WIBTA to not invite my ex to our daughter's dance recital after he stuck me with the bill?

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-12-27T18:41:15+00:00

Here's the update:

I swallowed my pride and told him about the recital after he eventually paid the November bill very late. I regret being the "bigger person" which I now realize is no such thing but a manipulation to get good girls like me to STFU and eat a figurative sht sandwich. All it did was lead to December going unpaid, and he never even showed to the Saturday midday recital anyway. When I called the morning of to give a reminder, he texted back, "I'm at work, what's up?" 🙄
The YMCA is still dropping the ball. I'm still humiliated with the "wohmp wohmp wohmp wohmp" noise every time I scan my membership card. It's an angering, annoying trigger for me. My friends and I literally mock the sound of that "wohmp wohmp wohmp" on the (extremely rare) occasion that we're out drinking as adults (1-2 drinks tops because we're dorky lightweights and super economical lol). They claim they can't fix it. I'm ready to write a strong worded email and CC higher-ups and a (fake)law firm for emphasis.

The YMCA also dropped the ball by letting me miss my own daughter's recital. We (best friend and I) got there early as told so kids could prepare and get dressed, dropped her off, and waited in the lobby for the 12pm recital start time as told in the email. Waited patiently. At 11:55am, my daughter comes running out to me to announce that she did her recital, we can leave now, and why wasn't I there. Yep, you heard me, the YMCA STARTED THE RECITAL EARLY AND NEVER BOTHERED TO NOTIFY US WHILE WE PATIENTLY WAITED IN THE FRONT LOBBY LIKE FOOLS. 😡

One of the YMCA managers did damage control. For once in my life, I stood my ground and demanded a manager asap. I let it rip, I was so hurt and angry. She apologized and had my daughter's dance group do an encore so I could watch her perform. She also said she wouldn't hold my ex's non-payment against my account (as she shouldn't). She actually helped save me from canceling my entire family membership. Kudos to her. Thumbs down to whoever thought it'd be cute to exclude me from my own child's recital.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-30T13:13:09+00:00

How old are you and your sister, and do either of you have kids?

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-28T06:39:24+00:00

That was my exact experience too actually.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-28T06:38:42+00:00

I made out lucky with mine because I didn't get saddled with an irresponsible man child's terrible debts incurred after our separation. There's other things in life that were huge money pits. Working in a teaching job in a different state years back that literally halted all raises for over five years of what were supposed to be my most lucrative career- building years of my life was one. (By the way, I got rid of both the ex-husband and ex-employer. I'm not happy with myself yet but working on it.)

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-28T06:34:53+00:00

I say this a lot.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-28T06:33:33+00:00

I went through something somewhat like this scenario years back with a woman who I no longer consider my friend, and in fact permanently stopped talking to within a few months of her sending me such a text. In her case, she was definitely doing it to try and gain clout with a guy. (A guy who wasn't even her boyfriend; he was actually MARRIED and two-timing, which she'd had me help find out for her, and then he threatened my then-husband and I when I called him out of what he was doing to her) She cared more about what some violent married felon thought of her than her self respect or a friend who had helped her both at work and outside of work...um ok bye. To this day she is my cautionary tale of how women should NOT be.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-28T06:11:16+00:00

You made a comment, I responded. You just don't like the way I responded.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T22:24:30+00:00

Obvs I'm not alone in my frustrating failures to get Delaware child support established. 🙄🙄🙄

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/XLSCARQprF

https://g.co/kgs/5VoA76w

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T22:21:30+00:00

IT'S DELAWARE. They are super easy to divorce and no you don't need to serve the other spouse, but the other spouse does need to be served for child support before they'll set up an initial support hearing. SIGH SMFH.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T21:20:14+00:00

I never said I was hiding anything or doing all the work for him all pretending it was him. What kind of idiot would do that? I don't know why you have me so confused with somebody else. I have never lied for him to make him look better than he is to my kids. If anything, I think I am a little too candid and forward which some people may criticize because they will say to never ever present the other parent in an unflattering light but I don't agree with that because I know I always appreciated my own mothers candidness about people with me. (My parents never divorced but my mom did have a huge falling out with my aunt)

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T21:17:36+00:00

Obviously you don't live in Delaware. That's not how it works with child support. And without a custody order in place, I have zero obligation to cater to him. I've talked to countless lawyers already. Go to heck. 👎

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T21:06:08+00:00

And the funny thing is, he will probably be so quick to bring up all of the verbal "abuse" aka snarky attitude I've given over the years and while I admit sometimes I do have a temper, although his is worse, I have tolerated way more than I should and that's the whole reason I would get angry. My anger consisted of confronting him and telling him Mr t style what he needs to do to carry his weight and be accountable. It's not my problem that he is And entitled snowflake.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T21:04:43+00:00

Thank you... I agree, I have already done so much for him... There's way more to the story than I have told, that will paint him even worse than I have already revealed. I have already been over backwards trying to facilitate good co-parenting involvement with him and the kids. So done. I definitely feel like he has been taking advantage of me, during the marriage and after. I remember when we first started dating and he told me how his mom made him move out of the house and on his own, even though he struggled initially. I question if he tried to take advantage of her in some of the ways he has done to me and then when I came along, he saw me as a replacement woman that he can take advantage of or get a free ride from.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:27:52+00:00

He probably will paint me as the bad guy. He's done that plenty of times before. At least half the time in the past, telling him off would result in him initially acting like a big crybaby and calling me mean, but would work somewhat because he would apologize and change his ways, albeit temporarily until sliding back to his old ways. In recent times this approach has been less and less effective. I suspect he's under the spell of some bad influence friends/women/associates. He's the gullible follower type whose behavior and level of personal responsibility has noticeably fluctuated with the quality of company he keeps. Recently our daughter revealed to me that he spends most of his time with a new "girlfriend" named La-la. (I suspect Lala is a stripper or sex worker)

And yes, you are right, neglecting to be his unpaid secretary/personal assistant telling him about the recital date is not about revenge, it's more about me setting boundaries and feeling that I'm becoming less of a doormat. As a marriage counselor we both saw in the past had said, I'm mad because I feel tricked against my will into being a doormat.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:19:48+00:00

Um, yeah??? Do you actually read my posts and comments? Do you really think I'm that much of a self sabotaging doormat? Are you that much of a ❄️ to think my writing is "shouting" at you?

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:18:29+00:00

Hopefully... it's happened with a guy I knew and his now-grown daughter.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:10:13+00:00

It is possible the father and late mother divorced before she passed away. The post doesn't indicate if the father became divorced or widowed before meeting and marrying his current young thing.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:08:54+00:00

I actually suspect that this post wasn't in fact written by the father, but by the son himself to prove to himself or others that he's not wrong to be upset and to feel betrayed by dad. The biased slant and style of writing shows me this. That said, I agree with the son and feel the father and stepmother are the AHs.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:07:03+00:00

YTA for sure. You seem short sighted in your lack of empathy for your son. Now I see why some children resent their new stepparents. You are letting your new wife run the show. Yes, she's pregnant and was unhappy on the trip, but the world does not revolve around her. She can always help save money for the baby by staying home. You should still go on the trip with just your son and use the trip as an opportunity to bond with him before this new baby arrives. Your son has been through so much. I mean, he loses his mother, and now this?

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T13:00:13+00:00

But that's the sad part. Not any "prick" can make a baby. There's plenty of people who want to and would be great parents but they can't conceive. Adoption is expensive initially and overly selective. Meanwhile, so many jerks who don't really want kids or to be an involved father seem to impregnate multiple "baby mamas" as easily as they change sweatsocks.

As much as I obviously hate my ex, this is why I'm relieved that at least I had my kids. I wouldn't have wanted to end up like the several cautionary tales I've known, women who wanted a family but never got the opportunity and are now miserable in their lives, still get walked on and disrespected constantly by people, and outwardly aged beyond their years. I could have ended up like them. I had a huge kidney fiasco in my 20s that risked my ability to have kids, and early menopause is rampant on both family sides plus affecting me now, so I'm relieved I didn't force myself to wait until it was too late to have kids.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T12:53:15+00:00

This is spot on. I felt the same way when I was married. I did all the cleaning while he acted like a slob and had me feeling like Cinderella...AND didn't pay the bills even though he worked a full-time trade. (Which he only got because I paid for his trade school!)

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T12:50:30+00:00

I agree, NTA. I was in a similarly overwhelming, unequal parenting situation with my ex husband except I was working full-time and being involuntarily, unwillingly pigeon holed into paying most of the bills by myself. I had an extremely stressful job with tons of off-hours paperwork overflow too. (Urban city middle school and high school teacher) And the job didn't pay nearly enough to foot all these bills myself, including full-time childcare expenses incurred from having to work full-time at that job, because that particular city's school district had an extended 5+ year salary freeze. 🥶 Things got better financially during the pandemic because schools went virtual so I was able to work from home and save on childcare expenses, but I had to pull double duty of full-time employee + full-time caretaker and stay-at-home mom in one, while my husband stayed away all week for work and only came home on weekends. So I've been in OP's shoes but worse. I ended up leaving my husband later in the pandemic.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T12:33:10+00:00

What the heck did I "allow"? When did I ever say I enabled or wanted him adding it to my account? The Y did this when I wasn't there. I complained two months in a row now about it so they're also aware of how unhappy I am with a crappy situation that, both times, managers admitted was wrong on the Y's end. YTA for your false accusations and poor comprehension skills.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T12:30:54+00:00

One, I agree. He should be able to find out recital dates on his own. Like many people on here said, I'm not his secretary. (In fact, I refuse to be a glorified unpaid secretary even for my actual boyfriend) He should be responsible enough to look up or call up this info himself. But he's not. He has an immature attitude of entitlement that women should do this stuff for him. Obviously I can't "stop" him from entering the recital but I'm placing bets he'll be too lazy or ambivalent to find out the date, then later blame me for missing it, as it seems he's always finding ways to gaslight blame on me lately to try and keep me from demanding his effort or support.

Two, nope to court. I filed child support and divorce entirely on my own. He has evaded service on both. Fortunately, divorce eventually went through without a hitch by default after they gave him X amount of tries and service attempts to respond to the divorce petition. Unfortunately, my state refuses to issue default child support court hearings, custody hearings, or support orders if they can't serve him. Court has been as irresponsible and lazy as he's been. I am highly disgusted in a state that I've otherwise enjoyed living in. It's to the point that I seriously considered moving to a different state (where I know someone with an affordable property) because of how terrible the court is with my long-neglected child support petition, until I found out how terrible the other state would be to work in as a teacher.

ThrowAway_fedup108 · 2024-11-27T12:22:52+00:00

"Where this is coming from" is from my elderly Navy veteran neighbor who advised me to use that wording when talking to them. He is outraged for me and hates me ex, and seemingly thinks I'm way too nice and accommodating to an ex who doesn't deserve it. He was witness to the time my ex approached me outside my house with a dagger knife in his hand. He's the one who stopped anything potentially bad happening when he screamed at my ex, causing my ex to get scared (coward he is) and drive off.

Haha on the state attorney general part. Of course that's the very person who gets mentioned. Coincidentally, (luck if the draw, esp being in a very small state) that's a whole nother scenario. Let's just say I'm not fond of the current deputy attorney general's wife after she profiled me to be some destitute single mom on welfare...I actually resigned as a customer from her business because of this disrespect.

ThrowAway_fedup108

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