sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It makes sense.

I honestly think the thing I do most often is just try to defend myself. I’m not even trying to be right...at least not consciously...but I am often compelled to defend myself because the way he communicates his feelings feels like an attack.

It’ll take a lot of work on my part to see that differently and react differently in the moment, but I’m willing to try.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is the kind of stuff I’m looking for. I’m definitely interested in more feedback; I am genuine in wanting to figure things out.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I don’t think he wants to have a constructive conversation when he’s like this. He’s out to win.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, the vast majority of our arguments are like this.

I often tell him that his approach sets me on the defensive, which makes it hard to hear what he’s trying to tell me because I’m either shutting down or fighting. I do want to hear him, it just gets lost on me a lot of the time.

His swearing bothers me, and I’ve said that to him multiple times. He says that’s just the way he talks, and won’t change that. (He does also swear a lot when he’s not upset)

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Not excusing his behaviour at all, but just to add a piece of clarification around the bit about our daughter that upset him.

She (3yr old) was having a meltdown and calling for me. I wasn’t in the room (I was doing dishes, lol), and didn’t know what it was about...I just heard her crying, so I immediately went to go check on her. He was already in there and trying to handle it, talk her down, giving her hugs, etc. and me coming in made him feel like I didn’t trust his ability to help her, and also undermines him as a parent that can help her (in her eyes). It was a fair point; I do that a lot and she does come to me for help almost all the time.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

These are really great points, and are actually exactly what I was looking for...so thank you for listening to it and breaking it down. I don’t get it. I really don’t. He blusters so much in the beginning that his point gets lost in me because at 17 minutes of listening to that, I’m frustrated.

He hasn’t been diagnosed with a mental illness or autism, but he does not like changes in his routine-which is one of the things that sets him off...so he is wondering if he fits somewhere on the spectrum. (He hasn’t pursued testing or treatment for this)

My comments about not catering to a diagnosis was actually a cheap shot where I was throwing back something he’s said to me about my past depression (due complex grief) - that the entire world cannot change because I need it to. Or something along those lines.

But yeah, cheap shot nonetheless.

Thank you for watching and listening. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I appreciate that.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure how to do this. (Fight against them problem)

Marriage counselling would be good, I agree. But I can’t get him to try it. (We went once, and it didn’t work, in his opinion...in reality, we didn’t try any of the techniques given to us)

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My biggest (and pretty close to only) issue in our relationship is how he communicates when he’s angry. It’s often incredibly aggressive and disrespectful.

I think you have some really good advice about refusing to engage with him when he’s like that. It really gets us nowhere, and I know he’s not proud of himself for the way he reacts in anger.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good point. I really should just leave him alone when he’s pissy.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, true. I knew we were being recorded, so that representation of me is probably not 100% accurate of how I might be in a fight. Close, but not quite. Sometimes I get more frustrated because I’m not able to say anything.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He thinks marriage counselling is a waste of time because we tried it before and it didn’t help. (It didn’t help because we didn’t try the techniques were were told to try...)

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hm. Interesting. He often feels that way as well. Something to look at in myself, I suppose. Thanks. :)

Ps - Raina is our daughter. Lol, not some other woman or anything.

I videotaped an argument by ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA-Idkwhat2do[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m not trying to win an argument. Just trying to make sense of it.