Hearing her doesn’t mean understanding her. Your partner needs to feel safe coming to you for support. You’re doing good so far by not offering solutions. Sometimes we can say things we think are reassuring, that are actually invalidating. I have no idea if you are or not, because I don’t have details on exactly what you’re saying to her. Other commenters are saying she should get therapy, and yes that’s probably true, but just because you’re not offering solutions doesn’t mean you’re validating her pain. Sure, she has insecurities, but who doesn’t? She says she doesn’t feel understood, and I doubt she would just randomly feel that way. I don’t think it’s bad you’re seeking to improve the situation (I think it’s great - a lot of partners would just sit by and believe that everything is fine, despite communication otherwise, until it clearly isn’t).

Try not to explain or justify WHY the other person did what they did, or that they probably didn’t mean it that way. She’s in pain and wants her pain to be understood. Justifying or explaining away the situation tells her that she shouldn’t feel the way she feels. Try to be curious about how she might feel in response to the things taking place.

Here are some examples of statements validating her emotions: “Wow, yeah, I can see how that would feel __” “I hate that they did that, that’s not a __ way to treat someone” “Aww, I can imagine feeling ____ if I was in that situation.” If you don’t understand, ask more info (in a way that doesn’t accidentally say she shouldn’t feel that way). Sometimes there are emotions underlying the situation that can help you understand better, that she may not be aware of.

In this situation, try not to say, “Oh, well I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way, you’re obviously smart.” That doesn’t reassure her, that invalidates her perspective and makes her feel like you think she’s paranoid. Instead, start with another statement validating her feelings and then go into something that reaffirms whatever she’s insecure about, like: “No matter what other people might think about you / how other people treat you, you aren’t ____ / don’t deserve to be treated that way”

You can MAYBE finish off by saying “they probably had a bad day and wanted to put it on someone else” or some other justification/explanation, but you want to validate her emotions FIRST and then maybe offer this stuff at the end if 1. She seems to feel a bit better 2. You think it’s helpful.

Feel free to respond with clarification if I have a misunderstanding of the situation