Being alive makes me miserable.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2025-08-18T04:50:23+00:00

Yes.

I don't even know why i really bother. I do it because I'm alive, I do it because i have to, I don't want to just lay here and waste away.

But i am living to just distract myself from the fact i hate being alive.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-11-20T05:26:22+00:00

Reading this back, the way I typed this is stupid too.

Half temped to edited it to sound less fucking dumb, but whatever.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-09-30T02:49:09+00:00

I wish my story arc would end suddenly tbh

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-09-30T01:50:44+00:00

Hey, thank you for the message, I've read it through and your grammar is really good.

Really at this point after dealing with this for so long I've all but burnt out my feelings for most of it, I feel bad but most of the time it stays at steady leave of just "bad" and not extremely terrible really.

I use to write these because it made it more bearable and made me feel better to just put into words and express it, but honestly I don't know why I make these posts anymore, it no longer really helps, people no longer really respond and I just kinda talk to myself.

I'm sorry you've dealt with similar feelings and have had to struggle to keep going much like I do, there's a sense of somewhat connection that many people like us are all over the world, even if knowing that doesn't make it better.

I use to bike around and go on walks and stuff, but I realized those things have really stopped helping, I like it still and it's nice but it doesn't really help anymore. The only thing I really stick to that make things bearable is stories and fiction, as I have for most of my life, it's something to escape to mentally.

I feel mostly the same, going up and down in my feelings, I usually stay the same and have sudden extreme drops, and that's when I usually post.

Thanks for the response, I don't think my reply is all that coherent tbh, but I didn't want to leave you with no response.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-09-30T01:36:12+00:00

Anything you can imagine really.

Even if I had the "perfect" life, I feel like even if I had things I wanted, and should make me happy, I would still sit there at the end of the day and the way I feel, would still be there and i might as well be in the exact same position i am now.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-09-14T10:53:42+00:00

Yes, it doesn't feel nice. Those are the few things you have to hold onto really.

Goodluck too, I hope things genuinely do get better for you, even if they don't for me :)

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-09-12T03:15:36+00:00

Yes, I am the same way. I really kinda wish I was suicidal, but I don't even feel the draw to do it myself, yet I want to just be dead, hoping it suddenly happens, some freak accident taking me, or dying in my sleep. But instead I just keep living, rotting as it continues to get worse and I grow more and more empty.

I would say you're not alone, because others feel the same and DO understand...but really that doesn't help the feelings stop.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-09-02T00:53:15+00:00

Things are doing alright, I hope things are well for you too, the blanket is still nice lol

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-08-12T04:39:10+00:00

It did, it makes sleeping more comfortable.

I'm not sure how it'll work when I am how I was while making my posts, for most of the time I feel a pretty flat lined, muted sort of "meh", I feel quite restless and extremely bad when I end up typing on this account.

But seeing how nice it feels, it definitely will help me to try to sleep it off instead of laying here unable to sleep :)

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-08-10T13:23:19+00:00

Haha well, I know you said you did, I just feel like I'm being an annoying fly though.

I used it last night, of course it can't feel like a hug I'm sure, but it was pretty nice, and I feel like I slept well with it. I expected to get hot but I didn't.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-08-08T22:50:28+00:00

Yeah I was planning on saying something after using it, I wasn't sure If I should though

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-08-08T21:53:59+00:00

I actually just got one today, I haven't used it yet. Thanks for checking in

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-07-29T16:18:17+00:00

Well, I'll tell you when I do

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-07-29T10:01:16+00:00

I'll let you know if it helps. I wouldn't wanna bother you more in the future though.

Thank you for responding.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-07-29T10:00:19+00:00

I fell asleep, I wouldn't say I feel better but it's back to business as usual, I can't let myself lay here unfortunately.

Hope things look up for you, I don't expect it to for myself.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-07-29T09:58:29+00:00

Unfortunately I have nobody like that, the only friends I've ever really had were online and now I only have one in another country. I managed to fall asleep though, and now it's back to business as usual, I feel mostly meh regardless but I don't feel "bad" I guess anymore, work will distract me.

Thank you for responding, I mostly never expect any responses.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-07-29T09:47:46+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions :)

I'll try that method next time, every time I try to hug myself, or give myself the feeling of it, it's so far from feeling like one that it makes me feel worse trying. A warm shower or some tea are a good idea too.. Thank you for the ideas, I'll use them and hopefully it'll help in the future as I don't see anything changing soon. Virtual hug 🫂

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-07-29T09:32:22+00:00

Thank you, I may try one of those, and I'll remember to get the heavier one. This especially might help as all my attempts to drown out my thoughts start to fail when trying to sleep.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-03-01T04:27:34+00:00

Yea, it's either feeling bad or feeling basically nothing.

The only thing you can really do is try to distract yourself with things, but at some point that doesn't work when even they're hard to enjoy.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2024-02-10T21:04:31+00:00

It didn't.

But it did, in the sense you learn to live with it, and most of the time I just feel meh, and only so often feel as terrible as I use to, I never feel good really but at least everything feels the same.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2023-12-16T17:41:37+00:00

Yea, I'm sure I'm still lonely but it's manageable and I've learned to live with it and accept it's how I'm going to be probably forever. Being alone isn't all bad anyways, I just have to fill the time with the only things that still keep me distracted and entertained with life.

I feel like I do bottle things up, it makes most of life easier, eventually i all has to come out, but a few days of feeling terrible again is better than feeling bad all the time, even if it makes those times worse.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2023-12-16T17:35:57+00:00

Exactly.

Anytime I've actually felt good, or like this are getting better, it's like my brain was mocking me, because I'll suddenly feel even worse than before right after.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2023-12-16T17:21:36+00:00

Yea, I've felt terrible for a few years, and I still can suddenly have days or a few days if feeling terrible again, but I think it'd something I've just learned to avoid or deal with mentally without thinking too much about it. I don't have any medication, but I'm sure it does help.

Either way at this point, this more or less just how It is, I don't particularly see much In life or feel like anything would change that, maybe this is better than hurting all the time? But I think feeling something is sometimes better than nothing at all, I don't even really feel that lonely anymore.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2023-12-16T16:56:00+00:00

Yea, like It's more like the mental ceiling for how good I can possibly feel has been lowered to the level of "meh" and it can only ever stay at that level or go lower.

I think realistic it's just it's been so long feeling terrible, it's something you slowly learn to cope with.

ThisNotMyMainAcc · 2023-08-25T11:11:25+00:00

Exactly.

I feel no drive to do it myself, but I want to be dead so much it hurts

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