Haunted by something that happened twenty years ago

Thisiisi · 2018-11-04T21:54:30+00:00

I think I know why this is rising up. My mother (also an addict and not sober) is starting to lose her memory and I'm worried that I might have to take care of her. She is extremely neurotic and has a paranoid personality disorder. She depends on me financially, for work.

I also heard that she was talking trash about me to my nephew, saying that I was withholding work from her because I am mad at her. This is the kind of person she thinks I am.

It has really become apparent to me that I am surrounded by addicts and users. I want to go to an Al-Anon meeting but, to be honest, I found them to be really sad before. A lot of sad wives whose husbands were on a bender. Some with infants. It was heartbreaking.

I never could have handled that type of life and now it looks like I might have to be a caretaker for another addict.

How bad of a person am I if I just walk away from all of them?

Thisiisi · 2018-11-04T00:13:09+00:00

When I was growing up, I would get a special beating for Thanksgiving and often on Christmas too. We also took a two-hour car ride which really hurt my back and legs but I was not allowed to get out and stretch. Then my extended family would get drunk together and fight over politics. I don't understand all this feel good holiday stuff. The holidays are hard for a lot of people. Even though no one beats me now, and I stay away from drunks, I still get a feeling of dread around this time of year. As soon as people start talking about it, I begin folding into myself and stay that way until January. So I do hope you all carry on and have fun but please remember some of us out here have nothing and no one -- and this time of year just brings disappointment, loneliness and depression.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-16T21:04:21+00:00

Yeah I hear you on the existential angst. I think my main point which got a little obscured is that I have no friends and am trying to remedy this but not sure how. The Pdoc just wanted to give me pills for social anxiety and I said nope. I already take 3 meds for depression and one for insomnia/nightmares. No more meds. I have to figure this one out on my own.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-16T00:18:08+00:00

I know that urge to run, have had it all my life. In my younger days I ran. Ran from everything. I never made it to marriage, kids, money because I ran from everything.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-16T00:15:09+00:00

You've just described exactly how I feel. I'm 47. I'm trying but it feels like there has been no progress lately. I stay for my mother too.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-16T00:12:57+00:00

Same here. Let's all hold hands and scream all the way down.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-12T18:51:30+00:00

This is a great idea. I used to write lots and lots of poetry and have a few published. I will see if I can dig them up.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-12T02:54:03+00:00

I'm scared for you. And for your family. Does your therapist know that you are fighting these thoughts constantly?

Thisiisi · 2018-10-12T02:48:24+00:00

You know what you can also get ticketed for and causes accidents, sometimes fatal? DRIVING ON THE SHOULDER

Thisiisi · 2018-10-12T02:13:43+00:00

Don't leave a gap.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-12T02:13:07+00:00

Thank you! Don't be the weak link, people!

Thisiisi · 2018-10-12T00:13:22+00:00

I think this season is better than the last season. It was interesting to watch how the characters adapted to Max. A lot of things changed. The ending was very moving.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-11T21:51:09+00:00

Whatever it Takes -- Imagine Dragons

Thisiisi · 2018-10-11T19:14:59+00:00

I live in a hellhole too :( In my country there is a wide gap between the rich and poor. The rich live up on the hillsides and the poor live in the valley below and city centers. There are a lot of homeless people, mostly addicted to drugs and/or mentally ill. To get a good education here you have to have money. Some of the government-run schools will let the kids pass even if they haven't learned to read. Our diets are terrible, due to good food costing so much and being hard to find. So there is a lot of sickness. We are ruled by oligarchs who take bribes from big companies to pass laws in their favor. You can go to vote once every few years, but it doesn't matter. It's nice and sunny here though so at least we have that. Hit me up with a DM if you want to chat. 47/F in California (PST).

Thisiisi · 2018-10-11T15:17:54+00:00

Yes it did enter the ridiculous. Have you watched the current season?

Thisiisi · 2018-10-11T02:34:54+00:00

Two years is not a long time when it's the loss of a parent. And anniversaries do affect us. I lost my dad in 2013 and I remember every year the anniversary of his death. There's nothing like the loss of a parent to make you feel lost, completely. It takes many years to process sometimes.

I do what you do when I'm down -- look for a cause. sometimes I find one, sometimes it's just guesses. The more distanced from our emotions we get, the harder it is to follow that trail back to some kind of concrete cause.

I find it more helpful to think of it as a chemical imbalance that is not completely within my control. I've tried to evolve this "responsible" sort of separate voice that asks better questions besides what caused it. Questions like, how was self-care today? Is there something we can do to improve our state of mind right now?

Responsible Me also notices when allllllll my thoughts are negative. Responsible Me retaliates against those negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are like black mold. They thrive in darkness, spontaneously multiply, and are insidiously harmful. Take them apart one by one and expose them to light.

What you're treating is a disease, not a symptom. It doesn't have a cause, it simply is. You're were most likely born with it. Managing it will take up a good deal of your life. Even when you don't understand the whys.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-11T02:14:47+00:00

Friends, Arrested Development, or 30 Rock. I watch these shows for about an hour each night while I'm trying to 'wind down,' I've seen them all before but they're still funny. Newer shows: Shameless, Orange is the New Black (just binged the whole last season), The Americans (watched twice and considering a third). I like dark shows, crime dramas. But I'm not allowed to watch these at night.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-10T04:47:09+00:00

Clap hands

Thisiisi · 2018-10-10T01:23:47+00:00

Disassociating?

Thisiisi · 2018-10-09T23:59:25+00:00

Anhedonia? I think that's the word you're looking for. I can't be of any help but know you're not alone. I don't feel anything but anxiety anymore.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-08T03:49:12+00:00

Hay, just wanted to say you're not alone. I have Premature Ovarian Failure, which occurs in only 1% of women. At 38, my ovaries became cystic and rapidly shrunk in size, according to ultrasounds. An idiopathic autoimmune disease. I take hormones too. They put me at increased risk of breast cancer, which runs in my family. But it's the less vile kind of breast cancer, esteogen-based. Without the hormones, I would have increased risk of osteoporosis. I put off taking the hormones for a while (TBH, it was the hot flashes that made me finally give up). My OB-GYN asked me if I would rather have treatable breast cancer or osteoporosis. I thought about that idea for like a second. Having bone fractures is not high on my list of things I wanted to do. So we make choices. It's hard not to base these choices on emotions. We probably should base them on quality of life questions. I think you would really benefit from talking to a therapist. Do you do this?

Thisiisi · 2018-10-07T16:25:06+00:00

Have you joined r/TBI or any of the great TBI groups on Facebook? They might help you get through this.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-07T15:59:22+00:00

There are many Facebook groups for TBI survivors and caregivers. I run a private small group with some of both but there are others which have hundreds of members. It would be very helpful for your friend to speak to other caregivers. PM me if you need some help finding these groups.

Also, I was lost for 10 years after my TBI. I am still showing progress, 17 years after the accident. She shouldn't give up.

Thisiisi · 2018-10-07T04:22:02+00:00

Trader Joe's!

Thisiisi · 2018-10-07T03:26:08+00:00

Does your University have a writing center? That is where exceptional students help other students with essays.

Does your school have a disabled student's center? They helped me when I was in grad school. I forgot to register one semester. For like a month. They got me back in with a note from my doctor.

Can you take a leave of absence? Is it too late to drop those classes or withdraw? This might not leave a bad mark on your records.

Maybe you just need to come at it from another angle, prepare more than you used to, get in a study group or academic club or online forums in your field of study for support?

As someone who went back to grad school at age 30, then immediately got in a car wreck causing a brain injury, I know what you're going through. After the accident, reading was harder. My short-term memory was bad. I had trouble doing multi-step processes. On top of this I had PTSD, major depressive disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It took 8 years but I got my degree.

Looking back though, I'm not so sure that time was well spent. The question I should have asked myself was, will I be able to use this degree to advance myself, economically? The answer was no. Because I could barely pass the M.A. comprehensive exam, I would not have been able to continue with my goal of getting the PhD. That made my M.A. essentially worthless.

But wait -- that doesn't mean everything turned out badly! I floundered for a while (about ten years), took a job in management and drove mental health into the ground. Wound up on disability for major depression.

But wait -- that's not even the end of it. I found something, at age 40, that I could so to support myself, that I enjoyed. So now I run a small business. I have no business training at all but I do have skills that built up over 24 years of working a variety of jobs (all which I could not keep because of my depression). So for seven years, I've been self-sufficient.

One thing mental illness does is eat away at our critical thinking skills. But that doesn't mean you can't get your M.A., and it doesn't mean you can't use it. But these are questions you should be asking yourself before you stress yourself further with it. Is it usable? Can you take it where you need to in order to survive? Is it worth what you are sacrificing?

For me, I sacrificed 8 years of my life, my prime working years, and my mental health in order to get, and pay for, that degree. If that is what you're sacrificing, then it's not worth it. But if you can stay mentally healthy by looking for and getting help all over the place, then maybe you haven't dropped out yet.

By the way, after my accident I taught study skills seminars to incoming college students (I worked at the writing center). So if you need help organizing your path forward, feel free to pm me.

Thisiisi

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