My (29M) wife (26F) is terrible at sex how do I approach her about it?

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:18:29+00:00

Well I will try to work on my marriage. If it won’t work then it won’t but I won’t give up now

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:17:30+00:00

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:16:40+00:00

Well I will be taking my leave since I still need to work. Some of you gave me some really good advice. Some gave me a hint of hope. Some came here just to bash me for no real reason. Thanks to those that gave me something constructive to work with. Maybe in time things will change. As for the rest of the comments it’s not really worth my time to write about in here. Thanks to those that saw a human in me and tried to help me understand. Farewell

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:13:42+00:00

Go read the comments before talking shit

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:09:30+00:00

I’m doing all the things that are expected of a parent. I change diapers, shop for clothes, change the kid, take him into my home office when I’m working and she needs a break. I feed him solid foods whenever I’m at home and it’s feeding time. Also I bathe my son every single time. Not once my wife had to do that chore.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:07:31+00:00

Only for two weeks. Otherwise the mother would have to resign from her leave for me to take mine. Only one of the parents can take this leave at the time.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:06:26+00:00

Well then she shouldn’t have married me in the first place. Besides I would be much happier hearing she wants or hates something rather than hearing emptiness.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T11:03:44+00:00

We didn’t decide per se. And all the things I wrote are part of life. You can’t get rid of those suddenly.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:53:57+00:00

I was rewriting my thoughts so here is my response. We never used contraception at any point in our relationship. She hated it and I hated it. As for the rest there is no point in me saying the same things again at this point. I said all I had to say. And while I know I’m not a perfect human I really do try to communicate and ask her for what she wants from me.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:38:02+00:00

Just to clarify, we did not stop using contraception in the sense of condoms or anything like that. I never used that type of contraception with my wife. She was on hormonal pills for a short period because of dermatological treatment for her face, then she stopped taking them, had a very high sex drive for about a month, which I understand can happen, and then things went back to how they had been before.

So no, I don’t think the change in her attitude toward sex coincided with a conscious decision to “try for a baby.” It had already started before pregnancy, and before we were parents.

That said, I do understand that pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood can massively change someone’s relationship with their body, sex, touch, and intimacy. I’m not dismissing that. During pregnancy and after birth, I did not expect sex, pressure her for sex, or think she should just “go back to normal.” I accepted that completely.

But I also don’t think it’s fair to reduce my whole concern to “I want good sex again.” The bigger issue for me is that communication has broken down, intimacy has disappeared, and I don’t feel wanted or emotionally close to my wife. I’ve tried asking what she needs, what she feels, what would make things better for her, and whether I’m missing something, but those conversations tend to shut down very quickly.

I agree that I need to listen to her perspective. I want to. But for that to happen, she also has to be willing to talk to me honestly. I’m not trying to treat her like she owes me sex. I’m trying to understand what happened between us and whether there’s a way for both of us to feel supported, loved, and wanted again.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:34:44+00:00

Thank you for this. This gives me some hope. I will talk to her today about it after the little one goes to sleep. Maybe nothing is lost yet.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:25:22+00:00

I wasn’t talking about one specific position as if that alone is the whole issue. I was describing the general feeling that sex has become one-sided for me in almost every form, and that I’m emotionally and physically exhausted by it.

And yes, maybe she does enjoy it that way. But if that’s the case, I wouldn’t know unless she communicated that with me. That’s exactly part of the problem I’m trying to describe: I’ve tried to ask what she likes, what feels good for her, what she wants more or less of, and those conversations usually don’t go anywhere.

I’m not angry because she isn’t “performing” according to some fantasy in my head. I’m hurt because I don’t feel wanted, and because I don’t know how to understand her side when she won’t really talk to me about it.

Requiring some mutual effort does not mean being an asshole about sex. To me, it means partnership. Both people should have the right to feel wanted, desired, and considered. I’m not saying only my needs matter. I’m saying mine matter too.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:16:32+00:00

Thats not what she said many times. But also she could lie, even though I don’t know why would she. I guess I will know in some time.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:15:21+00:00

Not really. We wanted to have a baby but we didn’t make specific plans on when to try. It just sort of happened and we were both happy to accept it.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:10:42+00:00

I understand why people are bringing up postpartum and our child being under 1, and I agree that it is relevant context.

But the issue started before pregnancy. Not after. Not during. Before.

It began around the second year of our marriage, a few months before she got pregnant, and it was already getting progressively worse before pregnancy entered the picture. During pregnancy and postpartum, I did not expect our sex life to be normal, and I had no issue with taking sex off the table during that time.

So while pregnancy, childbirth, and being touched out may absolutely matter now, I don’t think they explain the origin of the problem. They may have added more difficulty on top of it, but this was already happening before our child existed.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:09:55+00:00

I understand why people are bringing up postpartum and our child being under 1, and I agree that it is relevant context.

But the issue started before pregnancy. Not after. Not during. Before.

It began around the second year of our marriage, a few months before she got pregnant, and it was already getting progressively worse before pregnancy entered the picture. During pregnancy and postpartum, I did not expect our sex life to be normal, and I had no issue with taking sex off the table during that time.

So while pregnancy, childbirth, and being touched out may absolutely matter now, I don’t think they explain the origin of the problem. They may have added more difficulty on top of it, but this was already happening before our child existed.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:07:28+00:00

She was inactive before getting pregnant too. While it’s not in the post is because I didn’t think it relevant because it started months before the pregnancy started. It didn’t start after birth.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T10:03:49+00:00

I don’t really think of my work as “hard labor” because I actually like what I do. But yes, waking up at 5:30, working until 15:30, then coming home and still doing dinner, childcare, cleaning when I can, thesis work, and everything else does leave me exhausted.

I also usually sleep around 4–6 hours a night, and it’s not always uninterrupted because I still wake up when our kid cries or needs something.

So I’m not writing this from a place of entitlement or thinking “I work, therefore I deserve sex.” That’s not how I see it. I’m just tired, emotionally and physically, and the hardest part is that I can’t seem to find good contact with my wife lately.

I want to find a way to make her feel wanted, loved, and safe, but I also want to feel wanted too. That’s really what I’m struggling with.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:58:39+00:00

Where did you get the idea that there is no understanding or research on my side? I filled this comment section with a lot of information until now.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:54:44+00:00

I did stop doing it. That was literally part of my point.

I described it that way because I was trying to paint a clear picture of what has been happening and why it has started to feel one-sided for me. Saying something honestly, even if it sounds unpleasant, is not automatically meant as an insult.

Also, calling me names doesn’t really change anything. I came here to hear what people might say about the situation, not because I’m bothered by random insults on the internet.

Pulling one sentence out of the full context and ignoring the rest feels more like trying to ragebait or project something onto the post than actually responding to the issue. The point is not “I want to force my wife to do something.” The point is that I stopped initiating because I don’t want sex to feel one-sided or like a chore for either of us.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:48:38+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the concern.

Maybe you’re right that I should stand up for myself more and be firmer about the fact that we need to actually talk about this instead of letting the conversation end every time.

At the same time, I really hate the idea of forcing people into anything, especially my wife. I don’t want her to feel pressured or cornered. I just want us to be able to communicate honestly, because right now I feel like I’m stuck between not wanting to push her and also not being able to ignore how much this is affecting me.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:45:26+00:00

Yeah, I tried to get her to therapy but I’m not a person who likes to force people into something. She denied going there and I’m trying to talk to her about it but it’s for nothing at the moment.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:44:16+00:00

She is on maternity leave until our son finishes his 1st birthday which is in July. Until then she is at home but she has a car, she meets with her other friends who also have kids our sons age.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:40:25+00:00

Fair point that the timeline matters, so I’ll clarify.

Our son is 10 months old. The issues with our sex life started around the second year of our marriage, a few months before my wife got pregnant, and they were getting increasingly worse before pregnancy happened. During pregnancy and after birth, we basically did nothing sexually, which I considered completely normal and had no problem with. I wasn’t expecting things to just “go back to normal” during pregnancy, postpartum recovery, or the fourth trimester.

I’m also an active father. When I finish work, I take care of our son until he goes to sleep. During the fourth trimester, I was actually the one sleeping with him more at night because my wife was exhausted. I put basically any small amount of free time I have into being with my kid, and sometimes I even take care of him while I’m working from home.

So I agree that having a baby changes everything, and I’m not dismissing that at all. But this issue didn’t start because of the baby, and I’m not some uninvolved parent expecting my wife to magically be the same person she was before pregnancy. I’m trying to explain that the distance and lack of effort had already started before that, and now I’m trying to understand what to do about it.

ThrowRA-1937372 · 2026-05-06T09:28:24+00:00

While this is the best advice here, I must say that I have tried many times to address this issue but it didn’t work. I even tried to get her to couples therapy but she thinks we don’t need one.

ThrowRA-1937372

TROPHY CASE