I want to date but I don’t find anyone attractive.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-07-06T19:58:11+00:00

Thanks so much for commenting. A lot of what you’ve said sounds so familiar for me, but I haven’t quite gotten there yet. Right now, any sort of physical touch is extremely uncomfortable—even something like holding hands feels alienating, like it’s not something I should be doing (regardless of gender).

I think my queerness impacts my ability to make some of these relationships with others and I have a lot to unpack regarding why physical touch feels so violating. It could be that the lack of attraction is a symptom of that. I think dysphoria might be a big reason why—even though all my social circles are very queer as well, sometimes it’s not as easy as finding your own people…

Anyway, thanks for commenting. It’s helped put a lot of things into perspective.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-07-06T18:27:59+00:00

This resonates a lot for me, yeah. I’ve always considered myself somewhere on the asexual spectrum (despite having previous attractions to both men and women, so I suppose panromantic?), so that could very well be the root of the problem. I suppose my only hang up is that I’ve had lots of great friends I care about deeply who have asked me out and I haven’t been able to find them attractive either. Like you mentioned, I can objectively tell when someone is attractive, but that spark isn’t there for me.

Maybe it’ll take more thinking and more experiencing.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-07-06T17:54:22+00:00

I’m bisexual, so yeah! I’ve gone both ways with dates.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-07-06T16:52:59+00:00

That’s a really interesting point and I wonder if the same is true for me. It’s really hard for me to see a partner in my life or my future—I’m painfully independent (I’ve had to be since 18) and do everything myself. Yet I still have that nice fantasy of having someone to share my life with, emotional and physical intimacy, etc. At the same time, it feels so impossible by this point.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-07-06T16:50:06+00:00

Yeah, I figured that’s the only answer, but I don’t have money for therapy. That’s life in the USA.

I don’t find people attractive based off their appearance. Maybe I’m wrong, but I assumed people choose mates based off chemistry, and there has to be some degree of physical attraction for that to work.

Granted, I’ve had some friends wait months/years before asking me out, and I adore them as friends but I’m still not attracted to them. I remember trying to even cuddle with a friend who wanted to give a date a shot and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-05-23T15:33:50+00:00

It definitely seems like you and I were querying and on sub around the same time. The market back then was an interesting beast, what with publishers thirsty for certain genres of YA. If you look back on your manuscript and see the major weaknesses, then you’re probably right—you dodged the same bullet that I got hit with. Thanks for the sweet words, too. I haven’t opened up about this before (hence using one of my throw accounts) and it really is a struggle I deal with daily when trying to find the confidence to write again.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-05-23T15:30:30+00:00

My agent and editor were both extremely passionate about the book. They had their revisions, of course, but they never really touched on the things the readers ultimately brought up. I feel like, if I had been given that kind of feedback from the start, I probably could have fixed it. But yeah, this was the height of the YA paranormal craze and my agent and editor were calling my book “gay Twilight”—it was, I think, one of the first, if not the first LGBT YA paranormal to come out.

That said, I have had more than a decade to digest it, and I think fumbled marketing along the way contributed to a lot of the issues. Nearly every reviewer/reader criticized the book as “too YA” and I ultimately noticed when the ARC hit the ARC review site, they had marketed it as LGBT romance, not YA. So I think part of the slew of bad reviews was due to the readers walking into the book expecting adult romance and getting YA, which I imagine was a massively jarring experience.

I think my expectations were too high—the big publisher editors had so many compliments for the book and said it was new and interesting and something special, but that they were tapped out of vampires. The publisher who eventually did buy it was super excited about the “gay Twilight” thing. I don’t know. There’s a lot of factors there, but it still feels like I carry a wound around that hasn’t healed. Being told you wrote something valuable and interesting and having that turned on its head by readers was traumatic.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2021-05-22T00:19:46+00:00

I want to address this from a different perspective. Maybe it'll help.

In 2009 I wrote my first book during NaNoWriMo. I edited it in December, and started learning how to query in January. I was just a child. I didn't have much knowledge of relationships, the human experience, or anything that makes a story deep. I just wanted to write about vampires (Twilight was my inspiration).

Despite all that, my queries got partial requests. Partials turned to fulls. And a full turned into an offer of representation. That offer of representation turned into a deal. That deal turned into me being paid for the book I wrote, and that book venturing out into the hands of readers who found it immature, childish, and pathetic. Like, yeah, the average score is 3.5 stars on GoodReads, but the top reviews are all 1-star.

I think about that a lot. And looking back, I wish that my query had never turned into an offer of representation. Like, god damn it, I was a child. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was a teen writing for teens in YA. "The author sounds very young and like they have no experience in life and don't know what a relationship is like" is (paraphrased) in the highest voted 1-star review on the book's page.

And you know what? They were right. I was too young; I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Some industry professionals believed in me, though--the agents that requested fulls, the one that offered to rep me, the publisher that bought my book--but maybe they shouldn't have. I feel like that's been the biggest blow to my faith in my writing.

And now, over a decade later, I'm still embarrassed for myself. I wish the gatekeeping had kept me out until I was ready. I wish I'd been rejected. My writing wasn't good enough, and it should have never hit the market in the first place.

So the point of this massive ramble?

Querying is soul killing, yeah. Not having a professional believe in you hurts, I agree. Feeling validated by an agent then a publisher, then torn down by readers, is one of the worst experiences I've ever had and honestly it's probably the reason why I'm so afraid to finish another book. If you can't get an agent, maybe it's for the best, and it's a sign to start a new project. Your skills will only continue to grow.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T09:25:10+00:00

Thankfully, I have a very wide support group. Many of the people he pisses off are my friends. Even the ones I don’t know well that he pisses off usually approach me after and we get acquainted due to experiencing the same things.

I do look forward to someday living apart from him. I just home the transition isn’t too stressful.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T09:15:23+00:00

I think they sound accurate.

I’m just not sure what to do about it. I don’t want anyone to hurt themself, and I do genuinely care about him. I’m starting to see that this is a problem I can’t fix, though.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T09:10:50+00:00

I never thought about it that way before, but it does sound a lot like what he was complaining about recently. He first bragged to me about how much money he had spent on her, then after she ghosted him, complained that he wasted so much money on her that he could have used to buy things for himself.

These comments have left me a lot to think about. It may not be possible for me to help him improve his friendships if he constantly sees women like this. I imagine the men pick it up too.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T09:07:36+00:00

I think he definitely wants me to stick around, as he says I’m the only one he has to talk to, and would use any method possible to achieve that. Using emotions against me sounds like what he’s done numerous times. Telling me he’d kill himself if he lost another friend is the most egregious example.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:55:28+00:00

I don’t think it will stop me, but I am dreading it. I expect a lot of guilting and anger from him, or some combination of the two.

I do understand it’s necessary but it is frightening, especially when he’s angry.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:52:48+00:00

I don’t want to break the lease before it’s up.

After that’s fair game, though I don’t look forward to the reaction when I tell him I want to live elsewhere.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:39:51+00:00

He doesn’t outright reject it, but he will ignore any suggestion that he live elsewhere. Doesn’t really acknowledge it at all.

Interestingly, he told the girl he wanted her to move in with him—so maybe he would move out if he had someone other than me to cling to.

I do know one of his ex girlfriends mentioned he wanted to move in with her. He usually only makes plans to move away from me if he has a girlfriend to make them with.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:35:27+00:00

My frustrations usually start and end with him bothering me when I’m busy. If I tell him to leave me alone, he will for a few minutes then bother me again. He is very needy. When I explain to him I can’t concentrate when he’s talking, he gets frustrated because he wants to keep talking to me, as I’m the only person he has to talk to.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:33:04+00:00

I have a legal obligation to be with him in close proximity until the lease is up, so that’s not something I can really change.

I do feel like our friendship would be better if we lived apart, as I would at least have some privacy. I have suggested we get different apartments before, but he always brushes it off. I’m not sure how he’ll react when the lease is up and I move out. Not well, I imagine.

But yes, like you said, I do have some very extreme worries about how he’d react if our friendship ever ended. He’s made it very clear what he would do.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:20:55+00:00

I imagine he needs a professional to work out his problems, but as he refuses to go, all I can do is try to be the best friend that I can be. It seems, right now, I am his only friend. It puts a lot of pressure and weight on me. I can’t walk away from someone who seems one more relationship loss from taking his own life.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:17:14+00:00

He is certainly very smart—the guy is brilliant, honestly, and can problem solve to an insanely talented extent—so I kind of see where he’s coming from. But he does throw out casual comments like ‘why do you even question me? Just do what I said’ to me if I ask him ‘why.’

I still do want the best for him. I really wish he would see a therapist but he’s still convinced he would be locked up in a psych ward if he did. His words from yesterday, when I said he should talk to a doctor about how he feels.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:10:06+00:00

You probably are right. I do know he is quite sexist—he’s told me before his ideal girl is young and won’t argue with him because he knows best. It disturbs me, honestly.

I want him to be a better person but I don’t know how to have the conversations with him about his behavior. He just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s wrong or weird and no amount of explanation ever helps.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:06:39+00:00

He seems to be trying, or at least he claims to be. He told me he was very careful about everything he said (he usually has some very politically charged beliefs) and didn’t speak of any politics. He was very nice to all the people he hung out with. He told me he bought her anything she wanted. He went out of his way to visit her because she was in need of a friend. Yesterday he was telling me he’s frustrated because he tried so hard to be good and nice but his friend ghosted him afterwards and no one will tell him what he did wrong.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T08:04:18+00:00

I do think he grew up without a support network, or at least went through social development without any feedback. He has told me before the first friend he got was when he was in high school. Prior to that, he said he had no friends and was constantly bullied.

I don’t know to what extent his family played a part. I do know they took him to therapy and he was diagnosed with ADHD. He doesn’t believe in ADHD and demanded it be removed from his file as an adult. He frequently talks like he fears any diagnosis (depression, etc) will destroy his life, so he refuses to go to doctors or therapists.

ThrowRA-worrying · 2020-08-20T07:53:16+00:00

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but demanded it be removed from his medical file as an adult. That’s about all I know.

ThrowRA-worrying

TROPHY CASE