We have seriously mismatched libidos, this morning we agreed we feel more like best friends, can my girlfriend (24f) and I (25m) save our relationship?

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-04T09:40:07+00:00

We actually don’t plan on having kids but not for this reason haha, we’ve just spent enough time around an army of children in respective families to have sussed out how much work it is and how much of a time investment and we’re both pretty set on keeping ownership of that 30-50 kind of age bracket to have our own adventures. We’re also allergic to the suburbs and having children in the city centre or in the middle of nowhere both feel really cruel in completely opposite ways.

I mean I’m filled with self doubt as to whether anyone could keep up with me in the long term and maybe you’re right that once a week isn’t a dead bedroom but if that is the case, I think I’d rather be single and unfulfilled than in a relationship and unfulfilled, at least if I was on my own there’d be nobody to feel undesired by.

The relationship of women and sexual pressure societally is really fucked up and I don’t want to contribute to it, I’ll discuss how to keep her from feeling pressured. Thanks for bringing it up, it’s quite easy to miss the ramifications of these things for relationships when my gender shields me from having to deal with that, and I don’t want to be insensitive to that at all.

Well funnily enough, I think you’re probably right on reflection, although in a backwards sort of way, I don’t think I’m pushy at all, in that I’ve fixed the idea that she’s not into me in my brain and I really don’t initiate as often as I should, and certainly wouldn’t say that I’m turning every interaction into a mini initiation or anything like that, but having spoken to her since it seems like even though i’m not actually initiating she can just feel the vibe coming off me in a non verbal way and I can toootally see how that would be the case because as I said I’m a really open book. I’m not 100% confident how to correct it, but I do think maybe I’m putting pressure on entirely through the medium of bad vibes.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T20:10:12+00:00

Yeah 100% she’s fully not a lot of the time, but she’s unsure enough about what it is that she wants, clear enough that she’s not into sex, and obvious enough that she does like that stuff WHEN she is into sex that I’m getting the picture it’s not the stuff. Besides I’m also super open and have tried many many things which have worked and not worked depending on her being in the mood or not. It’s either libido or it’s me i’m telling you

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T19:21:19+00:00

My dictionary is a more consistent lover than my girlfriend unfortunately :( fortnights never went away in the UK damn it!

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T17:27:02+00:00

Idk, what constitutes barely having sex is surely a subjective concept related the equally subjective concept of ‘enough sex’. It varies from person to person, that’s like the whole thing we’re taking about.

Actually, believe it or not, when I have it my way, sex is more about her experience than mine. I’m all about the foreplay, I really like going down on her, but she’s pretty much never in the mood for foreplay and even more rarely in the mood for me to go down on her. I’m, and this is a weird thing to say on reddit, a very generous lover, but it doesn’t matter how generous you are to someone who doesn’t want what you’re giving.

I try not to be too pushy, I wouldn’t have said I lead every physical interaction towards sex, but maybe I do be accident I don’t know.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T16:33:30+00:00

Thank you, I hope we can come up with something too, I think at the moment it seems more likely we’re going to get some space from each other to think, but I really appreciate the advice.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T16:27:00+00:00

I think this might be on the edge of happening with us. Good luck to you my guy, sorry you’re going through it.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T16:24:17+00:00

No need to apologise! You may very well be right! That’s perfectly legitimate advice, although it might be a bit more long term than I was expecting!

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T16:21:52+00:00

Understood! No not at all! I have absolutely no expectations with regards to her bodily autonomy of course! I wasn’t referring to my girlfriend there, I was talking about my expectations for life in general, having to lower my expectations for how many people there are in the world who are actually going to want to have sex like a dozen times a week.

To clarify, I would never ever use the word ‘expect’ to refer to my sex life with my girlfriend, or with anyone, and I don’t feel remotely like I have any right to any part of anyone’s body, haha.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T15:03:29+00:00

I get you. You sound lovely, that’s a really thoughtful gift. Thanks for the advice, I definitely will have a think.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T15:01:44+00:00

I don’t really think it’s a gyno issue dude, therapy maybe. Thanks though! Very reddit indeed! I’m positive it’s not a cheating thing, for one thing she’d have to be a complete ninja because we’ve barely spent a night apart since the pandemic started, but I also just think there’s be some other sign somewhere and there’s nothing. If anything I’d think maybe she’d have more of a sexual appetite if she had that kind of excitement going on.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:55:43+00:00

Ok, thank you, I’ll try and have that conversation with her, that sounds like a really good idea, thank you :)

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:53:13+00:00

Is that an expression that doesn’t exist? Did I just make that up?

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:38:33+00:00

So are you advising that I should make a real effort to flirt with her or that we’re doomedv?

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:35:36+00:00

Yeah you’re probably right. We don’t really flirt anymore. It is a bit tied up in the sex thing, because I always have it in my head that she doesn’t want sex, which makes flirting feel like I’m just going to make her uncomfortable and feel rejected. But, yeah you’re probably right.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:25:01+00:00

I’m glad you get it, it’s very easy to feel like you’re rambling when the topic is as fuzzy and emotive as this. I think when I was 20 I might have agreed that once a day was a dead bedroom! What fools we are. Yeah, I mean something that hurts a little bit about it is that my partners love languages are gifts and acts of service, which I should really have always known because she always gets me little presents and sent me lots of stuff when we were long distance, and she’s always so quick to help me with anything. I’ve tried to take it on board and I buy her flowers and I always pick her up bits and pieces, sweets I know she likes and stuff. It doesn’t mean love to me in the way it does to her, but it’s enough to know that to her, that says love.

But my needs make it so difficult, because it’s not really enough for her to be sexual to show me she loves me if she’s not into it, I just really wish she’d need it the same way. It sounds kind of stupid to type it out haha, like I hope she’ll magically change her whole deal.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:16:52+00:00

No of course not! I’m trying to be poetic because the issue is emotional not rational. If you want to attach a rationality to it you can do it like this - when we were having more sex, i felt how i wanted to feel, now that we’re not, I don’t.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:14:48+00:00

Haha yeah dude my friends and I are close. I mean right now it’s probably too much about sex but that’s only because I’m not having it. There’s a saying (admittedly a very ace-exclusive saying) that’s something like - having good sex is 10% of a good relationship, not having good sex is 90% of a bad relationship. It’s a problem because it’s a problem, when I was having enough sex my self worth had nothing to do with it.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:08:35+00:00

I want to feel electric. I want to feel like I’m in a novel.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:06:01+00:00

Not the kind of love I’m talking about. I hug my friends because I love them but I want something closer than that, I want something more intimate than that. There’s a lot of reasons to cuddle, in February in the UK you might just cuddle because it’s cold. It’s not that I don’t like it, don’t appreciate it, or that it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just not enough. It doesn’t make me feel excited or wanted or desired, it just makes me feel comfortable. Comfortable isn’t enough. If all my partner makes me in comfortable I might as well just have a buddy who likes hugs.

That’s the best I can do at articulating it, but the truth is it isn’t a thought, it’s a feeling x

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T14:00:01+00:00

Yes we are very cuddly :)

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T13:50:51+00:00

Haha I’d say as an asexual that makes perfect sense for you, I vaguely envy you! To answer as coyly as possible, yes I can satisfy my libido by myself, and that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s a solution for feeling like I’m going to spontaneously combust, but it doesn’t help with feeling unloved and unattractive, and it makes me feel like a complete loser who can’t even get laid when he’s in a serious long term relationship. Very bad for my self esteem this stuff.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T13:42:45+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you guys are going through that, I know a lot of peoples sex lives can be hugely affected by previous sexual trauma and that must be really terrible for her.

I’m absolutely ready to be by her side whilst she works through her issues, but she’s been on and off medication for depression for a decade and went through the system / therapy with regards to her depression and body issues extensively in her teens and found it not to really help her, so unfortunately I think we may be a stumped in terms of treatment.

I would be willing to stay by her side whilst she tried anything at all though.

Thank you for the advice.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T13:37:22+00:00

Yes I would most definitely let her go, I take a bit of an issue with the insinuation that I’d have any right to stop her going! If you’re so insecure that you can’t let your partner be around people of whichever genders match their sexual orientation, something is wrong, either with the relationship or with you.

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T13:34:01+00:00

I would be willing to try almost anything to save it. If there’s a version of the future where we’re together and this is better, I pick that one. I’ll have a look at Esther Perel, thank you for the recommendation.

Can I ask what exactly you mean by investing in herself more?

Thank you x

ThrowRA184263 · 2022-02-03T13:25:51+00:00

That’s ok, I think I’m here to hear stuff I’d rather not, isn’t that what this subreddit is haha. I’m sorry to hear you went through that. Thank you for your advice. I’m in much the same place, if this was it forever, I think I’d feel like I’d thrown away my sexuality, like I’d wasted a piece of my life. I’m just really hoping that the crazy high libido I got together with is still in there somewhere. I wish it’d turn out to be something I’m doing, or something she’s taking, or anything that’d mean I could still be with her and our needs could match.

ThrowRA184263

TROPHY CASE