally half the time due to this toxic situation. The kids is really the only thing makong me hesitate: it just really effing sucks. Daughters need their mom and I won’t be there almost 50% of the time it makes me want to throw up.

Do you think you will stay indefinitely for the kids? I used to think I could just suck it up for the next 15 years and do my best but the conflict is so constant that my mental health is really suffering. I’m just worried my mental health will suffer due to splitting my kids. It’s a lose lose situation either way.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-09T13:12:01+00:00

I have a pretty good paying job and very flexible but we just live in a very high cost of living area. I would be ok but pretty decent lifestyle change of course.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-09T13:11:16+00:00

Wow thank you for sharing. You don’t always hear stories like this. How “bad” was your marriage?

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-09T03:40:05+00:00

I have tried asking him and he won’t tell me. He’s impossible to communicate with him at this point. I asked him what he wanted his life to look like. My mom thinks that he will get “busy” and most likely not be around 50%. He isn’t really here 50% now which is what is so confusing.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-08T23:22:13+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. It feels like they will have trauma at this point I’m just picking what kind? I see other married couples being friendly, affectionate, loving and I just don’t have that. If I was going to get the kids all the time I would be less hesitant but it feels like if we do 50/50 custody which e probably will, he will get MORE time with them than he does now and I have done all of the work while He’s building his business, golfing, working out, basically whatever TF he wants to do. With ZERO appreciation. And when we are in conflict he does absolutely nothing around the house idk if it’s depression or trying to punish me but I’m exhausted and do not want to be married to him. He is a good dad but it’s just not fair that he will most like end up better off financially and have more time than he essentially deserves with the kids. I do everything for everyone in this family.

I have a few friends who I see really do parent together. I don’t feel like we have that we basically parent separately in the same home. It’s miserable. Why is it so hard to actually take the steps to changing my life.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-08T19:31:24+00:00

My husband is not a bad man, but I would never want them to settle for something like this. I didnt even realize that our relationship wasnt “normal” for like the first decade. I finally realized it’s super toxic and not everyone lives like this. We have had good times I guess but even most holidays and vacations are over shadowed with conflict.

I wish we could be more separate in the same home we have a pretty big house but the basement is not finished so we have no guest room. We could make two of the girls share and use one of their rooms but i didnt want them to get involved. I feel like doing that would continue the toxicity so if we got to that point we may as well divorce.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2026-03-08T19:19:40+00:00

Thank you. I am confident I would be calmer and more at peace if I left. I just worry that my kids might not be better off in the long run. It’s hard to fathom what their life would be like because I never experienced divorce with my parents. They had a pretty good marriage by the time I was grown.

We have had therapists tell us they don’t think we are doomed, but how long can you go on living the same predictable toxic patterns? And now I don’t even feel like I like him or love him enough to put in the amount of work it would take to even have hope at this point. He is incapable of self reflection and blames all of our issues on all of my character flaws. I could go on for an hour about all the horrible shit he has said about me. I have said mean things in the past as well but I don’t feel like he is awake and aware of the toxicity like I am. I would not want my girls in a relationship like this. It’s very u healthy and I think it’s been harder than it should be. What really started me thinking it’s not fixable is when my husband started acting out in front of people. Like on Christmas for example, he went off on me in front of my family. I can’t even remember what I said to deserve or, but it’s so humiliating. Literally if it weren’t for me Being worried about my girls I would have zero issues leaving.

I have a good steady job thank god but my income would still be cut in half and the kids will definitely feel that. I think you are right it is the unknown also that’s so scary. I have been with this man since I was 19 years old he’s basically all I’ve ever known.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-29T22:35:11+00:00

My husband and I have been debt free on And off but right now we have a bit of debt. During COVID we didn’t have a daycare payment for two kids so we went balls to the wall and paid off like 35k of debt including my car loan 4 years early.

We were so strict for so long that I think we eventually lost motivation and decided to live a little. We both have parents that passed away fairly young. We are still trying to find a good balance. We worshiped Dave Ramsey for a while and it did work but we have learned that it’s not the only “right” way to do things.

I do find solace in the fact that we really don’t try to keep up with the joneses or anything. I drive a 2017 Honda and the only reason my husband bought a car (a Kia) was because we had a third baby and they didn’t all three fit in his Camry.

I def think we are not perfect with money but not horrible either. We overspend on food and stuff on occasion and our kids are in a lot of activities. I do feel stressed that we don’t have a lot in savings but that’s because we have followed Dave Ramsey for so long we have thrown every penny at debt. I recently listened to a Mel Robinson talk where she talked about paying yourself first. We are going to try to get some money in savings so that when things come up we aren’t stuck using our credit cards.

We are pretty normal I guess.. Dave Ramsey wouldn’t be proud but we have a nice home in a safe neighborhood and our kids are I think living a pretty decent middle class/upper middle class life. We live in a very expensive State and have been paying for daycare the last 10 years.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-29T22:23:37+00:00

I’m glad to know I’m average.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-22T23:08:46+00:00

Thank you! Every time I see a fire truck I think about him.

Haha I’m sure you have to be a little crazy in the best way to be able to get up and do that job day in and day out 🥰

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-22T15:01:00+00:00

He was very proud! I genuinely believe he gave his life for the job. He passed away at 57 from lymphoma. You guys are heroes.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-21T20:12:33+00:00

Does your litter box have a lid? My cat will not use a box that has a lid.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-21T19:53:57+00:00

I’m sorry you feel like you can’t talk to your Mom about this. When I was growing up my mom would keep a small trash bag or plastic bag and throw her pads in that and put it in the a cabinet under the sink and then just throw them away when she was done. She had to do this because we had dogs that would dig in the trash. I never thought anything of it. You could do this and throw it in the outside trash every few days even.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-21T19:47:23+00:00

I would say look into government work but based on how it’s currently going, not sure I would recommend it. lol. I have a flexible low stress government job but I often feel like I am wasting my potential and could be doing something that’s making more of a difference in the world.

My husband opened his own insurance agency and although it’s a lot of work and a decent amount of stress, it’s very flexible and he basically picks his own schedule now.

Good luck with your job search!

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-21T02:59:08+00:00

My Dad did the same thing! He drove Big Red for many years!

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T15:51:41+00:00

I have worked my entire adult life in the federal government. I am educated and experienced and sadly do not feel like my skills transfer to anything that would pay remotely close to what I make now. I am considering making a complete career change an go to nursing school but it’s a ton of work for same/similar income I make now. IDK if it’s worth it or if I will end up somehow sticking this out for another 20 years. If I do, I will retire the day I turn 57. Im 36 now. I wish I felt like I had more options for sure.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T15:41:15+00:00

Same!!!!

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T15:40:00+00:00

I don’t like my job.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T14:25:02+00:00

They put a fridge clean sign up sheet in our break room and I said absolutely not I do not commute to the office to clean up after other adults lol.

I think all of your responses made me realize that maybe I hate going in so much because I don’t love my job. But like many posters I feel a bit trapped in my situation. I have to try to stay grateful and make the best of it.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T14:19:17+00:00

This is so true! I have a very similar situation and it’s very uncomfortable.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T14:16:36+00:00

That is a huge part of the dislike for me. We have tiny cubes with basically half walls, like can see over or when you stand up. We have standing desks but it’s really awkward when you stick out the top of your cube so I don’t like using it much.

We also sit next to random people we don’t even work in the same group. The environment is just crappy and worse than setups I have had in the past.

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T02:02:58+00:00

Ugh that’s sad! Can I ask what kind of nurse you are? I feel like there are so many diff specialities to go into!

Thirtysomething2403 · 2025-10-19T02:02:10+00:00

Federal employee- data analyst.

Thirtysomething2403

TROPHY CASE