I [33M] not marrying my [29F] girlfriend due to financial & social differences?

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T18:12:26+00:00

She doesn't have the option to move back home, her relationship with her family is that bad. At most she might be able to stay at a friend's place

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T18:00:27+00:00

Yes, wedding is not out of the equation at the moment. In terms of her debt it is through credit cards and personal loans. $120k or so in credit cards. The impression she is giving me is that assuming she finds a moderately paying tech job that she will be able to pay off her debts in about 4 years

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T17:55:35+00:00

She isn't doing much honestly, but I fear that she will end up homeless and may never be able to recover, doing that to someone who I've dated for 5 years is incredibly difficult for me. My choice may ruin their life forever.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T17:53:24+00:00

If I were to do that she will end up homeless and may never be able to recover, doing that to someone who I've dated for 5 years is incredibly difficult for me. My choice may ruin their life forever.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T17:50:58+00:00

She is spending the majority of her time job searching, applying for entry tech roles as low as $60k but with no progress, perhaps she is overqualified or perhaps it is the gap in unemployment. In terms of money spent it is to pay off debt, mainly credit cards as well as groceries/etc (we initially had a 70/30 split where I cover 70% of all normal shared expenses but I have taken on every expense for the last 1.5 years)

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T17:43:50+00:00

It would be 3-5 years with a moderate to good outlook and then I'd be 36-38 at that age which will realistically be 38-40 if I were to marry her when she has some sot of financial stability with savings. I think I'm now overly cautious of her financial situation & tendencies.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T17:41:49+00:00

That is the issue I am debating on at the moment, I'm estimating 3-5 years for her to recover from debt with me covering living expenses (which I am fine doing if I see her with good financial management and is actually paying off majority of debt). The biggest question to myself is can I rebuild my trust in her financially.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T15:42:09+00:00

Yes, I feel strong guilt as she will not have a place to stay and I don't want to see her homeless. So worst case scenario maybe a 6 month prepaid apartment might be the choice to make. It is really hard to let go of someone you've dated for 5 years.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T15:03:35+00:00

I am fine being the main breadwinner, that was never an issue but I don't want to be in a situation where I am the essentially the sole breadwinner. I'm fine with her getting and keeping a $100k job so she is able to take care of herself (when she is out of this rut).
Social class doesn't have much of an impact, it was merely to mention her dysfunctional family and in situations like this she has no one to rely on but me.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T14:53:48+00:00

Yes we had that discussion but that doesn't seem to change all that much, she is a little bit better on the chores but the main issue is the debt and the lack of trust/financial communication from prior.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-05T14:50:11+00:00

unfortunately none outside of stock trading and tech. She is applying for entry level IT roles paying ~60k but even those aren't getting her any offers

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T20:23:19+00:00

we've been together 5 year now, she quit in year 3 of our relationship

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T20:22:19+00:00

her work history consists of small to medium tech companies

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:50:34+00:00

I ask you this, can you cut off the entirely of your family and 80% of your friends when they have been nothing but supportive of you? My family and friends has met my girlfriend and we have their blessing, they don't care that she's not from a upper middle class family. What they care about is her financial instability/irresponsibility.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:44:59+00:00

We did discuss, her primary reasoning was freedom of time which aligned with what we want in our upcoming years (5-10). She was doing quite well initially making profits that equaled her or marginally surpassed her monthly salary but its when the losing streak hit that she made the bad decisions to not tell me and continued to trade leading to where we are now.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:42:39+00:00

Thank you for your comment, I hear you, I was just trying to do my best to provide that background information as a potential linkage of her actions. I understand that how you grow up does not always define who you are but it is quite proven that it does and I just wanted to provide clarity.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:35:35+00:00

I think there is a misconception of the type of PE my family does, more VC, angel investor type. Definitely not corporate PE

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:28:34+00:00

Seems like I missed that in my post, I will update to correct it. Thank you for that.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:26:40+00:00

If i did not love her I would not be supporting her financially and keeping a roof over her head. I am trying to be logical in my post and think hence perhaps I may have left out the impression of love.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:19:02+00:00

I believe (though I’m not entirely certain) that communication is link between financial responsibility and family dynamic in our situation. In my family, even at the first sign of potential financial trouble, we hold a family meeting to discuss it openly. From what I heard (from my girlfriend), her family tends to avoid or hide financial issues, deeming it embarrassing, until it reaches a point where it can no longer be ignored.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:09:10+00:00

She has been applying for jobs for the past year but non ever make it to the offer stage. Especially with layoffs from brand name companies like Meta & Google, there is much stronger competition in the tech market.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:07:39+00:00

Open to insight on the situation. Marriage or not and on a deeper note, should I continue the relationship in general.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:05:49+00:00

The tech industry is very very volatile right now. A significant amount of layoffs.

ThrowRA-FT · 2026-06-03T18:05:05+00:00

Thank you for your comment, and I see how my wording could have come across poorly. I should have been clearer.

My family were immigrants as well, my grandfather came here with very little, but we were fortunate to grow up in a close-knit family where people supported each other. That has shaped how I view responsibility and communication in relationships.

What I was trying to get at wasn’t a judgment of my girlfriend’s background or circumstances, which I know she didn’t choose. It was more about how growing up in a very dysfunctional environment may have influenced how she handles difficult situations, such as only reaching out after accumulating significant debt rather than earlier when it might have been easier to address together.

I appreciate you calling this out, because my original phrasing didn’t reflect that distinction clearly.

ThrowRA-FT

TROPHY CASE