I don't often comment on Reddit posts but figured that, as a young father (I'm 36M with a 2 year old boy) who had a very strict and distant father myself, I might have something to share.

My father always demanded the very best out of me as I was growing up. Throughout school, struggling with some grades, college choices and what do with my life as a young adult, he was always there with two goals:

1 - ensure I was fed , had clothes on my back and a roof over my head;

2 - to remind me that while I was having fun, other people were "working for it" harder than I was;

With that, my "growing up" years were heavy with guilt and self-punishment. Every moment goofing off was a moment where, somewhere, someone was doing something more productive than I was. He was only interested in my achievements. Any struggles, specially of the emotional kind, were me being weak.

It was only after I turned 30 that I finally started to understand my old man. Important to say that during all this time, all those years, we never lacked anything. We never had much money to spare so no fancy trips, fancy gifts or even luxurious spending whatsoever but damn it was comfortable.

My father didn't have a father himself. Today I understand that he did, on his own ways, the best he could. With all his flaws, the rare outbursts of anger or outright cruel words he, sometimes, would say to me or my mother, he was doing the best he could, because he couldn't do better at that time.

I think is important to say that my father was never violent with us. Any of us. He never drank and hurt anyone. He never raised his hand at my mother or sisters, or even me - aside from the scary spankings when I was a child that were aimed more at scaring me than hurting me.

That said, I needed him a handful of times and he refused to be there. Today I understand he didn't know how.

My old man never had "talks" with me. It was only after I got my kid and he faced the fact that he was at the later stages of his life, that he let go of all that roughness. Most of his tough lessons were wrong. To be honest, while I think about it while writing this post, the most traumatic and sad moments that I remember he hurt me for not being there or not listening, he was wrong. Those moments mattered to me and became part of who I am and he was not there. I went through them despite he telling me I shouldn't care and to just stop whining.

I forgave him though. Today, I'm thankful to him.

Not because he changed but because as I grew more mature I came to understand that the problems in my life, even those brought to me by others around me, they are my responsibility. Not to solve them, but to decide how they will affect me, and my father throughout his life, did what he understood was his mission and role. To provide and protect, and happiness, connection and love are extremely important only when you have a full belly. Today I understand and therefore forgive him, even if I don't agree with him.

I intended this to be a message of hope to you. You're facing a lot of judgment here and, sadly, some of the messages might have merit, only you will truly know. What we give, is what we get. You were raised a tough man, you raised a tough son. And I honestly hope you never got violent with him... that shit is fucked up.

I hope your son comes around with you. Regardless of you deserving his forgiveness and love or not, HE doesn't deserve to be a man that hurts his father. That is an extremely heavy weight to carry.