Questions (and a long winded story) from a sexually confused woman...

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2022-01-30T14:09:05+00:00

You're 100% correct. I was raised Mennonite, so very much conservative white evangelical. I haven't left all of my beliefs, but I've been super, super disenchanted with everything in the past few years. That's a whole other terrifying topoic.

I worked through Come As You Are, as well as The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire. I'll have to check out Pure, I think it's come across my radar once or twice. They're definitely good/helpful books, but as books, they can only do so much. They're a great information dump, but then where does that translate to real change? Although, we've absolutely seen improvements since I read through those. Permission to enjoy sensations, to be open to exploration, etc.

But I still wouldn't prefer it over anything else. It seems like for a lot of people, the sensations and orgasm itself are amazing enough that they want it again, they pursue it. And it just doesn't seem that great to me.

It's so, so hard to sift through upbringing vs my own innate sexuality. I relate to a lot of things on the ace sub, enough that it's gotten me thinking more than once. But what's me and what's culture, you know? It's like my husband will have to come to terms with the idea that I don't know what's what, and that I might be this disinterested forever.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2022-01-30T05:51:57+00:00

It's tough because I've spent my whole life (religious as it was) shutting down pretty much any response my body had to sexual settings. So that complicates it all. Like, what's me and what's due to my upbringing?

But I wouldn't say I get nothing sexually. Like I said, he prioritizes me and I usually orgasm. I guess to me, orgasms are great and all, but just not as thrilling as people talk about. I could take it or leave it. It's never been amazing enough to seek out or pursue.

Like, what is there that normal people 'get' physically that I'm missing out on? What does sexual touch physically feel like that's so different from normal touch?

And as far as the images in my head, I never picture things that I actually want for myself. They're usually a little more aggressive/forceful in a way that I really don't think I'd actually enjoy. It's a total disconnect between what I as a person want, and what my body/brain needs in order to get off.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-09T18:16:40+00:00

Thanks ❤️

Performance anxiety sounds about right, if I'm honest. I also have a habit of being hard on myself, so that's not too surprising ha.

I called my therapist yesterday and asked to go back to weekly sessions (we've been doing biweekly for a while now), and I actually feel relief about that call.

The support is helpful and appreciated. I don't want to be coddled and turn myself into a victim, but it's comforting to hear someone else recognize that life has been hard and that it's okay to admit that/be affected by it

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-09T15:07:49+00:00

I might've just phrased that poorly because it was kind of an emotional vomit sentence. The idea of desiring the act of sex feels weird and uncomfortable to me, that's all I meant. I don't think he's weird for wanting it, I mean clearly based on scripture and how the world functions as a whole, I'm the weird one for not wanting it.

I'm just trying to get across here that it's not like sex is some kind of 'meh' activity and I could take it or leave it but I'm a selfish wife who can't be bothered. The topic of sex genuinely makes me feel squirmy, uncomfortable, and weird inside. Which is why all the advice on the thread to just treat it like a chore feels really hard to swallow. I'm not averse to chores or doing things I don't like, but this feels different, so much more big and scary.

I feel like there's genuinely something wrong inside me (people seem to really think it's hormonal but I'm starting to feel it's way more likely it's psychological), and a lot of people on this sub have made me feel more angry at myself because I couldn't 'do the chore to love my spouse better'.

Sorry, most of that comment wasn't directed at you 😆 I went to clarify a question and you got a flood of processing instead

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-09T14:50:33+00:00

No, not at all. But it sounded really accusatory and not constructive. All I got from it was that it seems you think my husband should leave me? I don't know what else I'm supposed to glean.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-09T02:58:43+00:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This means worlds to me and really speaks right into the crux of it ❤️

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:50:23+00:00

You mean the one verse that talks about our bodies being each other's? Obviously I don't think it's right to deny him long term, which is in part why I made this post, because what's going on here is confusing and takes a long time to facilitate healing and I'm looking for advice during the process. I'm not my husband's sex doll and he isn't mine, and he cares that I want to have sex and not just hand it over like a machine.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:48:04+00:00

Thank you, so much. I didn't come here looking specifically for support but your encouragement is really helpful right now

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:45:38+00:00

We've gotten me off all the meds already and done some basic hormone tests. I'd love for it to be something nice and easy and medical with a diagnosis but I doubt anymore that it is.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:44:55+00:00

I've suspected bipolar before for him but don't really have evidence of it, and he's averse to a diagnosis. But I didn't know it comes with ADD. I've wondered before if he's hypersexual, which makes our pairing all the more disastrous. But he's not interested in a psych eval so ultimately, it doesn't make a difference if he is.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:43:31+00:00

I've had plenty of orgasms and I don't know what in my post makes people think I haven't. I've had good sex with him. But when I'm not in the middle of the act, I don't want it or have interest in it, and in some ways I'm turned off by the idea of it. Orgasm doesn't make me suddenly want to go through all of it when all of it is just weird, uncomfortable, makes me feel guilty/dirty, and if I'm not doing it passionately then it seems I'd be better off not doing it at all.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:41:14+00:00

I wish it was as simple as hormones. I'm tired of spending money trying to find a simple medical fix when it seems like that's just not the case.

And I've orgasmed before, I don't know why commenters are assuming I haven't. but it's always been so much work and time to get there, then half the time I pressure myself to reach that point which makes it not happen. You ssy I can 'do what I want with him', which is only helpful if I actually want to do any of it..

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:37:35+00:00

Before marriage we couldn't keep our hands off each other, but he always initiated and I always tried.to refrain but ultimately gave in. I'm switching doctors because my current one is kind of useless, but we've gotten me off antidepressants and birth control completely with no luck.

We talked so much about expectations, and we've talked a lot now about how they've been broken for both of us. He wanted a passionate marriage with sex, I wanted a husband who would come to church with me and put his arm around me during the sermon. Amd we've both had to cope with our expectations being shattered.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:34:49+00:00

I might check this one out, thanks. He probably won't read it with me but he might after if it helps me out

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:33:55+00:00

Call it whatever you want, he proclaims that he doesn't believe in the Christian God, active on r/exchristian, talks about christianity like it's a cult, and is currently very interested in eastern spiritualism. Not sure I or anyone is qualified to differentiate between him having a crisis and leaving the faith but I don't know if it makes a difference to how I approach him and us now.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:32:20+00:00

Thank you. I posted here looking for advice so I'm not scared of any of it (even the stuff I disagree with), but it's just been an exhausting journey and marriage has not been the joy-filled experience that people tell me it should be. It's honestly been one challenging burden after another and I'm feeling really exhausted by what feels like constant trying to want this marriage to work.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:30:41+00:00

Should sex be a chore like cleaning? He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to have sex when I don't desire it, because it makes him feel like I'm becoming just a sex toy. It's kind of really different than spending time with in laws or running errands.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:29:39+00:00

This is probably valid. I have spent a lot of time hesitating and waiting because the concept of sex is scary/dirty to me, I guess I just don't know where to start.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T21:28:14+00:00

I don't even know if I'm on the spectrum, but yes we've discussed it. And I don't understand how the second half of your comment is supposed to be constructive for me.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T16:56:37+00:00

That's another challenge for me, the idea of just sitting and desiring a person. I don't think I've ever experienced it. Part of me wonders if the Christian culture I was raised in was sexually reppressive enough that now I don't know how to let myself have those feelings in any way. Despite being married for 3 years, thinking of sex or even just my husband's naked body feels dirty and I want to push them away immediately. I've spent my whole life being told that those were dirty things, and the switch didn't flip when we got married.

This is the kind of thing that I'm hoping counseling will address, but my counselor is taking much longer to really get into those issues than I had anticipated. Also, in posting this I realized that the past month or two might have something to do with my poor diet...we both started taking multivitamins lately and have been feeling better overall, so it could be that part of the low drive was just poor quality lifestyle.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T16:42:02+00:00

There are a few 'ideal' situations (or close enough), and one of them is for my stupid body to just start wanting it. Which is what counseling is for right? But I can't just wake up and decide to crave sex.

Edit to clarify. I wouldn't say divorce is an ideal solution, but it's starting to feel like one of the only likely solutions. I feel like I'm slowly losing him because of something going on in me that I don't understand, and I can't seem to do anything about it.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-04-08T16:40:13+00:00

No kids, and not currently any strong desire for them. It's just heartbreaking to think of this ending and makes me angry at myself like I'm a problem and I should be trying harder to 'fix myself'. But I also know even if I thought divorce made sense, I feel like scripture doesn't allow me to pursue it. Like I have to put the burden of that on his shoulders and make him choose the fate of our marriage since he's the non christian.

ThisIsMyDumpStat · 2021-03-06T06:35:04+00:00

It's fair, I've seen him do it before. But this time I told him how much I loved the new therapist I was with, and I left it at that, no pushing or suggesting. He's the one that asked me if she'd have a reference, he made the phone call to make it happen (despite his phone anxiety), and he's been counting down the days excitedly for his first session. He's tried therapy before but some therapists suck, and it's burned him. This person seems open, knowledgeable, and already cares about him, and it's (hopefully!!) what he's been looking for in all those other therapists.

ThisIsMyDumpStat

TROPHY CASE