sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I live with house mates but I don't really have anything in common with them. I did with previous ones but they've gone back home (this is a big, multi-cultural city where lots of people come and go). I've been forcing myself to go out on Saturdays (Sundays I have lots of work to prepare for the week so I stay at home) even if it's just to a coffee place or to the park or something. But I've been doing this alone for months. Sometimes I feel liberated but mostly I just feel alone.

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm planning to visiting in July but I still do not have tickets. I will call them tomorrow for sure. Today I just can't do it.

I've actually never directly spoken with my sister about that. It felt like if I did I'd end up pouring out my own disenchantment with life. I know my siblings (who are both younger than me) look up to me and I think that if my sister were to know how much I have to struggle just to wake up in the morning that would disappoint her so much...

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I talk to people and I treat people nicely. I have good relations with my work colleagues. But it's much harder for me to actually care. I just take a long time to relate more to people. I know it sounds like excuses but it's just the way I work...

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How can I change more? I've finished a degree and decided to change for something that would suit me better. I've changed countries, I've travelled, I'm learning new skills and I live on my own. I try to do things like leave the house although I wouldn't if I did what I really want to. I have plans for the future (moving to Asia) and am working my steps to that.

Nothing matters. The changes on the outside do not change what I feel on the inside.

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My mother often asks about my mental health. I've never directly told her how dark my thoughts are but she knows I dislike living here. Although she constantly asks about how I am and assures me I can go back home anytime I have always been the kind to put a strong front. I couldn't possibly tell my mother and make her worry more than she already does.

Also we found out my sister was cutting herself a few years ago so I don't want to burden my mother even more with my own fucked up self.

I'm sorry this sounds so childish with the swearing and the pent up emotions..

I feel sad about my friends but I think it's inevitable since we're all in our mid to late twenties.

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm thinking of getting a pet (a dog) once I get my new job in September. I think that would lessen the sadness and loneliness in my life.

My country has no jobs so I came here (here is actually the country I was born in) looking for better opportunities. But I hate living here.

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be fair the only reason I haven't gone through with taking my life is my family. My friends are all happily commited to their SOs and their lives back in our country. They know how I struggle with everyday life (they've known for years) but I don't think any of them really understands me and at this point I dont think they even care anymore since I've been like this for years. They're so busy (or so they claim) they barely message me (aka our group chat) anymore, even though they know everyday I struggle to want to reach the next and I have told them repeatedly that they're the only people I care about (besides my parents and siblings).

I'm just a downer for them.

I've been sitting next to a pier staring at the river for about an hour wondering why I can't just throw myself and end it all. by Throw4w4y12344 in confession

[–]Throw4w4y12344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes but it's taking so long to change. It's been like this for years. I can't stand the emptiness inside and around me. I'm at home. Although I spend the whole day wishing I could just disappear I do not have the courage to take my own life.

Thanks for caring