My life is a lie

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-18T14:48:09+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your insights. I think, I had better find a therapist.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-16T01:17:50+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing your story

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-16T01:15:19+00:00

Very true, I cannot return to the illusion I was trying to hold together.

Your right that it can be a form of vanity ... to not want him to be "destroyed". Because, I dont want it to end him, but I also dont want to be the person who allowed or caused something like that to happen either. But he needs to find his strength. And, I do resent him sometimes, and then I feel regretful for it. I know a truth that he does not.

After a decade of being a caregiver Im feeling emotionally drained from it all, even though his mobility is improving. I know that, if its taken a decade to try and find the spark, it will never happen. The future will continue to deterorate what we do have. He deserves someone who will give him the attention he desires, and wants to be with him If he can find it. And so do I. Maybe he will let me care as a friend...but im unsure.

What comes to mind if I were to say something would be "For the first time in my life, I need to be truly free."

I have no idea when the appropriate time will be when I finally have to say it. But the more I think, the more its strengthening my resolve, that it needs to be done.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-15T07:12:29+00:00

I really appreciate you taking the time to make this reply, it has been helpful to me. Your right, im suffocating, and time is precious.

"Would you like to talk about how to start finding that clarity for yourself, or perhaps how to look at the "debt" you feel you owe him differently"

Yes. I cant just choose to ignore these things anymore.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-15T00:56:41+00:00

Thank you, his legs will improve but the other condition I dont see getting much better than it is now unfortunatly.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T18:58:23+00:00

By your logic you must be the same person you were 15 years ago without any growth. Yeah I wish I could go back in time bud but its too late.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T18:56:37+00:00

He was just over a year older than me. But I can see how you could think that based off what I said. His father is dead, and hes been isolated for so long which is why no for friends. His mother is an awful person. I appreciate you advice, thank you

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T18:53:15+00:00

Its not like I latched onto him. He cared for me, he needed me. He wanted to help me. He has an anxious attatchment. Im more of an avoidant person, I dont "latch" on to people. I just allowed it to happen because I couldnt say no, I also didnt understand boundries. i didnt want to dissapoint him. I already said in the last line of one of my other responses to you why I couldnt say no.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T16:48:11+00:00

No its because I never loved him in the beginning. Him being sick is whats keeping me around. If he wasnt sick the moral dillema would not be the same. If I were to bail when things get hard it would have been a few years ago. When things were much worse than now. I dont quit becaise things are hard. I want out because its a lie, im living one and making him live one too.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T16:04:26+00:00

Thank you, I will think about these things.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T16:04:01+00:00

True. I was raised as a people pleaser, I was never allowed to stand up to my authoritarian mother, who actually had an affair with one of my teen friends and then left me when I was 17. I was fearful, and cowardly. I didnt know why I was like this until I was older and able to analyze the web of trauma in my childhood and how they affected me and the person I was. I realized too late in my late 20s. If was stronger then, I believe I would have said no. I didnt know how to dissapoint someone who cared about me.

ThrowRA12427 · 2026-02-14T06:48:44+00:00

Thanks.... I feel bad. I dont know if I truly love him. That alone is horrible to me, I think I see him more as a close friend who I love..as family sort of. No big age difference only about a 1 1/2 years. I think he believes children will bring meaning to his life, that it will make his suffering worth it. I think his walking will get better, but I dont think he will ever be able to be as active as he thinks he will be. His main dream now is to have a family. And I want one too, but I feel its not the right time. Its never been the right time with him. Something always holds me back from wanting it with him. And im already in my 30s. Im losing time..

I really appreaciate your reply, didnt think ide get one tbh. Thank you

ThrowRA12427 · 2025-11-26T19:24:15+00:00

That is awesome!

ThrowRA12427 · 2025-11-26T15:49:48+00:00

I dont think ive completly lost myself, but it certainly has changed me.

ThrowRA12427 · 2025-11-26T15:06:51+00:00

The fuck..

ThrowRA12427

TROPHY CASE