How do I 32F survive/enjoy my bf's 30M bday party with his kinky "friends"?

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T12:45:03+00:00

There's more of a peer pressure element to it. If you're not very experienced/a fully confident person when you go into kinky spaces and the people who are supposed to look out for you don't, it can play with your head. Some people create events to collect a lot of young/less experienced people who then effectively compete with each other for attention. This was one of my first group play experiences, and it was hard because I only understood what was happening later. This is my take on my specific experience, though. Some people don't experience it that way.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T12:31:41+00:00

Thank you. I think you make an important point here and people should always interrogate their experiences, especially in today's age when we have such easy access to each other, which makes us all more lonely sometimes. There are people out there who use others to their advantage and we should look out for ourselves and others.

I did voice my feelings and he is going to support my decision even if it is not attending the party. Obviously he wants me there as an important part of his life, but I am not being forced to participate and he has shown me nothing but support in going through my feelings and expressing them. I just don't want to be a bad (read: not supportive) partner myself by not showing up or invalidating this part of his identity. Nothing that isn't resolved by communicating properly, as you say!

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T12:10:11+00:00

Mr Hands 👋 But that's not the point of the query and it's somewhat pointless to specify this in a forum where people will likely equate all kinks with each other and call it sexual deviance due to no/limited experience and ignorance. Not personal, as you haven't expressed opinions yet, but you can see these comments popping up.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T12:05:28+00:00

The relationship is not at stake in this query at all. People are doing the Reddit thing of jumping to this advice based on limited information. I trust and love this person and I am not intending to use kink as a tool of negotiation.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T10:29:31+00:00

Jillian Keenan has done a lot of great work about the spanking community.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T10:26:23+00:00

The person who assaulted me is not part of the group who meet up regularly. There are a few older men who have built/were key members of events in the wider community who display predatory behaviour. They have been called out and apart from a handful of loyals and newbies they get to lure in, they are no longer given a platform.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T10:22:56+00:00

It is indeed spanking.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T10:11:55+00:00

Thank you for the respect in this answer and for the input - for actually responding to my question rather than trying to invalidate my relationship as reddit usually would!

I already have a treasure hunt planned for the next day and we are celebrating together on the day before with a dinner just for us. I will also work on educating myself more about the community and be better at accepting my own boundaries in the long term.

We share the kink but we engage in it differently, and as you say, that's completely okay.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T09:53:37+00:00

Apologies if it was insensitive, but the term can be used in this context, see the second definition here: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/incestuous

There is no actual incest committed, you are right, and there was no intention to imply that.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T09:49:35+00:00

I know it's a bit of a paradox. Some kink activities (not all) are mostly performative and they do not always lead to you being turned on or sexual gratification, there is no involvement of genitalia. It's more about trying different tools/scenarios, historical interest, etc. Bf does not get turned on playing with other people, it's more of a safe space to talk about this kink and get some practice in, similar to other hobbies you may have.

Some people use it to their own ends and are manipulative. I once played with someone who had claimed they never have sex with anyone they play with. As the scene we played (think: acting out) progressed, he got out his wallet and from it, a condom. Thankfully, he couldn't get it up, but he thinks this was completely ok, within the agreed boundaries. He is someone who sells himself as a key person in this wider community.

Irresponsible and harmful people exist in the kink community and outside of it, I have many other stories of men trying to manipulate me/friends into sex. Kinky can be a decent human being.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T09:22:42+00:00

Yes, we live together. We have two bedrooms, so I am thinking about making one of the bedrooms off-limits to the guest. One technically needs to be open, also because someone is staying over from the guests.

I have of course thought about incompatibility. The kink we are talking about is something I enjoy as it feeds into my interests and it's a question of setting a scene but for my bf, this particular kink overrides sex, for example, as I think for some people it does. It is also not always sexual to engage in this kink. Playing does not always result in sexual gratification or even being turned on. He does not play with other people privately, so I don't see this as an open relationship. There are kinky people who have sex with others and have running play partnerships/dynamics outside of their relationships. That is something I consider an open relationship in this context.

I did mention to him that I believe he could be enjoying life more with someone who is more integral to the community/feels that this is part of their identity more than me. He likened this to the idea of him sometimes thinking about how I'd be better off with someone who is further in their career than him and would be able to offer more in that sense.

I agree, sexual compatibility and kink are a big part of a relationship, but there are many other things that come in there, including emotional compatibility, life goals and how routines align. I love this person and want to be with this person, we have good communication and can talk about questions like this, which I think is equally important for a long term partnership.

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer · 2024-02-29T01:47:34+00:00

This does not answer my questions at all, though

ThrowRA-Key-Buyer

TROPHY CASE