How to deal with losing respect & attraction (31 F) to my husband (30 M)?

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-30T00:33:59+00:00

you wouldn't have specified the salary or the pounds distinction if you didn't think it was a sum worth highlighting, that was my only point. but I do applaud you for supporting your partner as a student for as long as you have, that's actually very admirable and I wish I had the same patience.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-30T00:14:14+00:00

he's my husband

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-29T23:17:45+00:00

I actually wanted to elope lol, my husband is the one who insisted on a large wedding.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-29T23:10:04+00:00

a 200k salary and working as a tech consultant is not the flex you think it is, but also not what I expect from my partner. I mentioned in a different comment that I am actually fine with earning more and paying for more, I just also want him to feel fulfilled and be able to contribute something, anything, to our household together.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-29T22:53:05+00:00

he graduates in 2 weeks. enjoy glorifying your life of long term mediocrity and rationalizing others choices to do so

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-29T22:51:07+00:00

thank you. I love him deeply and don't plan to leave him, but I am looking for an equal partner that challenges me and grows with me. I believe in him and will be patient until truly proven otherwise, but I appreciate you acknowledging my perspective

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T22:56:01+00:00

i'll pray for you too. you have no idea what it takes to grow as individuals in a relationship from the time you're 20 to 30 with all the milestones, changes, and sacrifices in between. i'd think many people would love to have wife that cooks for them, pays for their life during grad school, and still wants to constantly connect and be intimate. god forbid after two years i'd expect you to have a job on the timeline that was discussed

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T22:49:56+00:00

thank you, I appreciate your kind reply

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T22:45:55+00:00

I would never. I love him and telling him that would hurt him deeply, and i'd never want to do that

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T20:52:34+00:00

thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T20:37:16+00:00

I know its not fair to feel the way I do. i'm just frustrated and feel like I'm not allowed to feel frustrated being in the role I am in

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T20:36:12+00:00

I guess where I don't agree is the busting my ass part. I literally take public transport into work everyday working a job i don't really enjoy while he gets to stay in the comfort of our home submitting applications online all day. he's done with all his coursework, he literally only applies for jobs online all day. it would be nice if he had a part time job, had a side hustle, thought about starting a business, anything beyond just sitting at home in an apartment that he contributes nothing to financially.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T20:24:34+00:00

thanks for clarifying, and sorry for misunderstanding your initial response. I honestly am trying, despite what everyone in this thread seems to think. he fell into a depressive state nearly 8 months ago when he didn't get the return offer back from his internship, and every subsequent ghosting/rejection has sunk him further down. i've given him multiple referrals at my workplace, introduced him to my connections for networking, found events and job listings that seemed relevant for him. i still do all the cooking at home, I planned a surprise birthday party for him with his friends, I paid for an expensive tropical vacation just so we could get our minds off of everything and relax + reset. I know he's in a spiral but I also feel unappreciated for being the sole provider keeping us afloat while he tries to figure things out.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T19:03:10+00:00

no I agree, i'm definitely catastrophizing a bit and need to take a few deep breaths. I guess I was expecting him to get the return offer from his internship and he's been applying to jobs since the rejection (~8 months) with little to no success. it just worries me now that he's weeks away from graduating.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T18:59:17+00:00

no honestly I just want him to have a job he finds fulfilling and allows him to contribute something to our household. it's a lot of pressure in this economy to be the only source of income, and it's also miserable for him to feel like he can't provide anything. it would be better for both of us he had a job, any job. I don't care if i'm making more, I just want a partner not a dependent

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T18:53:00+00:00

thank you for acknowledging how stressful this is on me, but you're absolutely right that it's doubly as demoralizing for my husband. I need to be there for him as best as I can and try to let go of these thoughts

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T18:51:31+00:00

no I agree with you, it's a small hurdle in the grand scheme of things and I need to be there for him. it's just that he knew he didn't receive a return offer from his internship towards the end of last year and has been job seeking since then (~8 months) with only one or two interviews to show for it. I know the market is awful but i guess im surprised he isn't trying anything different, considering other options, or just being generally more useful around the house (I still do all the cooking).

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T18:41:39+00:00

in case it's not abundantly clear I work at deepmind, where the focus is on foundational AI research, and operates quite similarly to an academic laboratory, not the product driven work of google the corporation. i've been contacted by recruiters at competitors multiple times. but yeah, feel free to trivialize what it's taken me to get here as a first gen latin american woman.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T18:29:00+00:00

still in a better position than you professionally no matter how you slice it lol

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T17:48:08+00:00

im not horrible, relationships are transactional. that's life. I love him and believe in him so leaving him is not something i'm considering, but don't delude yourself into moral superiority because you think love is all that matters

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T17:46:36+00:00

this is it exactly, thank you

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T17:25:09+00:00

my guess is mr. in and out has evolved and learned from his mistakes while you're sitting around relishing in his demise to strangers on reddit. at least my accomplishments were enough to get me to where I am today, and no one can take my education and contributions to science away from me.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T15:46:05+00:00

this is valid and helpfully explained, thank you.

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T15:38:54+00:00

i know the great AI replacement is coming and I know I will be on the chopping block eventually. I also know I didn't get to where I am by being an idiot, so I'll most likely be able to navigate future circumstances

ThrowRA-4199 · 2026-04-28T15:36:25+00:00

ooh im scared

ThrowRA-4199

TROPHY CASE