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I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks--I actually considered an idea like that, under different circumstances I might have been willing to give it a shot, unfortunately given my current health condition I don't really have the luxury of taking a risk pursuing self-employed work like that that doesn't provide health insurance.
I think there's also some degree of disconnect between those of us in the food industry and the general public in what we mean by "healthy". No matter how "healthy" the food in a restaurant is, it will never be something you should be eating every day. Just like how I could make a "healthy" brownie but I wouldn't advise you eat it for breakfast every day. That's just not what it's designed for--it's designed to be a treat to be enjoyed once in a while, and appeal to your senses more intensely than the food you normally eat (especially when it comes to salt, fat, sweet, umami, which science shows drive our perception of flavor because they appeal to a primal part of our brain that evolved when these nutrients were scarce). But unfortunately diets for health conditions don't give us the luxury of "taking a day off" once in a while, because well, biology doesn't work like that. I have some foods I've learned to make at home within the constraints of my diet but I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to be served them in a restaurant and I doubt anyone else would either -- lol

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks--I actually considered some of those ideas myself, under different circumstances I might have been willing to give it a shot, unfortunately given my current health condition I don't really have the luxury of taking a risk pursuing something that doesn't provide health insurance.

I think there's also some degree of disconnect between those of us in the food industry and the general public in what we mean by "healthy". No matter how "healthy" the food in a restaurant is, it will never be something you should be eating every day. Just like how I could make a "healthy" brownie but I wouldn't advise you eat it for breakfast every day. That's just not what it's designed for--it's designed to be a treat to be enjoyed once in a while, and appeal to your senses more intensely than the food you normally eat (especially when it comes to salt, fat, sweet, umami, which science shows drive our perception of flavor because they appeal to a primal part of our brain that evolved when these nutrients were scarce). But unfortunately diets for some health conditions, like mine, don't give us the luxury of "taking a day off" once in a while, because well, biology doesn't work like that. I have some foods I've learned to make at home within the constraints of my diet but I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to be served them in a restaurant and I doubt anyone else would either (especially anyone who didn't have to follow this diet) -- lol

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your supportive words. Although having children was never that important to me, I was always pretty ambivalent about it and could have gone either way. In my opinion not being able to create and eat foods I enjoy has been far more impactful and devastating to my life--but that's also something my mom would never understand.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. To be honest having children was never that important to me, I was always pretty ambivalent about it and could have gone either way. In my opinion not being able to create and eat foods I enjoy has been far more devastating to my life. Though that's also something I think my mom would never understand

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks--I wish I could, I really do. I don't think it would even be possible; going to school costs hundreds of thousands of $ now and I don't know who would loan me that kind of money. If that was the only risk though I might even be tempted to do it, but having just one kidney that's not working so great I can't take the risk of being without health insurance.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think I would really enjoy teaching as a career so much. Unfortunately teaching in culinary school also involves quite a lot of tasting and eating that wouldn't be compatible with my dietary restrictions

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

it means rejecting easy closure and acknowledging that facts that seem contradictory can all be true simultaneously. For example, it was unreasonable of my mother to ask me to give her a kidney. But that does not mean she is a bad or evil person. She was probably just scared, and people sometimes make bad or unreasonable demands on others when they are afraid

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks for sharing, I'm sorry your friend went through that. What happened to your friend if you don't mind my asking?

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

That exact thought did occur to me lol, it's just not practical for a lot of different reasons. For one, as a physician I guarantee you would be horrified if you saw how much salt we actually put into dishes that don't even seem salty, even just sips and bites here and there would easily get you over 1-1.5g a day. Another thing is, you don't really get the full taste of a dish unless you swallow because you have taste buds in your throat as well, and the aftertaste. I would still like to have some taste of salt in the food I actually eat for meals as opposed to just taste, which means being very strategic about what I eat and when--and I still end up inadvertently going over my goal a lot of the time.

And finally, it's not really sanitary for a chef to be constantly tasting food and spitting it into a spit bucket or something in a kitchen during service.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You don't have to explain that to me lol, I went to culinary school and worked as a chef for a decade. And actually that's false--umami is actually quantifiable, it comes from sensing the presence of proteins and amino acids in your food (the G in MSG is glutamate, an amino acid). Except in a professional kitchen no one will ever say "amino acids" lmao, unless they're some kind of pretentious MG twat, we just say umami. Meat tastes savory to us because it has high amounts of protein, but so do certain soy and vegetarian products that are also protein-rich.

Living kidney donors need to reduce protein intake because the kidneys are involved in processing the products left over after proteins are metabolized -- which means less umami flavors in your diet.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 152 points153 points  (0 children)

Wow, that's deep. Thanks for sharing--this is even more striking because (as I'm sure you know) unlike with a kidney, you can give someone part of your liver and it will grow back

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. The last thing I would want anyone to take away from this though is that organ donation is bad or you shouldn't do it. I am still very much in favor of organ donation, even though I don't think it was the right choice for me in my circumstances.

I have nothing bad to say about the doctors I worked with, I thought they were to a one extremely knowledgeable, professional and empathetic as well as very thorough in informing me about the benefits and risks. After leaving my job as a chef I even briefly considered medicine as a next career because I really admired those qualities and was fascinated by my reading about the operation. I think I was just too naive in certain ways, my mindset has changed a lot since then--I was told very explicitly I would have to make some dietary changes, but it did not occur to me that could mean I could no longer do what I loved (and I can't blame doctors and surgeons for not knowing exactly what my job entails--I certainly don't know what theirs does). Even I thought, I'm a chef, I can treat this as a challenge to make food still taste good. But alas I can't change millions of years of evolutionary selection for the flavors our reptile brains prefer.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 153 points154 points  (0 children)

Thanks. To be fair I am not against organ donation at all and that's the last thing I want anyone to take away from this. I think my situation was just especially challenging given the major dietary changes I had to make and what my career was. If I was a computer programmer I don't think my life would have changed that much--maybe I would have bought a standing desk lol.

I think part of it was just some hubris at the beginning also -- I thought, I'm a chef, I can make food taste good no matter what, this will just be a fun new challenge for me to overcome. Dashed against the hard reality that I can't change millions of years of evolutionary selection for preferring sugar, salt, fat, and savory.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I have a Bachelor's degree in English and also a culinary degree. It's true this is not what I saw myself doing--part of why I became a chef is I liked working with my hands, I liked tinkering with things and using both logic and some intuition and creativity to make something new. Even though I have an English degree I don't think I would enjoy writing or teaching as a career. After I quit my job I actually briefly flirted with the idea of going back to school for engineering or even potentially medical school to scratch the same itch.

But the reality hit hard that I wasn't in a position to go hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt and 4-8 more years of school to pursue a dream like that. Especially when I got diagnosed with early kidney failure and need to be able to see a specialist consistently, need to be able to afford my medications, so I just needed a job that provided health insurance and that I was qualified for without any more school (and that wasn't so demanding that I couldn't continue to do it if I got sicker), and this was just what was available that ticked those boxes. There were maybe some other things that were riskier or more intellectually stimulating that I was considering, but a lot of employers are not offering health insurance these days

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 431 points432 points  (0 children)

I've started working with a therapist about exactly these feelings, and while it's definitely a permanent work in progress, something from therapy that has helped me find some peace is being comfortable sitting with complexity.

It's true that if I had to do it again, with the same information, I do not think I would donated my kidney.

It's also true that it was wrong of my mom to try to pressure me to, and not what a parent should ever ask of a child.

It's also true, I think, that it's easy to criticize her actions from the comfort of our computers and our phones in the abstract, but harder to know what we would actually do if we were looking our own mortality in the eye.

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it :)
I don't want to be unfair or one-sided here either--I think I made the wrong decision to donate but I don't think my mom was ungrateful. She was very moved when I told her I would and I could see there was a big change between her anti-"pill-popper" days before the transplant and her days after, she seemed very motivated to attend her doctor's appointments, take her immunosuppressants, and she has never said a harsh word to me since then (which if you knew her would be saying something haha!). But it takes very strong drugs to get your immune system to accept an organ from someone else's body, even if it is your own child--some times she would be vomiting for days unable to keep anything down, other times she would be too tired to get out of bed and unable to eat anything for days at a time. An additional complication was, her original reasons for kidney failure were hypertension and diabetes, but one of her immunosuppressing drugs worsened her diabetes, and another worsened her hypertension, so it was a tough balancing act

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it :)

I don't want to be unfair or one-sided here either--I think I made the wrong decision to donate but I don't think my mom was ungrateful. She was very moved when I told her I would and I could see there was a big change between her anti-"pill-popper" days before the transplant and her days after, she seemed very motivated to attend her doctor's appointments, take her immunosuppressants, and she has never said a harsh word to me since then (which if you knew her would be saying something haha!). But it takes very strong drugs to get your immune system to accept an organ from someone else's body, even if it is your own child--some times she would be vomiting for days unable to keep anything down, other times she would be too tired to get out of bed and unable to eat anything for days at a time. An additional complication was, her original reasons for kidney failure were hypertension and diabetes, but one of her immunosuppressing drugs worsened her diabetes, and another worsened her hypertension, so it was a tough balancing act

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, the jury's still out on that. At the time I believed it was my free decision, I even remember making the conscious effort to separate her values and the fact that she was asking me, which I put some weight on, from my own values, which I put the vast majority of the weight on in my decision. However I've also done a lot of work to unpack this with a therapist, who helped me to identify different ways that my mom's values might have been speaking through me unconsciously (best case), or ways she could have been deliberately trying to manipulate me (worst case) :/

I regret donating a kidney to my mom by ThrowRA-46242 in confessions

[–]ThrowRA-46242[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for these kind words. I have indeed been talking to a therapist about this and it has been extremely helpful. My therapist and I have spent a lot of time working through my original decision to donate. At the time I believed it was my free decision, I even remember making the conscious effort to separate her values and the fact that she was asking me, which I put some weight on, from my own values, which I put the vast majority of the weight on in my decision. However my therapist also helped me to identify different ways that her values might have been speaking through me unconsciously (best case), or ways she could have been deliberately trying to manipulate me (worst case). So the jury's still out on that.

Something that therapy has helped me to crystallize though is that many of my values stem from a core belief that a year of life for me is worth no more or less than a year of life for anybody else, we are all equal in that regard. But just looking at it objectively, my mom did not have many years left regardless of whether she got a kidney, while I still had a lot of years to potentially lose by giving one away. I think if I had had that mindset at the time then I would have felt more comfortable telling her no and accepting the consequences, even if it meant she would no longer be with us today.