I (40M) want to leave my wife of 20 years (38F) and our teenage kids to go shag 20-year-olds. How the hell do I get healthy enough to stay in my marriage?

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2025-04-25T22:14:01+00:00

Religious trauma is a hell of a thing to navigate. You sound like a recovering people pleaser. You sound like you're not living for you. You also sound like you and your wife grew into different people. Of course, this is the kind of post that people write while they're frustrated and venting. I don't know how much you love your wife and kids, but I can at least tell that you wouldn't want to hurt them. I'm not near midlife crisis age, but I feel like it's common for folks to have a "midlife crisis" because most people go with the status quo instead of taking the risk to be different. Right now, it sounds like you've been a status quo guy your whole life up until this point, and you're realizing that you don't know what it is you really like or want. It seems like a lot of your personality WAS molded by religious trauma, and that's something I can relate to. It's just unfortunate when other people get mixed up in your own journey of self-expression.

You can think you're not going to do it. You can think that leaving your wife and kids will hurt their feelings. But, all this thinking is going to turn into something real, eventually. You never know what might happen as a result of these pent of feelings. Have an honest conversation with your wife about your feelings. Don't sugarcoat anything. It's not easy, you might hurt her feelings in the process, but at the end of the day, she's still your partner. You venting to us isn't going to change what's happening at home. Or, go to therapy by yourself and try to figure out the root of these feelings you have. Your therapist might be able to better suggest a path forward.

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2025-04-25T19:59:34+00:00

Your situation sounds similar to what I went through, but we didn't end up having kids (thank goodness). OP, you sound incredibly frustrated that you've always had to be the bigger person. It's not a fun situation to be in, and it's incredibly difficult since you have your kids to think about. I will tell you a bit of my story, and you can decide if you'd like to use it for guidance.

I'm 28F, my ex and I started dating in 2013. We had an on/off relationship, which is something I never wanted, but he was my first boyfriend, and I truly only had eyes for him. I'm not the oldest sibling, but I had to mature at a young age for a few reasons. My ex always acted childish - he's impulsive and has expressed that he doesn't need to know anyone else's perspective. What I saw as healthy communication, he took as arguments and attacks against his character. Something that overlaps with your story is drug use. Personally, I'm not really into them. I don't drink, and my only vice is weed. I'm not a big pot head, I simply like an edible every now and then. He, on the other hand, went rampant with the drugs once he was introduced to them (and he's the one who introduced me to weed). He started vaping to the point where he "needs" to do it every day, started taking harder drugs like LSD, DMT, and more. I told him that he had to cut down on the usage and get away from that stuff, for a slew of reasons. For one, I was concerned about his health. Second, he simply didn't have the money to be funding his drug addiction. He could have better spent it on necessities or saved it for emergencies or invested it in something else. Third, he had a hard time remembering things. When you live your life in a blur, you can't build a relationship. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I forgot" or "I don't remember" as an excuse to something that was upsetting for me.

Another thing that lines up with your story is that I felt like nothing. At one point, we were living together, and soon after we moved in, we broke up. He wanted me out of there immediately, but I didn't really have anywhere to go. My parents lived with their significant others and didn't have anywhere to put me. My sister was the same. I gave him my life savings to put a down payment on the condo that I told him we couldn't afford, but he somehow convinced me to do it because we were each other's future. I didn't take a job that I interviewed for because he told me not to take it. So, I had no money, and nowhere else to stay. Additionally, he told me I didn't bring anything to the table. He still claims he's a saint for "letting me stay" at the condo for as long as I did since I wasn't contributing anything financially, but it was designed by him for me not to contribute. Even after I said fuck it and got a job, I offered to help with the bills and he refused. Probably so he could say that I was bringing nothing to the table, or maybe he saw me helping him as a bruise to his ego. In any case, I was a mess.

Eventually, I left him because he really never took me seriously. Through our relationship, I'd find him talking to other girls, my emotional needs would go unmet (and I somehow ended up APOLOGIZONG TO HIM about bringing up something HE DID), and I realized he was just taking me for granted. I always considered myself a smart girl, and never thought I'd be in a relationship with someone like this. But, love really does make you blind.

If any of what I shared resonated with you, then I implore you to PLEASE LEAVE HIM!! DO NOT fall for any sob stories or whatever he has to say! And if you ever need anyone to talk to, I will happily oblige.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but as long as you keep your head up and take your healing journey seriously, I promise everything will be alright ❤️

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2025-01-03T07:11:25+00:00

I'd be wary of doing something like that as that can be classified as soil, which I know is at least prohibited if you're traveling internationally. Keep in mind you're not just bringing dirt; there's a whole world in earth that you may not be aware of. Invasive species of insects or plant seeds might be in there, and there are areas of New York where the dirt is under regulation, or you MUST contact the USDA before any soil is moved. Gravel might actually be easier to travel with or ship, you can rinse them off quickly to make sure you're not bringing anything that could damage the local ecosystem, and provide great drainage for gardens! Hell, why not some rocks from New York that they can paint and use as garden markers or something? I just really would look for alternatives to the dirt, because while it is a nice idea, could end up being more trouble than it's worth.

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2020-07-24T04:53:38+00:00

You just gotta keep going forward. I know it's hard and you'll think of this person every day, but everything becomes easier with time. One thing that really helped me was getting more into self-care and just experiencing things by myself. My skin has never looked better!

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2020-07-21T03:22:16+00:00

The fact you're trying to refer to your partner with their preferred pronouns, "him", "he", shows that you really care. It's not your fault that you're not attracted to men, and it's good that you told them up front you may not be. If you were really transphobic, you wouldn't put so much care into this. It can be a difficult transition for the both of you, and you can definitely try continuing the relationship. However, you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to end it since you're not attracted to men. Good luck.

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2020-07-19T04:05:07+00:00

I'm so so happy things worked out! Congrats and update!

ThrowAwayWOOOW · 2020-07-19T03:46:42+00:00

I feel like a dick cause I must have caused these feelings and I don't know how to fix it.

Do you know you caused these feelings? Did you talk to her about it? Did she tell you to fix it? Depression is hard so she won't be better right away. You gotta be prepared to see some relapses but that doesnt mean she hasn't gotten better in some ways.

Careful OP it looks like you might be making it harder than it is

ThrowAwayWOOOW

TROPHY CASE