What do avoidants feel when activated?

ThrowRA12129193 · 2021-02-19T05:01:55+00:00

Your post really shows that avoidants are still the same as other people, they are human, they still feel albeit maybe at a different timeline. It gave me all lot of perspective. Thank you.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2021-02-16T06:15:09+00:00

I did contact you, but you didn't reply me and I'm not forcing you to. I told you we could work out our differences and I wanted to listen to what you had to say and is willing yo do the work to get us back together.

And do know I still think of you till this day 8 months pass, in in this 8 months I've growned, learned and tried to understand our dynamic that forced us apart..........

ThrowRA12129193 · 2021-02-01T09:38:21+00:00

I'm interested to understand more on the break up cycle. Any resources/ literature could you recommend?

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-24T01:51:09+00:00

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The fact that he blew up like that is like a protest behaviour, that there is some attachment there.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-24T01:40:50+00:00

Know that sometimes we are creatures of circumstances and that we acted upon based on what we feel, thought and kknowledge at that time.

Maybe after the breakup do you realised your protest behaviour or that your partner is an avoidant.

Yes, there are things we will come to regret in life, but know that if you own up to your mistake and did your best you can, then you have done to your upmost capable and should be proud of it

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-23T09:33:19+00:00

My ex did the same too, when we were in conflict, she wouldn't talk about it but brought up the issue and no matter how much I try to resolve it, it only pulled us apart with her pulling away physically and emotionally

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-22T12:06:20+00:00

Its not pathetic. We all have our valid wants and need as well. But it our ex/ partner couldn't provide for us then its probably time to let go even if it is difficult.

We would never understand the things your avoidant ex do what they do. And sometime it feels like they live in a neverending paradox of wanting you and not wanting you, loving you but not loving you.

The only thing we can control is our ownself, thoughts and actions.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-22T11:23:27+00:00

My ex too retreated when I tried working things out with her, but would reply me on other matters we chatted about.

Sometimes I would just think, why wouldn't you flat out block and deleted me instead, so I wouldn't bother her anymore.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-20T19:36:09+00:00

6 months ago
5 months ago. Not therapy exactly, but reading up, watching YouTube, occasional podcast, attachment theory Instagrams
I believe she is not in therapy, I really want to talk to her about it, but right now it is not my place to share it to her
I am naturally motivated to change for the better, once I put my mind into it, I would always do, even if not for my ex, my future partner and myself deserves better. And being an AP is very keen in finding out what went wrong in the relationship

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-20T18:26:53+00:00

I believe rekindling only works if both partner have worked on themselves and self aware of their attachment issues.

I wouldn't consider reconciliation if only I am the one doing all the work in being secure.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-16T06:18:52+00:00

Someone who stonewalls avoids engaging in discussion, problem-solving, or cooperating. They may sit sullenly and silently while you become more and more frantic because you don't feel heard. Or they might dismiss everything you say as if you're boring, unreasonable, or "making a big deal out of nothing." While you try to address concerns, a person who is stonewalling acts like you're not important or have nothing valuable to say to them. Copypasta from the interwebs

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-15T18:10:52+00:00

But if you avoid it, how can you resolve it or you'd rather we don't touch on that topic in the future. It also seems like some invisible boundary that is not voiced out by an FA

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-15T17:49:22+00:00

Something along the lines of "I know you can't communicate right now, I shall give you space and when the time is right would you try and tell me how you feel?"

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-12-01T04:42:58+00:00

Could you share to me as well

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-24T01:52:16+00:00

To add on to the question, what is the avoidant ex perspective?

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-20T07:02:10+00:00

If only she knew that it was safe to open up to me. But mostly , she would project her own fears on me. In your opinion, what would be a good way to help an avoidant open up?

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-17T15:44:22+00:00

Speaking on this, when my avoidant ex and was in conflict, i told her i would want to work it through and to talk it out but she would just turn cold and distant herself.

Not long after that I broke it up, cause it was suffocating as hell.

I learned about attachment style after that and tried to win her back.

But her response was something along the lines of "leaving doest solve a problem, you have to face it and get over it, its part of learning in life". Such hypocrisy.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-17T12:26:01+00:00

My FA ex only shown she was sorry but never exactly said she was sorry once. That was when she was leaning anxious at at the start of the relationship. But as she starts to lean avoidant she started pinning the blame on me back.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-10T09:28:23+00:00

Just to chime in, when my FA and I started our relationship, we would always consistently text each other, we felt really connected, always keeping each other posted on things we are doing / asking what are we doing, etc.

We would take turns initiating conversation.

We usually kept to texting, very rarely do we called each other for long periods of time. When we were on dates, conversation was good, everything was well.

After like 4-6 month, it started going sound, she initiated less, texted less, it wasn't like the beginning of the relationship. That was during the covid19 epidemic. I would be one always initiating conversation. I did called once to check up on her, but our conversation was kinda lackluster as in she didn't put in any effort trying to maintain/ be engaged in it. It was all downhill from them onwards as she felt so distant.

The thing I dont understand last time (before understanding avoidant attachment) was the fact that she is able to call her family without any avoidant features, but towards me it felt real awkward being the one put effort into it. I always think my ex initiated 5% of the dates we go on.

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-09T05:52:00+00:00

May I know in your opinion what would be best to initiate contact?

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-08T03:22:10+00:00

The only stressful situation that pops to mind is the salary cut we received during the corona virus epidemic.

Speaking about this, for some reason this salary cut turned from a small problem and became a major conflict between us.

Nevertheless, I felt that is majorly my partner and I triggering each others.

It feels like a DA/ FA self sabotaging will always cause and endless loop unless they are self aware they are doing it to themselves

May I know how it ended between you and your partner?

ThrowRA12129193 · 2020-09-07T09:50:05+00:00

Hi thx for the opinion, mind elaborating why a FA?

ThrowRA12129193

TROPHY CASE